Let's Ride the Monotetra!!

Earth Angel
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25 posted 09-13-2009 02:36 AM

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My dear sweet Lasky Girl, you're absolutely right. The fairy said something rather unbecoming ~ but who could blame her? ~ Not I, not I.

Love you too!

Linder Lou

xo...

Dr.Moose1
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since 09-05-99
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26 posted 09-13-2009 10:40 AM

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Welcome back Professor! I see everyone's way ahead of me on this one with some excellent work, oh well, here goes.

Displaced, somewheres along the line
of gears unmeshed and thoughts untwined
parameters most ill defined,
an absent mind, an absent mind.

'twas here it seemed not long ago
now where'd that little rascal go?
Confounded little so and so,
I do not know, I do not know.

Perhaps engrossed in waking dreams ?
Illogical as that may seem,
albeit a recurring theme,
"Come back" I scream, "Come back" I scream

into a silence most profound.
Returned from who knows where was bound.
Subconcious wheels spin 'round and 'round
The lost is found, the lost is found!

"For now" it says with subtle smirk,
(impetuous, conniving jerk)
"vacation's one of this jobs perks".
How strange that works, how strange that works.

Balladeer
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27 posted 09-13-2009 10:44 AM

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Wonderful, Alison! You and Linda definitely live somewhere enchanted! Your poems could fit so easily in children fantasy collections and would be a hit!

There are two words that gently pushed the boundaries of meter but they were close enough and off-set by the beauty of the poem...nice work!

Earth Angel
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28 posted 09-13-2009 11:04 AM

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Doctor Moose, I tip my 'halo' to you! ~ A fine specimen of this new poetic form!

My own mind is absent far too-often!

Enjoyed your wry wit and your writing skills!

Love to you, Dear Doctor!

Linda

Earth Angel
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29 posted 09-13-2009 11:07 AM

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Balladeer ~

Yeppers! Alison and I sure do!

That is one of the many reasons why we are so sympatico!

Linda

Balladeer
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30 posted 09-13-2009 11:08 AM

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Hello, Rose! The topic is very well selected and your thoughts well-presented! I like your style..

There was one area where the meter broke down...

Her KICKS were to TEAR me a-PART...........something like "her KICKS de-SIGNED to TEAR a-PART" would fulfill the meter.

In the third stanza you deviated from the rhyme scheme. The lines of each stanza are supposed to rhyme. You used "through - true -vain"....oops

Dear Rose, you continue to improve, old friend. 16 lines and only one small deviation from meter...that is an amazing improvement. Your dedication and hard work is paying off and it's a pleasure watching you grow....

Balladeer
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31 posted 09-13-2009 11:54 AM

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LOLOL! A moose after me own heart....I'll be back later

brneyedgrly
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since 06-08-2009
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nowhere and everywhere

32 posted 09-13-2009 12:07 PM

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love everyone's poems..

deer..I wasn't trying to be rude in my response about my subject..it was just one of those very personal pieces that are best kept to oneself..a keepsake : )

thanks for letting us try this style..everyone seems to be enjoying it and doing well!

Shellie

rachaelfuchsberger

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since 02-21-2007
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Las Vegas, NV, USA

33 posted 09-13-2009 12:21 PM

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Shellie,
Thank you. I have a much harder time with iambic than trochaic, but I think I'm finally getting it.

Z,
You are always a place I can go to for support, and your piece was beautiful. Thank you.

Arana Darkwolf

Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
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34 posted 09-13-2009 12:40 PM

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Ok Balladeer, I fixed the second line. I just have to work on the rhyme. Thanks, my friends.

Alison

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since 01-27-2008
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

35 posted 09-13-2009 01:29 PM

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Balladeer, thank you. I am so happy that you are back!

Alison

Moose - you are so danged clever. You make me laugh and I love that about you.

A

Linder Lou,

There is no one that I rather do the sympacto with. That is a ballroom dance, right?

xoxoxo
Alison

-

Rachael,

You are doing good, girly.

xoxoxo
A

Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
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37 posted 09-13-2009 06:37 PM

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Ok, Sir Balladeer! I fixed it, I hope. Here is the fixed version.

