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Passions in Poetry

Help Me, Rondeau!

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Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 40647
Realms of Light


50 posted 08-22-2009 04:47 PM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Earth Angel's Home Page   View IP for Earth Angel

Balladeer, I am so pleased with your suggestion!!! It's perfect! I laboured over that line and you came up with the perfect words! ~ That's why you're the teacher and I'm the student! Thank you!

The change has been made!

As for you being "a knight in slightly tarnished armor", I'm rather intrigued! Would you mind if I buffed you up a bit with a good rub and transform you into my knight in shining armour?


LL
Elias Nevermore
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since 11-03-2007
Posts 153


51 posted 09-01-2009 03:14 AM       View Profile for Elias Nevermore   Email Elias Nevermore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Elias Nevermore

Die mankind, shouts the lonely tree
whose old friends he has long not seen,
for they were lost to the dark fire
which was used to fuel mankind's desire,
since the ends justify the means.

The vision of the tree is keen.
He saw the fire destroy the green
and now he shouts with all his ire,
Die mankind.

And now as all of mankind flees
the repercussions of their means,
all those who have survived are tired,
silently hating men, those liars.
They destroyed us. They are all fiends.
Die mankind.
Balladeer
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52 posted 09-02-2009 10:46 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Elias, thank you for your participation! You did very well in following the rhyme scheme and structure of the poem....good job. I also like the premise of the poem, environmental destruction as seen from the eyes of nature.

You were also  very adept at making the sentences the same syllable length, with the  exception of the 4th line in  the first stanza.. The only problem I see with the poem is the meter.,

When I read  the first two lines..

Die mankind, shouts the lonely tree
whose old friends he has long not seen,

I thought, "I'm in for a real treat!". Unfortunately the meter went downhill after that. The iambic was lost in the third line with "lost to the dark fire". The fourth line began with an anapest "which was used" and the fifth with a trochee "since  the".

The second stanza is wonderful. In the third stanza, you begin with a trochee in the fourth line "silently". The fifth line has little recognizable meter to it.

Most of these are easily fixed and will enhance the message in your poem greatly. The other  bone of contention is with "Die mankind". I think to give it more power and clarity it would be best to change it to "Die, mankind!"  So, let  me make a few minor adjustments and you can decide if you agree or not. You don't have to. After all, it's YOUR poem  

Die, mankind!,  shouts the lonely tree
whose old friends he has long not seen,
for they were lost to darkened  fires
used up to fuel mankind's desires,
the ends to justify the means.

The vision of the tree is keen.
He saw the fire destroy the green
and now he shouts with all his ire,
Die, mankind!

And now as all of mankind flees
the repercussions of their means,
all those who have survived are tired.
and hate men who are naught but liars
destroying us, those evil fiends.
Die, mankind!
Elias Nevermore
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since 11-03-2007
Posts 153


53 posted 09-02-2009 03:25 PM       View Profile for Elias Nevermore   Email Elias Nevermore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Elias Nevermore

Thank you Balladeer for your great advice.

I've always had trouble writing in iambic pentameter, for the simple reason that I mostly write free verse poetry.

However, these lessons you post int he poetry workshop have helped learn how to write when restricted to a form and a meter. They have allowed me to a new venue in which to use my creativity.

I agree with the adjustments you made to the poem, for they greatly enhance the flow.

I also liked the suggestion of placing more emphasis on the line "Die mankind" by changing it to "Die, mankind!".

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
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54 posted 09-10-2009 12:02 AM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Earth Angel's Home Page   View IP for Earth Angel

Hi, Elias! Powerful poem you've got there!


LL
Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
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Realms of Light


55 posted 09-10-2009 12:11 AM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Earth Angel's Home Page   View IP for Earth Angel

Balladeer ~

I do believe that the Rondeau is one of my favourite poetic forms to both read and write.
Here's another go at one.

When Night Time Falls  (Rondeau)


When night time falls, I slip away  
to realms beyond the light of day.  
I lie in bed in sweet repose    
as waking hours come to a close.  
With folded hands, to God I pray.

I rise through stars in vast array    
and sail across the Milky Way.  
I feel at peace as heartbeat slows  
  ~ When night time falls.  

In awe I view this grand display.
Among the stars I wish to stay,
to vibrate with the astral flows
where mind expands and spirit glows,  
while I'm awash with Cosmic Ray.
  ~ When night time falls.

LLD
Earth Angel
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56 posted 09-15-2009 12:39 AM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Earth Angel's Home Page   View IP for Earth Angel

I just read my rondeau and realized it needed some tweaking ~ so here is my tweaked version.

