Let's Ride the Monotetra!!

Dr.Moose1
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since 09-05-99
Posts 2830
Bewilderment , USA

50 posted 09-14-2009 07:54 PM

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Alison, EA, & my good friend Balladeer, and company,
Please accept my apologies as I will not be able to continue this saga until I return from riding the "monorail" in Vegas. As luck would have it a trip we scheduled six months ago starts tomorrow. Coincidence? Most likely, as was the fact that I had already started writing a poem in tetrameter
just prior to this assignment. The world is a mysterious place @ times. Be well, I hope the shenanigans will continue upon my return.
Doc

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 40140
Realms of Light

56 posted 09-21-2009 09:37 AM

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Balladeer, I adore this new poetic form! So much so, that I'm back with another offering!

Distant Train

One eve while walking Lundy�s Lane,
in late September�s falling rain,
I heard the dismal, sad refrain
~ Of distant train, of distant train.

Each whistle pull was long and slow.
As steamer neared ~ the sound would grow.
With keening wail of banshee blow
~ I yearned to go, I yearned to go.

Alone, confused, and in dismay
~ Another day of gloomy gray.
I longed to leave without delay.
~ I lost my way, I lost my way...

One eve while walking Lundy�s Lane,
in late September�s falling rain,
I heard the dismal, sad refrain
~ Of distant train, of distant train.

LLD

ken206573
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since 10-14-2008
Posts 146

61 posted 10-13-2009 11:33 AM

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Hey there Balladeer, sorry that this is late. I was having a rough time with this one, but I hope that it's well fit.

A Winter's Night

Lying in a pile of pure snow
I hear the wind whistle and blow
was it snow angels or the crow
I do not know, I do not know

Trees shivering into the night
stars flicker like a candle light
true it was a wonderful sight
what a delight, what a delight

Being bathed within crystal flake
while snow angels dance on the lake
baring their hands with no mistake
my hand they take, my hand they take

We leap and play in snow so deep
drunk with laughter for us to keep
they lay me down so I can sleep
without a peep, without a peep

I hope this will do

dragngrl28
Junior Member
since 10-12-2009
Posts 45
Texas, USA

62 posted 10-15-2009 12:59 AM

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I awoke to find him passed out
Empty bottles strewn about
Why ddo I suffer with this clout
For fear no doubt, For fear no doubt

I fear at night to be alone
So for this fear I now atone
Fearing poison I get the phone
And hear a moan, and hear a moan

He stumbles to the baathroom door
And shakily slumps to the floor
His disease shakes me to my core
Please God no more, please God no more

I say my prayers, turn off the light
Tomorrow's sun will bring a fight
When I try to do what is right
A mother's plight, a mother's plight.

This isn't exactly what I wanted but I was working from an older poem of mine and trying to capture the same feeling in this form.

gid
New Member
since 11-25-2009
Posts 5

63 posted 12-01-2009 10:13 AM

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Hi wonder if this thread is still active. I'd like to make a contribution just written today after i discovered this thread.

Moment

Side by side, we sat in the dark
And it came back to me so stark
The feelings I�d suppressed so long
Returned in throng, returned in throng.

An ache which filled my bitter heart
When time had come for us to part
And yet again, I kept refrain
Withheld my pain, withheld my pain.

I remember when I lost you
I had a dream, in which we flew
Fingers twined, we were together
Gone forever, gone forever.

Once again we�re here, this moment
Again, my anguished heart so burnt
Let�s exchange the words meant to be
Speak and be free, speak and be free.

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 22142
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

64 posted 12-01-2009 01:23 PM

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Hey, Ken! Welcome and please forgive my getting here late...some doctors had other demands on my time and some things slipped by. At any rate....welcome.

I like the thought of the poem and the mood it creates....very nice. The only problem is with the meter. There are a couple of areas where the meter breaks down and creates choppiness.

LY-ing in a PILE of pure SNOW
i HEAR the WIND WHIS-tle and BLOW
was IT snow ANG-els OR the CROW
i DO not KNOW, i DO not KNOW.

