Ottava Rima ME!!! - pipTalk Forums

Alison

Member Elite
since 01-27-2008
Posts 4981
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

26 posted 08-10-2009 01:47 AM

Inappropriate content?

To my Mom ~ who raised five children, knit our mittens, baked our bread, told us stories about Jack Frost and taught us that Sundays are quiet days.

Sunday Observations

Another Sunday-sit-down cup of tea
The kids play games; the bread loaves slowly bake
The smell of ginger tea and yeast is freed
I think about the mittens still to make
A strand of purple yarn falls off my knees
As windy air sends autumn to the lake
The days, now short, become much longer nights
It�s time for mittens, scarves and woolen tights

The birch leaves turn a muted gold with grace
And skies now frame the world in vivid blue
While icy, fall air longs to chill my face
It frosts my breath, reaching from hat to shoes
The window panes are tatted with fine lace
A design etched in ice, noticed by few
Another sit-down-cup-of-tea Sunday
I sip the warmth and watch fall days at play

-

Alison

[This message has been edited by Alison (08-10-2009 02:23 AM).]

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21235
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

27 posted 08-10-2009 07:53 AM

Inappropriate content?

A very beautiful and touching poem, Alison. Your poetic flower is in full bloom.

BUT....

There are three areas where the meter gets lost.

It frosts my BREATH,REACHing from hat to shoes

A deSIGN etched in ICE, NOticed by few

Clean those up and you have a wonderful piece here.

Alison

Member Elite
since 01-27-2008
Posts 4981
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

28 posted 08-10-2009 11:01 AM

Inappropriate content?

Did this get it?

-

Sunday Observations

Another Sunday-sit-down cup of tea
The kids play games; the bread loaves slowly bake
The smell of ginger tea and yeast is freed
I think about the mittens still to make;
A strand of purple yarn falls off my knees.
As windy air sends autumn to the lake
The days, now short, become much longer nights
It�s time for mittens, scarves and woolen tights.

The birch leaves turn a muted gold with grace
And skies now frame the world in vivid blue
While icy, fall air longs to chill my face
It frosts my breath, to reach from hat to shoes
The window panes are tatted with fine lace
Designs ice etched which are noticed by few
Another sit-down-cup-of-tea Sunday
I sip the warmth and watch fall days at play

-

Alison

--

Thank you soooo much!

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21235
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

29 posted 08-10-2009 02:50 PM

Inappropriate content?

You are almost there, m'lady. The first correction was great.

Designs ice etched which are noticed by few

Nope, that won't make it. You still have two unaccented syllables together (which are) and two more (-iced by).

You might try something like...

Designs ice etched unnoticed by but few....or
Designs ice etched that barely come to view....or
Designs ice etched alive for all to view

Something along those lines...........

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 09-05-99
Posts 2769
Bewilderment , USA

30 posted 08-10-2009 02:55 PM

Inappropriate content?

Somedays the workshop is such fun there's just so much to do,
we take the words we want to use and model them like clay.
It's kinda like an arts and crafts without the Elmers' glue,
not that I ever ate that stuff but, what I'm trying to say
is we don't run with scissors here and always tie our shoes,
nor make those cross-eyed faces as they're apt to stay that way.
Instead we lob some spitballs on occasion at the "Teach"
but wait until his back is turned as he has quite a reach.

Then when he's posting lessons on the blackboard we let fly.
I've seen his tweedy jacket lookin' like it weighs a ton.
Don't get me wrong, he's Balladeer and he's an alright guy
but, learnin' 'bout trajectory and windage sure is fun,
and oh, there's elevation don't forget to launch 'em high,
just like they're calibrated from a spitball snipers' gun.
Then if you've done your homework once your lesson is complete,
we'll ottova a rima and shoot spitballs, pretty sweet!

[This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (08-10-2009 07:46 PM).]

Alison

Member Elite
since 01-27-2008
Posts 4981
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

31 posted 08-10-2009 08:40 PM

Inappropriate content?

Sunday Observations

Another Sunday-sit-down cup of tea
The kids play games; the bread loaves slowly bake
The smell of ginger tea and yeast is freed
I think about the mittens still to make;
A strand of purple yarn falls off my knees.
As windy air sends autumn to the lake
The days, now short, become much longer nights
It�s time for mittens, scarves and woolen tights.

The birch leaves turn a muted gold with grace
And skies now frame the world in vivid blue
While icy, fall air longs to chill my face
It frosts my breath, to reach from hat to shoes
The window panes are tatted with fine lace
Designs on frosted glass, etched art to view
Another sit-down-cup-of-tea Sunday
I sip the warmth and watch fall days at play

-

Alison

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21235
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

32 posted 08-10-2009 09:18 PM

Inappropriate content?

Alison, you have it....beautiful!

