Ottava Rima ME!!! - pipTalk Forums

Balladeer
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0 posted 07-26-2009 01:16 AM

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A Ottava Rima is a poem written in 8-line octives. Each line is of a 10 or 11 syllable count in
the following rhyme:

one octive poem. abababcc
two octive poem. abababcc, dededeff
three octive poem. abababcc, dededeff, ghghghii

...so on and so on
Example:

He is There

When sorrow lies entrenched within your heart
And doubts, like ocean waves, around you churn,
When chaos reigns o’er life and won’t depart
And for the peace of yesterday you yearn,
When evil thoughts are tearing you apart
And there is nowhere left for you to turn,
When dark of night persists throughout your day,
It’s time to fall upon your knees and pray.

For God is there, He’s always by your side,
He is your life’s companion and your friend,
He’s with you through each bitter storm you ride,
From morn’s first light to sunset at day’s end.
You must give up your bitterness and pride
And to your Lord extend your hand again.
He only wants for you to ask Him in
And you will be forgiven for your sin.

Copyright © 2003 Linda Newman
So go to it, laddies and lassies and mooses. Ottava Rima me with your brilliance....and your perfectly structured, magnificently metered, syllable sensitive poetry.

Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
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Oklahoma USA

1 posted 07-26-2009 12:38 PM

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Well teacher sir, to start off with, I will work on getting one ottava poem. If I can accomplish that one, then I will work on two. Do these syllables have to be in perfect meter? You know me when it comes to the meter stuff. Maybe I am making these assignments harder on myself, than they really are. I sure do stress over the stress and unstressed stuff.

rachaelfuchsberger
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since 02-21-2007
Posts 274
Las Vegas, NV, USA

4 posted 07-26-2009 06:34 PM

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Ok...one octive, but I've got rhyme scheme and I'm fairly certain I've got meter...

It ALL starTED the DAY that I met YOU
That NIGHT we WENT for A cup OF cofFEE
And INstantLY our LOVE blosSOMED and GREW
And RIGHT awAY you SWEPT me OFF my FEET
And I just KNEW that I beLONGED to YOU
And I subMIT reckLESSly AND with GLEE
And FORevER i WILL to YOU subMIT
For IN your DOMinANCE the DARK is LIT

Arana Darkwolf

Balladeer
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5 posted 07-26-2009 10:07 PM

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Arana, I lvoe your enthusiasm. I love the way to backtrack through past lessons to learn. I love the way you keep looking to improve.......BUT you ain't got meter!!!

It ALL starTED the DAY that I met YOU
That NIGHT we WENT for A cup OF cofFEE
And INstantLY our LOVE blosSOMED and GREW
And RIGHT awAY you SWEPT me OFF my FEET
And I just KNEW that I beLONGED to YOU
And I subMIT reckLESSly AND with GLEE
And FORevER i WILL to YOU subMIT
For IN your DOMinANCE the DARK is LIT

You have to imagine how it sounds when spoken. Read the first line the wasy you have it accented ten times, Actually, just read the first three words. Actually just read "starTED". Have you ever in your life said "starTED"? I don't know of any human who has. When have you ever said cofFEE? Don't go into Starbucks and ask for cofFEE or they'll call the paddy wagon!

reckLESSly? nope. FORevER? nope nope...blosSOMED? nope nope nope. These accents are all in the wrong places, my friend who is learning to hate me. The accents have to be natural. This is the way your poem reads to me..

it ALL STARTed the DAY that I met YOU
that NIGHT we WENT for a CUP of COFfee
and INstantLY our LOVE BLOSsomed and GREW
and RIGHT aWAY you SWEPT me OFF my FEET
and I just KNEW that I beLONGED to YOU
and I subMIT RECKlessLY and with GLEE
and forEVer i WILL to YOU subMIT
for IN your DOMinANCE the DARK is LIT.

Recite your poem to yourself or someone else to get the feel of where the accents should be. You can do it...

btw, you have five of the eight lines starting with "and"....not a good thing.

rachaelfuchsberger
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since 02-21-2007
Posts 274
Las Vegas, NV, USA

6 posted 07-27-2009 01:11 PM

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Good Sir Balladeer,

I'm glad you're pleased with my backtracking through lessons and trying to get meter. I'm one of those stubborn Sagittarius types. LOL. And I'm certainly not beginning to hate you. I'm actually grateful that you're patient enough with me to put up with my difficult personality. I can see the mistakes you're pointing out, and it's helping. I'll try another. Thank You.

Arana Darkwolf

rachaelfuchsberger
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since 02-21-2007
Posts 274
Las Vegas, NV, USA

8 posted 07-27-2009 05:16 PM

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Let's try Trochaic! ~crosses fingers hoping it's right this time~

WE were MEANT to BE it’s PLAIN for ME to SEE
YOU are MEANT for ME and I am MEANT for YOU
IF there WAS no YOU there WOULD not BE a ME
IF there WAS no ME there WOULD not BE a YOU
FATE enTWINED our SOULS for ALL the WORLD to SEE
FROM the BEginNING our SEEDS toGEther GREW
WITHout YOU there IS no AIR to EVen BREATHE
WHAT i FEEL for YOU no WORDS can EVen SHEATHE

Arana Darkwolf

Balladeer
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9 posted 07-27-2009 06:08 PM

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Well, the first four lines made me so dizzy I need a drink!

