Help Me, Rondeau! - pipTalk Forums

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 39478
Realms of Light

50 posted 08-22-2009 04:47 PM

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Balladeer, I am so pleased with your suggestion!!! It's perfect! I laboured over that line and you came up with the perfect words! ~ That's why you're the teacher and I'm the student! Thank you!

The change has been made!

As for you being "a knight in slightly tarnished armor", I'm rather intrigued! Would you mind if I buffed you up a bit with a good rub and transform you into my knight in shining armour?

Elias Nevermore
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since 11-03-2007
Posts 132

51 posted 09-01-2009 03:14 AM

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Die mankind, shouts the lonely tree
whose old friends he has long not seen,
for they were lost to the dark fire
which was used to fuel mankind's desire,
since the ends justify the means.

The vision of the tree is keen.
He saw the fire destroy the green
and now he shouts with all his ire,
Die mankind.

And now as all of mankind flees
the repercussions of their means,
all those who have survived are tired,
silently hating men, those liars.
They destroyed us. They are all fiends.
Die mankind.

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

52 posted 09-02-2009 10:46 AM

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Elias, thank you for your participation! You did very well in following the rhyme scheme and structure of the poem....good job. I also like the premise of the poem, environmental destruction as seen from the eyes of nature.

You were also  very adept at making the sentences the same syllable length, with the  exception of the 4th line in  the first stanza.. The only problem I see with the poem is the meter.,

When I read  the first two lines..

Die mankind, shouts the lonely tree
whose old friends he has long not seen,

I thought, "I'm in for a real treat!". Unfortunately the meter went downhill after that. The iambic was lost in the third line with "lost to the dark fire". The fourth line began with an anapest "which was used" and the fifth with a trochee "since  the".

The second stanza is wonderful. In the third stanza, you begin with a trochee in the fourth line "silently". The fifth line has little recognizable meter to it.

Most of these are easily fixed and will enhance the message in your poem greatly. The other  bone of contention is with "Die mankind". I think to give it more power and clarity it would be best to change it to "Die, mankind!"  So, let  me make a few minor adjustments and you can decide if you agree or not. You don't have to. After all, it's YOUR poem

Die, mankind!, shouts the lonely tree
whose old friends he has long not seen,
for they were lost to darkened fires
used up to fuel mankind's desires,
the ends to justify the means.

The vision of the tree is keen.
He saw the fire destroy the green
and now he shouts with all his ire,
Die, mankind!

And now as all of mankind flees
the repercussions of their means,
all those who have survived are tired.
and hate men who are naught but liars
destroying us, those evil fiends.
Die, mankind!

Elias Nevermore
Member
since 11-03-2007
Posts 132

53 posted 09-02-2009 03:25 PM

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Thank you Balladeer for your great advice.

I've always had trouble writing in iambic pentameter, for the simple reason that I mostly write free verse poetry.

However, these lessons you post int he poetry workshop have helped learn how to write when restricted to a form and a meter. They have allowed me to a new venue in which to use my creativity.

I agree with the adjustments you made to the poem, for they greatly enhance the flow.

I also liked the suggestion of placing more emphasis on the line "Die mankind" by changing it to "Die, mankind!".

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 39478
Realms of Light

55 posted 09-10-2009 12:11 AM

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Balladeer ~

I do believe that the Rondeau is one of my favourite poetic forms to both read and write.
Here's another go at one.

When Night Time Falls  (Rondeau)

When night time falls, I slip away
to realms beyond the light of day.
I lie in bed in sweet repose
as waking hours come to a close.
With folded hands, to God I pray.

I rise through stars in vast array
and sail across the Milky Way.
I feel at peace as heartbeat slows
  ~ When night time falls.

In awe I view this grand display.
Among the stars I wish to stay,
to vibrate with the astral flows
where mind expands and spirit glows,
while I'm awash with Cosmic Ray.
  ~ When night time falls.

LLD

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 39478
Realms of Light

56 posted 09-15-2009 12:39 AM

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I just read my rondeau and realized it needed some tweaking ~ so here is my tweaked version.

When Night Time Falls  (Rondeau)

When night time falls, I slip away
to realms beyond the light of day.
I lie in bed in sweet repose
as moon's in rise at eve time's close.
With folded hands, to God I pray.

I rise through stars in vast array
and sail across the Milky Way.
I feel at peace as heartbeat slows
  ~ When night time falls.

With awe I view this grand display.
Among the stars, I wish to stay.
I vibrate with the astral flows
where mind expands and spirit glows.
I am awash with Cosmic Ray.
  ~ When night time falls.

LLD

Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21361
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

57 posted 09-15-2009 07:09 PM

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Very nice, Angel. You made some good improvements..

If I may, there is one other area worthy of consideration. There are purists who feel that contractions do not belong in poetry. I confess I use them myself, but only when necessary.

as moon's in rise at eve time's close.

...could be written as "With moon in rise at evening close".

You can decide what you like best.....

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 39478
Realms of Light

58 posted 09-15-2009 07:59 PM

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Thank you, dear teach. However, if I may be so bold, I believe that there are nine syllables in your suggestion.

I will most assuredly keep in mind that purists may not like contractions.
Hmm, the poets in days of old used them i.e. e'er and o'er and they sure come in handy when you need to knock off a syllable! lol

Thank you! I'm pleased that you like the improvements that I have made. I actually was rather embarassed when I went back and read my first version. Egads!

Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21361
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

59 posted 09-15-2009 08:15 PM

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Well, being bold does not always lead to accuracy

Let's chalk it off to regional speech. I don't know anyone who pronounces evening as a three-syllable word..certainly no one in my part of the country does. If they do in yours, that's ok by me

Actually I DO recall someone who pronounced it with three syllables. Dracula, upon greeting his guests and future victims, would say..

Good EV-EN-ING!

btw...e'er and o'er were the language of their day. Er have since progressed to air and oar

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 39478
Realms of Light

60 posted 09-15-2009 10:08 PM

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Deer-ie me! You never cease to make me laugh. Well, I suppose in my neck of the Canadian woods, we're all a bunch of Dracula wannabes!

You make learning so much fun, teach! I wish all my teachers had been as entertaining as you!

May you have a "Good EV-EN-ING!" lol

Alison

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since 01-27-2008
Posts 5281
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

61 posted 09-16-2009 12:27 AM

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I agree. You do make learning fun, Balladeer. You caught my eye with that "no contraction" suggestion. I use them and will work to eliminate them (or cut back on them).

Thank you - and, Linda, good ev-en-ing to you, dahlink.

xooxo
A

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