Help Me, Rondeau! - pipTalk Forums

Dr.Moose1
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25 posted 07-13-2009 12:41 PM

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Balladeer,
Ty, most erudite editor of erroneous meter.
For a most excellent edifying example of nose kazoo, might I suggest "Lather" by the Jefferson Airplane?
Doc

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26 posted 07-13-2009 05:03 PM

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Alison, Dr. Moose picked one of them. The other is..

It�s hidden with pain out of sight

it's HID-den with PAIN OUT of SIGHT

Two unaccented syllables together (-den with)
Two accented syllables together (pain out)

The two you suggested were fine.

rachaelfuchsberger
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27 posted 07-13-2009 08:24 PM

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K....so here's a second go at it:

Today is painful I must say
The pain in my back�s here to stay
I want to go to my small home
I want to go rest in my room
To sleep away this painful day

My boss tells me that I must stay
For me to leave there is no way
I still have two hours and some
Today is painful�

All I want is to go and lay
In my bed and sleep through the day
In my comfy master bedroom
There is no time that is too soon
Today is painful�

Arana Darkwolf

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28 posted 07-14-2009 12:06 AM

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At least you don't give up, Arana. I'll look forward to your third attempt...or dissect this one, if you like.

Earth Angel
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29 posted 07-14-2009 12:18 AM

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Well, I just spent the evening writing a Rondeau. I hope that I didn't break any commandments or commit too many sins ~ but my intentions are pure!

While I�m Asleep

While I�m asleep, sweet dreams I weave.
~ Drift off to lands of Make Believe.
I sail across the starlit skies,
Until the morn when I arise.
I�m wrapped in dreams each summer�s eve.

I carry fairies on my sleeve.
They hang on tight and dare not leave.
I see the wonder in their eyes.
~ While I�m asleep.

The countless blessings I receive,
From distant travels I perceive,
Have led me to a paradise,
Where all is pure and all are wise.
As I aspire ~ I will achieve.
~ While I�m asleep.

LLD

Alison

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30 posted 07-14-2009 12:40 AM

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Sibling Complexity

Love does not end when sisters fight
It grows from pain, then hides from sight
As dried up laughter fills the cracks
From bitter words that weren�t held back
And endless pride trumps over right.

A sister's love is tangled tight
By tattered thoughts prone to ignite
From heated words - restraint they lack.
Love does not end �

The feelings weave with subtle might
They spring from dreams that fill the night
To hush the cries and dry tear tracks
To heal the wounds from each attack
Then pain will dim as hope grows bright.
Love does not end �

-

Alison

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31 posted 07-14-2009 01:12 AM

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No, Dear Alison, "Love does not end" over a simple case of sibling rivalry. I have a sister and the love stays strong even when things have gone wrong.

I really rike your rondeau, Rhonda! (I like using alliteration so please forgive me.)

LL xo

Alison

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32 posted 07-14-2009 01:26 AM

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Thank you, Linda. My oldest sister and I rarely fight - so our recent falling out has hurt us both. When this one gets the green light, I am sending it on to her.

I love you.
A

Earth Angel
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33 posted 07-14-2009 01:59 AM

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Alison, I'm sure that it will get the "Green Light" and that it will go far in healing the rift between you and your sister. "Love does not end".

Love you too,
LL

Dr.Moose1
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34 posted 07-14-2009 09:09 AM

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OWWW! ( holding hands on posterior ) It appears I've been kicked all the way back here from open #45 to await correction for pawning off a "counterfeit" Rondeau.
Doc

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36 posted 07-14-2009 10:04 AM

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Green light given, Alison. It's well-written and makes your point and message very clear. You go, girl!

Alison

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37 posted 07-14-2009 10:08 AM

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Thank you, Mr. Teacher. I'll send it off to her.

Alison

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38 posted 07-14-2009 10:19 AM

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Oh, Deer! Is my Rondeau so poorly written that you can't Bear to look at it? Linda quietly slips away and sheds a tear...

Balladeer
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39 posted 07-14-2009 10:21 AM

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My mistake, Moose. I did you an injustice. No, you are not forgiven for the counterfeit

but, at first reading, I though the doc had lost his marbles - and his meter. Sentences began with iamb, trochees, anapests, and I had a hard time following any rythym. For a mortal this would have been forgivable, but for such a champion of meter as you, I attributed it to either Johnny Walker of Jim Beam.