It's not that far off.   The only problems are "pile of pure snow" and "wind whistle". The rest is fine. In the other stanzas the problem areas are  "being bathed", "within crystal", , "baring their", "Laughter for us". Yes, there are lines that begin trochaic instead of iambic, but that's ok if the line remains constant with it's meter. Some variation is allowed. An extra or missing syllable may be tolerated, and an occasional reversal of the ta TUM pattern (to TA tum) is common, even desirable as a way to avoid monotony. An example of four lines of tetrameter is the first stanza of the introduction to Milton,by William Blake:

    And did those feet in ancient time
    Walk upon England's mountains green?
    And was the holy Lamb of God
    On England's pleasant pastures seen?

If I were to write your poem in tetrameter it would be something like this:

While lying in a pile of snow
I hear the wind's cold whistle blow.
Was it snow angels or the crow?
I do not know. I do not know.

Trees shivering into the night
Stars flicker like a candle light
True it was a wonderous sight
What a delight. What a delight.

Bathed within bright crystal flake
Snow angels dancing on the lake.
They bare their hands with no mistake
My hand they  take, my hand they take.

We leap and play in snow so deep
While drunk with laughter, ours to keep.
They lay me down so I can sleep
Without a peep, without a peep.

Perhaps you may find something there which helps....or you may just consider your way better. No problem...it's YOUR poem!

Thanks again for joining in....

Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 22142
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

65 posted 12-01-2009 01:39 PM

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Hello. dragngrl! This a very poignant poem with a very realistic look inside of a mother with a problematical son (or even husband). It takes courage to admit one will put up with abuse to not be alone.

There are a couple of meter problems but nothing major, except for "His disease shakes me to my core" and "When I try to do what is right". Also you are missing a syllable in the second line.

Otherwise, all is well. Thank you for contributing!

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 22142
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

66 posted 12-01-2009 02:23 PM

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Gid, our threads here NEVER close and you can add to anyone you like! Thank you for adding here. It's a good poem of departed lovers, meeting again. Been there - done that!

As with many, there are variations from the tetrameter form, the biggest ones being "Let�s exchange the words meant to be" and "I remember when I lost you". The rest are very minor.

SO stark and SO burnt doesn't work. You are using the word so only for the purpose of getting the syllable count right and it shows and diminishes the value of the lines. Also, "moment" and "burnt" does not work as a rhyme, not even a near-rhyme.

Hey, no one said it was easy! I think you did a fine job and, with a little tweaking, it could be excellent.

LivingConfused
Junior Member
since 12-27-2009
Posts 36
Alaska

68 posted 01-08-2010 03:27 AM

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Balladeer an attempt.

I sit in a room all alone
Confined for my sins untold
Lost in thoughts heavier than stones
Heartbreak I own, Heartbreak I own

Thoughts separate into two ghosts
Haunted past glides thru outposts
The present protects me with guideposts
The past draws close, The past draws close

I wonder can they should they mix
Popular society will restrict
Forbidden by modern the ethics
idea nixed, idea nixed

Which one to choose past or present
Choose past the present will resent
Choose present the past in torment
Done with my vent, done with my vent

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 22142
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

69 posted 01-08-2010 06:16 PM

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Nice to see you here, Living Confused, and I appreciate the effort. Let's see how you did...

Each line must contain eight syllable.......rule.

The syllable counts for your lines are:
8-7-8-8.....not bad
8-7-9-8.....not so good
8-10-9-8...a little worse
8-8-8-8.....bullseye!

Each line is tetrameter (four metrical feet)......rule

Metrical feet are where the accented syllables are. Tetrameter means the accented syllable are evenly spaced in a specified number of syllables. For example....

i WANT to KNOW where I should GO.  -/-/-/-/

The capitalized syllables are where the accents are when you read it and they are all seperated by an unaccented syllable. So let's see how you did there...

i SIT in a ROOM all a-LONE                             -/--/--/
con-FINED for my SINS un-TOLD                      -/--/-/
LOST in THOUGHTS HEAV-i-er than STONES   /-//---/
HEART-break i OWN, HEART-break i OWN       /--//--/

As you can see, these lines do not follow the correct pattern. The other lines in the poem do not, either. You need to work on the lines to get the accented syllables in the right place. For example...

a-LONE i SIT here IN a ROOM
con-FINED for SINS as YET un-TOLD
while LOST in THOUGHTS that WEIGH like STONES
HEARTbreak i OWN, HEARTbreak i OWN     (I'll leave this one unchanged)

That may or may not be more appealing to you than yours but, for the purposes of this lesson, it is the correct way.

