Help Me, Rondeau! - pipTalk Forums

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21361
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

0 posted 07-09-2009 08:06 AM

Inappropriate content?

Rondeau

A Rondeau is a French form, 15 lines long, consisting of three stanzas: a quintet, a quatrain, and a sestet with a rhyme scheme as follows: aabba aabR aabbaR. Lines 9 and 15 are short - a refrain ) consisting of a phrase taken from line one. The other lines are longer (but all of the
same metrical length). Could be one of the most beautiful things to come out of France since Bridgette Bardot! No problem for the pipsters, I'm sure!

.
.

            Springtime Air

Come follow me, I'll lead you where
The days are fine and nights are fair;
Where fields of clover, lush and green,
Will visit you within this scene --
       As March inhales the springtime air.

So come with me and we shall share
The freshness springtime can ensnare,
As fields of flowers thus convene.--
     Come follow me...

Springtime's approach to which we're heir
Will bring about winter's repair,
Where we shall witness sights serene
And glory in that to be seen.
No other season can compare.
     Come follow me...

Copyright � 2004 Dan Tharp

.

btw....in the example above there is one place where the meter breaks down. Find it for additional points.

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member
since 02-28-2008
Posts 1294
Oklahoma USA

1 posted 07-09-2009 10:50 AM

Inappropriate content?

Oh gee, Sir Balladeer, I'm feeling overwhelmed here. I have even done the last one, yet, and you are presenting us with another one.

I think the meter breaks down where it says "Come Follow Me".

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21361
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

2 posted 07-09-2009 02:07 PM

Inappropriate content?

Take your time, Rose..

No, the meter doesn't break down there. That is part of the construction, the refrain crafted from the first line.

rachaelfuchsberger
Member
since 02-21-2007
Posts 289
Las Vegas, NV, USA

4 posted 07-11-2009 01:37 PM

Inappropriate content?

"Will bring about winter's repair" may be where the meter breaks down. I do ask for some time on this one as I have sprained my wrist and will be out of commission for a couple days.

Arana Darkwolf

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21361
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

6 posted 07-11-2009 05:27 PM

Inappropriate content?

About time, birthday girl! (and I don't want to hear any "I'm too old for this stuff" talk!)

Nicely done, Rachel! That is exactly where the meter falters

rachaelfuchsberger
Member
since 02-21-2007
Posts 289
Las Vegas, NV, USA

9 posted 07-11-2009 09:47 PM

Inappropriate content?

Ok... so I'm pretty sure my meter breaks down in this one, but here's my go at it:

You Touch Me So

You touch me so roughly gently,
My soul sings coarsely and freely,
As my body, it also sings,
At the joy that your rough touch brings
And again, you touch me sweetly.

I reach for you so greedily,
You reach for me so hungrily,
And we�re whispering sweet nothings,
You touch me so�

You fill me up so completely,
You touch me so indiscreetly,
We go from whispered sweet nothings,
To raspy, passionate somethings,
�Till I roll over sleepily,
You touch me so�

Arana Darkwolf

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 18118
Between the Lines

10 posted 07-11-2009 10:09 PM

Inappropriate content?

Yesterday's Gift

Today, a gift I celebrate
The sounds of past, my mind of late
In tune from one, who's left me now
Though never out of thought, some how-
    With twist of roads to navigate.

A calm I feel, when in this state
Preserving once what was first rate
Of friendships found, this too, allow-
   Today a gift...

These words tonight which I create
Once monthly thoughts, days now of late.
Sometimes life's journey raises brow
The missing of, to this night owl
Remembering, left up to fate-
   Today a gift...
M

[This message has been edited by nakdthoughts (07-12-2009 06:48 PM).]

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 09-05-99
Posts 2775
Bewilderment , USA

11 posted 07-12-2009 09:12 AM

Inappropriate content?

Oh my, oh me, for goodness sakes,
most surely there's been some mistake!
Stay vigilant and on your toes
for, far as an example goes
this one Deer's quoted takes the cake.

It's "winter" where the meter breaks
if we wrote thus we would be raked
on coals as everybody knows.
Oh my, oh me, for goodness sakes!

And though my work is oft' half-baked
no meter would I e'er forsake.
One may as well write garbled prose
or make kazoo sounds with their nose,
such is the difference meter makes.
Oh my, oh me, for goodness sakes!

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21361
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

12 posted 07-12-2009 09:55 AM

Inappropriate content?

Rachel, your meter not only breaks down, it becomes roadkill on the poetic highway of life!