Then, after two valiums and a percocet, I reasoned that there must be a different answer. MIchaelangelo does not simply begin painting stick figures...so I studied it again and realized that, by beginning each line with an anapest, everything fell into place and all was right in the world.

Balance has been restored to the universe and you have my apology for my short-sightedness.

Balladeer
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40 posted 07-14-2009 10:28 AM

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Sorry, Linda. Alison got me side-tracked with her horny angelness and I lost my train of thought.

Not one criticism can I make, miss. The form is perfect, as is the dreamy picture you paint of you mind traveling as you sleep is first-rate. You have it down well!

Earth Angel
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41 posted 07-14-2009 11:17 AM

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Well, if you could see me now, I'm doing Mistletoe Angel's 'Happy Dance'!

I'm pleased that you're pleased! I have always wanted to make my teachers happy!

rachaelfuchsberger
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42 posted 07-14-2009 02:00 PM

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I shall deffinitely try again. I'm one of those stubborn Sagittarius types that is determined to get it right.

Arana Darkwolf

Dr.Moose1
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43 posted 07-14-2009 03:32 PM

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Balladeer,
Pip, pip, right-o, oh merciless master of metaphor, anapestic it was, although it didn't lend itself easily to this form.
Wonderful to see that your sense of humor has been restored ( along with universal balance )lol. I'd watch the encapsulated cocktails if I was you though, too much of a good thing yanno.
Doc

rachaelfuchsberger
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since 02-21-2007
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44 posted 07-14-2009 07:12 PM

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Ok....I KNOW I have the rhyme scheme right. I'm still struggling with meter. *does best impression of Oliver Twist* Please,Sir, can I have some more? (Help, that is.)

Arana Darkwolf

Earth Angel
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45 posted 07-19-2009 07:36 PM

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I love the Rondeau ~ so much so, that I have written another one! ~ and to think I used to balk at the idea of structuring my poetic thoughts!

In Shangri-La

In Shangri-La the rivers flow,
With milk and honey ~ smooth and slow.
The skies are clear and sapphire blue,
Each flower is of rainbow hue.
Caressing zephyrs softly blow.

The stars at night set it aglow.
It�s heaven down on Earth below,
~ Where all is young and in renew.
~ In Shangri-La

A dreamscape, where I long to go.
~ But where it is, I do not know.
It is not legend. It is true,
For I have seen it in full view,
~ When I was there so long ago.
~ In Shangri-La.

LLD

[This message has been edited by Earth Angel (07-19-2009 08:26 PM).]

Balladeer
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46 posted 07-19-2009 09:38 PM

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Well, Angel, there's no doubt you're the queen of La-La Land!

This one is ideal...very nicely done. it's refreshing to know there is no do-do in Shangri-La. Sounds like paradise to me!

Earth Angel
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47 posted 07-19-2009 09:46 PM

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Thanks, Teach!

You can trust the word of an 'angel' ~ Shangri-La IS Paradise! ~ Now, if only I can find it again!

Earth Angel
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48 posted 08-22-2009 03:56 PM

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Hi, Teach!

I'm baaack! With my third Rondeau! I agree with you that this is an incredibly beautiful form of poetry! ~ When it is done well! ~ Which I'm hoping that I have managed to do! I await your verdict!

In Camelot

In Camelot, I dream of knight,
Whose kisses make my heart take flight.
So rapt am I, I cannot speak,
I tremble and my knees grow weak,
~ When he appears on steed of white.

His words of charm are sheer delight.
I feel a spark ~ within, ignite.
With gentle touch, he strokes my cheek.
~ In Camelot

He comes to me in still of night,
The moment I turn out the light.
He doles the love for which I seek.
My dreams are sweet. ~ No longer bleak,
As I have wished with all my might.
~ In Camelot.

LLD

[This message has been edited by Earth Angel (08-22-2009 04:39 PM).]

Balladeer
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49 posted 08-22-2009 04:16 PM

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Angel! You have turned into a Rondeau Rabble Rouser!! This one is great...very well done.

As soon as I turn out the light.

I think I would prefer..

The moment I turn out the light

as being smoother and more poetic...but that's just me.

May your Lancelot come riding by.....or, if you will settle for a knight in slightly tarnished armor...call me!

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