Don't be disheartened. We have people here who worked months to be able to get the "feel" to put those accents in the right place. It's one of those things that sounds easy but isn't. The fact that you are here and willing to make the effort is a good thing. Work on it and let me see what you can do.

LivingConfused
Junior Member
since 12-27-2009
Posts 36
Alaska

70 posted 01-09-2010 06:25 AM

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Saw my mistakes and tried to fix them(And may have made all new mistakes).  Your explanation on the meter and feet made me see what I needed to grind on. To complicate further I am adding my work on the feet.  Unsure about single syllable accents.  The accents on polysyllable words I assume is the dictionary reference.

HOME in MY room MY cage a-LONE
my MIND con-FINED by SINS un-KNOWN
con-FUSED in THOUGHT i YEILD, be-MOAN
Heartbreak I own, Heartbreak I own

THOUGHTS a-SUN-der IN-to Two ghosts
PAST in-VADES be-YOND my OUT-posts
PRES-ent GUIDES me TRUE with SIGN-posts
The past draws close, The past draws close

I WON-der, CAN they SHOULD they MIX
the PAST and PRES-ent CHOOSE the FIX
no GOOD can COME from THE con-FLICTS
idea nixed, idea nixed

WHICH one TO choose PAST or PRES-ent
PAST over PRES-ent IS un-PLEAS-ant
choose PRES-ent, PAST is IN tor-MENT
done with my vent, done with my vent

Home in my room my cage alone
My mind confined by sins unknown
confused in thought I yeild, bemoan
Heartbreak I own, Heartbreak I own


Thoughts asunder into two ghosts
Past invades beyond my outposts
Present guides me true with signposts
The past draws close, The past draws close

I wonder, can they should they mix
the past and present choose the fix
no good can come from the conflicts
idea nixed, idea nixed

Which one to choose past or present
Past over present is unpleasant
choose present, past is in torment
done with my vent, done with my vent

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 22142
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

71 posted 01-09-2010 06:21 PM

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Much, much better!

As far as the syllable accents are concerned, yes ,a dictionary will highlight them with an accent mark in the appropriate places. The best way, however, is simply to read the lines and see if they are the way you would speak in real life. For example....

Home in my room my cage alone

You put the accents here...

HOME in MY room MY cage a-LONE

Is that the way you would pronounce it if you were saying it to someone? I doubt it. I think it would be more like...
HOME in my ROOM my CAGE a-LONE or home IN my ROOM my CAGE a-LONE
The rest of the first stanza is great.

THOUGHTS a-SUN-der IN-to Two ghosts

Almost. The accent wouldn't be on "two". It would read as THOUGHTS a-SUN-der IN-to two GHOSTS. Needs to be changed.

no GOOD can COME from THE con-FLICTS

Almost never will you have an accent on "the". You wouldn't pronounce it that way, either. You do need the accent there to make the sentence work, so change "the" to something else, like "these" or "those" or some other word that IS strong enough to be accented.
The rest of the second stanza is right on.

WHICH one TO choose PAST or PRES-ent

Nope. "To" would not carry an accent, "choose" does, which makes it "WHICH one to CHOOSE PAST or PRES-ent" but then you have two unaccented syllables together (one to) and two accented ones together (choose past). That sentence would have to be reworked.

PAST over PRES-ent IS un-PLEAS-ant

You have one too many syllables here, 9, and you don't show any accent in the word "over". You could simply change over to o'er and that would solve it, otherwise you need to rework it.

Having said all of that, it STILL is a big improvement. You are only hairs off of having everything exact and I'm confident you will make it work.

Read good, rhyming poetry, Look up iambic and trochaic poetry on your search engine. Read the examples they give. Let you mind feel the flow of the lines and the rhythm based on the positioning of the accents. That's great exercise for getting used to how it sounds and how it works.

Write on!

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