When Night Time Falls  (Rondeau)

When night time falls, I slip away  
to realms beyond the light of day.  
I lie in bed in sweet repose    
as moon's in rise at eve time's close.  
With folded hands, to God I pray.

I rise through stars in vast array    
and sail across the Milky Way.  
I feel at peace as heartbeat slows  
  ~ When night time falls.  

With awe I view this grand display.
Among the stars, I wish to stay.
I vibrate with the astral flows
where mind expands and spirit glows.  
I am awash with Cosmic Ray.
  ~ When night time falls.

LLD
Balladeer
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57 posted 09-15-2009 07:09 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Very nice, Angel. You made some good improvements..

If I may, there is one other area worthy of consideration. There are purists who feel that contractions do not belong in poetry. I confess I use them myself, but only when necessary.

as moon's in rise at eve time's close.

...could be written as "With moon in rise at evening close".

You can decide what you like best.....
Earth Angel
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58 posted 09-15-2009 07:59 PM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Earth Angel's Home Page   View IP for Earth Angel

Thank you, dear teach. However, if I may be so bold, I believe that there are nine syllables in your suggestion.

I will most assuredly keep in mind that purists may not like contractions.
Hmm, the poets in days of old used them i.e. e'er and o'er and they sure come in handy when you need to knock off a syllable! lol

Thank you! I'm pleased that you like the improvements that I have made. I actually was rather embarassed when I went back and read my first version. Egads!


LL

Balladeer
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59 posted 09-15-2009 08:15 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Well, being bold does not always lead to accuracy  

Let's chalk it off to regional speech. I don't know anyone who pronounces evening as a three-syllable word..certainly no one in my part of the country does. If they do in yours, that's ok by me  

Actually I DO recall someone who pronounced it with three syllables. Dracula, upon greeting his guests and future victims, would say..

Good EV-EN-ING!





btw...e'er and o'er were the language of their day. Er have since progressed to air and oar
Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 40647
Realms of Light


60 posted 09-15-2009 10:08 PM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Earth Angel's Home Page   View IP for Earth Angel

Deer-ie me! You never cease to make me laugh. Well, I suppose in my neck of the Canadian woods, we're all a bunch of Dracula wannabes!

You make learning so much fun, teach! I wish all my teachers had been as entertaining as you!

May you have a "Good EV-EN-ING!" lol

LL


Alison
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61 posted 09-16-2009 12:27 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

I agree.  You do make learning fun, Balladeer.  You caught my eye with that "no contraction" suggestion.  I use them and will work to eliminate them (or cut back on them).

Thank you - and, Linda, good ev-en-ing to you, dahlink.

xooxo
A
Amberzlynnc
Member
since 08-24-2010
Posts 227
New Jersey


62 posted 09-20-2010 02:57 AM       View Profile for Amberzlynnc   Email Amberzlynnc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Amberzlynnc's Home Page   View IP for Amberzlynnc

This journal's filled with poems and prose.
Nonsense to you, I would suppose.
Just words and thoughts straight from my mind,
these pages are my life, defined.
My deepest feelings are enclosed.

My works have cons and they have pros
but mostly honesty exposed,
and at the end my name is signed.
This journal's filled...

The facts I've written, no one knows.
Though now my secrets are disclosed.
My creations are not refined
onehundred percent of the time.
Read on and see how they're composed.
This journal's filled...

*Amber

Balladeer
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63 posted 09-20-2010 09:12 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Ahhh, Amber! You have composed a beautiful rondeau! The subject matter is excellent and you had me gliding along with the beautiful flow of the lines.

Then you lost it in two lines

"My creations are not refined
onehundred percent of the time."

You had a perefect iambic flow up to that point. These lines deviated from it.

MY cre-A(-tions are) NOT re-FINED
one HUN-(dred per)-CENT (of the) TIME.

There is no recognizable meter there and the sentences are choppy. Let's see what we can do to correct them.

Creations are not well-defined
A full percentage of the time.

You may not prefer "a full percentage" as much as "one hundred percent" but, if you fashion your poem in iambic (which you did in  the first 11 lines), that is a phrase that just won't work because it cannot not be read iambically.

Let me know what you think.....and thank you for tackling this form!

Amberzlynnc
Member
since 08-24-2010
Posts 227
New Jersey


64 posted 09-22-2010 02:34 PM       View Profile for Amberzlynnc   Email Amberzlynnc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Amberzlynnc's Home Page   View IP for Amberzlynnc

Thank you! See, I sensed that those lines didn't work very well.. I just couldnt think of anything that would work better. But your suggestion is great, it reads a lot more smoothly that way thanks!

*Amber

Balladeer
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65 posted 09-22-2010 06:54 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

My pleasure, Amber. Thank you for your participation!


btw...I think "great percentage" would work better than "full".
 
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