Actually, structurally speaking, you did much better on this one....still some problem areas, though.

BEginNING won't work. Neither will WITHout. "if there was" is incorrect English. The first sentence is grammatically incorrect but can easily be changed by changing "it's" to "is".

Otherwise, I'm impressed and feel that you are really getting there. You're beginning to think it out and get the accents in the right places. That's a good thing! You are on the road, m'lady!

Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
Posts 1205
Oklahoma USA

11 posted 07-27-2009 08:01 PM

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Ok teacher! Here is my first attempt at this Ottava Rima.

Da Dum Da Dum

Forgive me Deer, my muse has left me dry.
I've searched both high and low and all around.
She’s off, although I know not where or why.
It looks as if she does not like the sound
Of rules Da DUM Da DUM, that make me sigh.
She did not ask to leave me tied and bound.
Yet left me here too stressed tonight for sure.
When she returns, I'll try my hand at more.

rachaelfuchsberger
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since 02-21-2007
Posts 274
Las Vegas, NV, USA

12 posted 07-27-2009 08:05 PM

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Re-write!

WE were MEANT to BE is PLAIN for ME to SEE
YOU are MEANT for ME and I am MEANT for YOU
IF there WERE no YOU there WOULD not BE a ME
IF there WERE no ME there WOULD not BE a YOU
FATE enTWINED our SOULS for ALL the WORLD to SEE
FROM the VERy START our SEEDS toGEther GREW
WHEN you’re GONE there IS no AIR to EVen BREATHE
WHAT i FEEL for YOU no WORDS can EVen SHEATHE

Arana Darkwolf

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 39077
Realms of Light

13 posted 07-28-2009 08:02 PM

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Well, m'dear Deer, I thought I would take you up on your challenge and Octava Rima YOU! ~ or at least try to!

Together

As rains were misting soft lichens and grass,
~ On the hillsides of the Emerald Isle,
The blood was stirred in a lad and his lass,
in soft gloaming of the springtime’s beguile.
Together they strolled ev’ry path and pass,
and forever they’d walk every mile.
With hopeful hearts holding wishes and dreams,
~ They would traverse all life's rivers and streams.

LLD

Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
Posts 1205
Oklahoma USA

16 posted 07-28-2009 10:44 PM

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Thank you, Balladeer! Let's see if I can do as well on a second one.

Since I had some help with this one, I'll have to do another one. So it is back to the head banging.

[This message has been edited by Oklahoma Rose (07-29-2009 10:09 AM).]

Alison

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since 01-27-2008
Posts 4981
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

18 posted 07-29-2009 12:29 AM

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Hey Sue,

I took some time off because I work on a computer all danged day. My eyes were so tired and were begging for a break. I can't find my glasses (nothing new for me) so I took pity on them.

Now, I need to catch up. Or did I say that already? I am working on thinking about catching up.

xoxoxo
A

rachaelfuchsberger
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since 02-21-2007
Posts 274
Las Vegas, NV, USA

20 posted 07-29-2009 12:24 PM

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Yay me! Off to try some more! Maybe I'll make trochaic my signature meter for the pieces I write with meter. It seems easier for me than iambic. ~does victory dance~

Arana Darkwolf

crosscountry83
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since 07-30-2009
Posts 202
Trying to save myself

21 posted 07-30-2009 10:23 PM

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Really sorry, this isn't about this topic, but I was wondering if the older lessons, such as "Get off your Assonance" are still ongoing. I just joined, and that one sounded fun, but I didn't know if anyone still posted on those.

[This message has been edited by crosscountry83 (07-30-2009 10:59 PM).]

crosscountry83
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since 07-30-2009
Posts 202
Trying to save myself

22 posted 07-30-2009 11:08 PM

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Wow, this is hard, I never really liked poetry in school; not too good at it, but I figured i should try to improve... maybe...

Here's my try at it:

An eagle starts to soar the time away.
She shows the best example of a flight.
Feeling so free until the close of day,
Unites with nature 'fore the end of light.
Lands in the nest by swiping leaves astray.
Nestles up to get rest throughout the night.
Wakes up early, the first thing in the morn.'
Soon, just in time to see her young be born.

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 21235
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

24 posted 08-07-2009 12:52 PM

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crosscountry, I can see the improvement already! This poem of your has a few glitches in the meter field but it is actually quite well done, both in construction and thought...nice work.

All ofthe past lessons are ongoing. If you find one you want to tackle, when you respond it will bring it back up to the front. I look forward to seeingyour contributions!

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