You were great finding the broken meter in the example. Now tell me where the meter breaks down in YOUR poem

Maureen, how I wish I could write like you. You can take the simplest thought and make something beautiful of it. Only one rough spot where you lose it..Once monthly thoughts, daily of late. thoughts, followed by daily, kill the flow of the poem. Otherwise it is perfection.

Moose, Robert Redford has nothing on you. You are indeed The Natural. (haven't thought about the nose kazoo sound in quite a while). Brilliant, as always

Sunshine...whatsamatter? Can't write anything new??? You trying to be like me??

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 18118
Between the Lines

13 posted 07-12-2009 10:51 AM

Inappropriate content?

Once monthly thoughts, daily of late

can you tell me exactly what is wrong with that... the meaning is of change from thinking monthly about it to daily and I accent it this way:

Once MONTHly THOUGHTS, daiLY of LATE ..hmm although that IS stretching it a bit

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21361
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

14 posted 07-12-2009 11:43 AM

Inappropriate content?

Well, if you can convince me that daily has the accent on the last syllable, I'll agree with you.

If I ask you how often you bathe and you reply daiLY!, I'll be looking behind you to see if someone goosed you!

rachaelfuchsberger
Member
since 02-21-2007
Posts 289
Las Vegas, NV, USA

15 posted 07-12-2009 12:46 PM

Inappropriate content?

Ok...so going back over it, there is almost absolutely no meter in that piece. I have a lot of reworking to do when it quits hurting my wrist to type.

Arana Darkwolf

Alison

Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5281
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

16 posted 07-12-2009 04:40 PM

Inappropriate content?

Doc Moose,

I love the poem and you answered my question. I am so danged tone deaf to some stuff. But, I am hearing better thanks to you and the Balladeer Guy.

Alison

[This message has been edited by Alison (07-12-2009 06:28 PM).]

Alison

Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5281
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

17 posted 07-12-2009 06:07 PM

Inappropriate content?

Sibling Complexity

Love does not end when sisters fight
It�s hidden with pain out of sight
As dried up laughter fills the cracks
From bitter words that weren�t held back
And endless pride trumps over right.

A relationship tangled tight
By tattered thoughts prone to ignite
Like dried wood on a pyre stack
Love does not end �

The feelings weave with subtle might
They spring from dreams that fill the night
To hush the cries and dry tear tracks
To heal the wounds from each attack
Then pain will dim as hope grows bright.
Love does not end �

-

Alison

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 18118
Between the Lines

18 posted 07-12-2009 06:46 PM

Inappropriate content?

Hey, if someone's goosing me, I'll be looking behind me, too!

You a funny guy!
OK,OK so I changed the line to:
Once monthly thoughts, days now of late...

not sure if that is better or not

Balladeer
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21361
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

19 posted 07-12-2009 07:07 PM

Inappropriate content?

Makes all the difference in the world, Maureen...nicely changed

Excellent poem, Alison. Your meter breaks down in two places. Find them.....

Alison

Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5281
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

21 posted 07-12-2009 07:28 PM

Inappropriate content?

Before I make changes, I want to make sure that I have identified the problems.

Is it

And endless pride trumps over right.

By tattered thoughts prone to ignite

Alison

Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5281
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

22 posted 07-13-2009 01:47 AM

Inappropriate content?

Sometimes I get so frustrated that I can't figure out this stuff on my own! I feel like a freaking toddler!

Okay, that moment of venting is over. Am I right (laughs .. comes back in and fixes this .. I enen wrote "right" as "write"!)in where I was wrong?

A

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 09-05-99
Posts 2775
Bewilderment , USA

23 posted 07-13-2009 08:00 AM

Inappropriate content?

Alison,
Ty for your comment. In your piece, you start out in perfect iambic tetrameter ( da DUM, da DUM, da DUM, da DUM ) however there are certain places where your meter breaks down. If I may suggest, your first stanza would hold the established meter better something like this,

Love does not end when sisters fight
it hides with pain just out of sight
as dried up laughter fills the cracks
from bitter words that weren't held back
while endless pride trumped over right

In your second stanza "relationship" causes problems ( the stresses are out of synch ), and "pyre" unless you pronounce it with two syllables.

Your final stanza is fine as is. Hope this helps, and you don't mind my "nit-picking".
Doc

	User Options

Admin	Print	Send	ECard


	User Options
>> Main Forums >> Poetry Workshop >> Help Me, Rondeau! [ Page: 1 2 3 ]
	Print	Send	ECard