Aha, Moose! I was wondering where those spitballs were coming from! Send me your hat size, please. I have a cylindrical hat with your name on it!!!

Alison

Member Elite
since 01-27-2008
Posts 4981
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

33 posted 08-10-2009 11:59 PM

Inappropriate content?

Okay, not to beat a finished poem to death - but, I was driving home and thinking about the fact that I wanted to change the pronoun to "she" as it is about my Mom. I also was not happy with the last line - I thought it fizzled a bit. When I read the poem out loud after making my changes, I think the second to the last line was wrong.

I think it looks like this:

aNOTHer SIT down CUP of TEA SUNday

so I changed that line, the last line, the pronoun and the first "mittens" to the word "patterns".

Would you check it out one more time, please?

xoxoxoo

-

Sunday Observations

Another Sunday-sit-down cup of tea
The kids play games; the bread loaves slowly bake
The smell of ginger tea and yeast is freed
She thinks about the patterns still to make;
A strand of purple yarn falls off her knees.
As windy air sends autumn to the lake
The days, now short, become much longer nights
It�s time for mittens, scarves and woolen tights.

The birch leaves turn a muted gold with grace
And skies now frame the world in vivid blue
While icy, fall air longs to chill her face
It frosts the breath, to reach from hat to shoes
The window panes are tatted with fine lace
Designs on frosted glass, etched art to view
Another Sunday-sit-down-sipping day
She drinks the warmth to keep the cold at bay

-

Alison

[This message has been edited by Alison (08-11-2009 01:20 AM).]

Alison

Member Elite
since 01-27-2008
Posts 4981
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

34 posted 08-11-2009 12:04 AM

Inappropriate content?

Doc,

You crack me up. I think a spit ball just zinged by while I was laughing. I never mastered the art of spit balls, so I'll just keep using my pea shooter if that is okay.

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21235
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

35 posted 08-11-2009 03:41 AM

Inappropriate content?

Alison, you have finally arrived. Truth be told, I knew that the second to the last line was out of whack but I had already beaten you about the head concerning the other lines that you worked so hard to correct, I didn't want to come back and say, "Oops! There's one more!" The fact that you were able to see it yourself and make the determination it had to be changed tells me you are really getting tuned in to this meter thingy that used to give you so many fits. Keep it up!

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 09-05-99
Posts 2769
Bewilderment , USA

36 posted 08-11-2009 06:57 AM

Inappropriate content?

Alison,
Lol, thanks. I've watched the transformation
of your poem from conception to completion. Excellent work, great imagery, with the self editing to adhere to meter being the final touch. Bravo !
Doc

Balladeer,
Oh goody! That must mean you're done polishing my crown!

Nakd,
Thanks. A chuckle here a chortle there make it all worth while.
Doc

Alison

Member Elite
since 01-27-2008
Posts 4981
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

38 posted 08-11-2009 11:10 AM

Inappropriate content?

Thank you, Balladeer dear and Doc Moose,

I did just as you both suggested and read it out loud. Amazing how that works! Just like you said! Please, please never hold back - even if it is months later. I'd rather know and learn and get it right than have a line slipped through.

But, maybe I can catch more myself now.

Hugs to you both.

xoxoxo
Alison

crosscountry83
Member
since 07-30-2009
Posts 202
Trying to save myself

39 posted 08-12-2009 09:48 PM

Inappropriate content?

You said I had a few glitches with meter... I tried to fix them, is that better?

An eagle starts to soar the time away.
She shows the best example of a flight.
She flies so free until the close of day,
Unites with nature 'fore the end of light.
Lands in the nest by sweeping leaves astray.
She nestles up to get rest through the night.
But rises quick, at first light in the morn.'
Soon, just in time to see her young be born.

I think I see where the accents didn't fit. Please tell me if there is anything else wrong with the meter.

Rileigh

[This message has been edited by crosscountry83 (08-13-2009 06:25 PM).]

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21235
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

42 posted 08-18-2009 11:45 PM

Inappropriate content?

Thanks for the bumps, Rileigh. They wake me up!

You did it perfectly. Every accent is in the right place and the meter is exact.

DOn't care too much for the "She flies so free.." because it gives the impression you are sticking "so" in there simply to maintain the meter, which is probably accurate

I would use something like "She freely flies.." or some other way to say it...just a thought.

Otherwise, very nice work

crosscountry83
Member
since 07-30-2009
Posts 202
Trying to save myself

44 posted 08-19-2009 10:29 PM

Inappropriate content?

Thanks, that's a much better way of saying it. Meter wasn't my original intention, but it just worked and I didn't think too much about changing words.. I like that way much better. Thanks!

Rileigh

	User Options

Admin	Print	Send	ECard


	User Options
>> Main Forums >> Poetry Workshop >> Ottava Rima ME!!! [ Page: 1 2 ]
	Print	Send	ECard