Hurtful Words

At first the words had pierced my heart
Her kicks were to tear me apart
Her ways were clear right from the start
It was her art, it was her art

Her temper tantrums weren�t unseen
The truth be known, she was so mean
She�s not one on whom I would lean
She�s not so keen, she�s not so keen

Each vicious word would pierce right through
It seems her words were never true
With her it seems she was taboo
With words untrue, with words untrue

Inside this heart I hold the truth
And cannot tolerate untrue
Or even those who are so rude
You must be true, you must be true

Oklahoma Rose

Balladeer
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38 posted 09-13-2009 07:17 PM

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Back to the drawing board, Rose...still not there.

her KICKS were to TEAR me a-PART

not iambic.

rachaelfuchsberger

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since 02-21-2007
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39 posted 09-13-2009 08:56 PM

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Ok...so this one is better, and I'm pretty sure I've got the meter right through the whole thing.

Working Late

This migraine pain is hurting me
Behind my eyes so I can�t see
It�s painful now but they can�t see
Just let me be, just let me be

For home I wish and want and wait
�Cause rest sounds like a thing that�s great
I stay because the pay is bait
Please don�t go late, please don�t go late

Arana Darkwolf

Balladeer
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40 posted 09-13-2009 10:29 PM

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Meter is good, Rachel! Rhyming see and see is not, though, and the line "�Cause rest sounds like a thing that�s great" is really not worth it's weight....I KNOW you are better than that!

Don't go getting lazy on me now....

Balladeer
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41 posted 09-14-2009 12:05 AM

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I wandered through the woods of town
In search of moose tracks on the ground.
I knew they had to be around..
I made no sound. I made no sound.

This time I had to kill the beast
Or still his evil tongue, at least,
Until insulting slurs had ceased..
I'd have a feast....I'd have a feast.

I cornered him in Sutter's Cave
And, though a worthy fight he gave,
His foolish life he could not save..
Prepare the grave..prepare the grave.

I tried to barbeque and baste.
I ground his antlers into paste.
But it was all for naught - a waste.
He had no taste...he had no taste.

Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
Posts 1386
Oklahoma USA

43 posted 09-14-2009 12:23 AM

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Well darn, I forgot to change it here. Ok, how's this?

Hurtful Words

At first the words had pierced my heart
Her kicks designed to tear apart
Her ways were clear right from the start
It was her art, it was her art

Her temper tantrums weren�t unseen
The truth be known, she was so mean
She�s not one on whom I would lean
She�s not so keen, she�s not so keen

Each vicious word would pierce right through
It seems her words were never true
With her it seems she was taboo
With words untrue, with words untrue

Inside this heart I hold the truth
And cannot tolerate untrue
Or even those who are so rude
You must be true, you must be true

Oklahoma Rose

Alison

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since 01-27-2008
Posts 5898
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

44 posted 09-14-2009 02:15 AM

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Balladeer -

Not our Moose!
Bring back our Moose!

That is just too funny!

Alison

Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5898
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

45 posted 09-14-2009 02:16 AM

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Sue,

I am so proud that you didn't give up. Your writing is just getting stronger and stronger.

xoxox
Alison

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
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46 posted 09-14-2009 09:07 AM

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A deer eating a moose?!? ~ A moose eating a deer seems more plausible to me!

If in fact, you did not eat the Moosie One, (and he happens upon this poem), I'd hide if I were you!

Barbequed venison could be on his menu!!!

Deer Balladeer, that was a fine example of a Monotetra! ~ and well it should be! ~ You're the teach!

I enjoyed your wit as per usual! You're a master at writing comedic poetry ~ as is our Doctor Moose! I shall keep an eye out for a retort from him!

Dr.Moose1
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Bewilderment , USA

47 posted 09-14-2009 12:50 PM

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Woo hoo! The game's a-hoof!

A wily beast, the "Balladeer"
who's rumored to have quite an ear,
poetically enhanced I hear.
Be of good cheer, be of good cheer!

For though he sought to slay the Moose
who put tattoos on his caboose
and subjects him to much abuse,
it was no use, it was no use.

In Sutters' Cave where trap was laid
indeed a "grave" mistake was made
'twas not moose meat, but marmalade
I am afraid, I am afraid,

The doctors' orders were quite clear
no solid food just yet I fear
nor "barbied" Moose for Balladeer,
but have good cheer, but have good cheer!

Such efforts did not go to waste
regarding matters of good taste
conclusions drawn are often based
with too much haste, with too much haste.

Earth Angel
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Realms of Light

49 posted 09-14-2009 07:34 PM

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Aha! The Moose was game! I love a moose with a sense of hoomah!

My caboose is jigglin' like jelly from all the shakin' and achin' in me belly!

Well, deer moose, that was quite the moose call. Your retort made me snort ~ in a most undignified manner! lol

Loves 'n Laughs,
LL

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