Try a Trilonnet! - pipTalk Forums

Alison

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51 posted 07-12-2009 12:49 AM

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Linda and Maureen, your poems are beautiful. And, M? Your reply cracked me up.

Love you both,
A

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52 posted 07-12-2009 09:02 AM

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Oklahoma Rose would be wrong on this one, I'm afraid. We are a little tougher here than in Open, all in the name of trying to better our work. I like the theme and what you portray in the poem, EA, but the way you do it is what I call fudging. Poetry should be natural and flow the way our normal conversations flow. One of the no-no's in rhymed poetry is inserting unnecessary words for the sake of maintaining meter.

as sun does set when day is done
White lambs, across my bed, do leap
Bright stars do blanket ebon skies

Too much do-do here.....fudging to maintain the syllable count.

for fear the lambs, away, will run.

Spoken like someone who has English as a second language....Fudging....rearranging words in an unnatural way to maintain the rhyme.

Don't fall in love with a line so much you are willing to butcher it to keep it. We all have lines we like that just won't make it and we have to use our noodles to find another way or discard it. Don't get lazy on me!!!!!!

brneyedgrly
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53 posted 07-12-2009 10:05 AM

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~brneyedgrly scratches her head in intimidation from this challenge and the talent here~

any simple ideas for a beginner to get things started?

pretty please?

~shellie

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54 posted 07-12-2009 10:20 AM

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Sure, SHellie...

It all depends where you feel you need work or information. Writing poetry is like anything else...you must know the basics and the tools of the trade before you can come up with a good finished product. Words are useless unless presented in a nice package. Creating a poem is like preparing a delicious meal. You need to know the ingredients first...then you need to know the cooking instructions...then you come out with a nice dish for all to enjoy.

So find out where you need work. Meter? Feet? poetry types? Alliterations? SImiles? We have lessons here on all of those. Go back through the past lessons of the workshop and find lessons pertaining to what you think you need more knowledge of. That's the best advice I can offer.

brneyedgrly
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55 posted 07-12-2009 10:56 AM

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~mr balladeer...

yes, i have looked at those lessons here (more than once!) and i think i understand those pieces...however, the problem comes when i try to apply meter (the how)to what it is i'm trying to say (the what)...does that only make sense to me?

i feel kind of claustrophobic and reigned in...maybe i just need to give up my control...  : )

i was wondering if it might help to take something i've already written and try to rewrite with meter?  to start with?

i don't know if there's hope on this one...

shel

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56 posted 07-12-2009 11:01 AM

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Good morning, Oklahoma's finest rose! Well, it appears that you were somewhat over-optimistic regarding Balladeer's opinion at my feeble attempt at writing a Trilonnet! But that was very sweet of you to say!

Like yourself, I find putting my thoughts into proper metre, challenging to say the very least.

Earth Angel
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57 posted 07-12-2009 11:06 AM

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Maureen, your trillonet was gorgeous and very smooth and silky. Lovely! I can see what Balladeer is talking about re my attempt. It is choppy and forced and full of mud! Well, I best sharpen that pencil of mine! We have a hard task-master! lol

Earth Angel
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58 posted 07-12-2009 11:07 AM

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Balladeer ~

Oooo, you're a strict teacher who wants to pull the best out of his students!!! ~ I like that! I seldom use a poetic form because I lose my natural flow of thoughts with all the do's and don'ts ~ as is apparent with this attempt at a trilonnet.

I will give it another go sometime this week. Practice make perfect! ~ Or at least makes one better! lol

I think this is fabulous what you are doing here in these workshops! Thank you for your critique.

Balladeer
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59 posted 07-12-2009 11:38 AM

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Shel...you're not the only one to feel that way. Rhymed poetry IS demanding and may not allow certain people to express what they want how they want to. For those people, free verse is the answer, although there are those who claim that good free verse employs meter, also.

Think of what you want to write about. Then decide which is the best form for you. There are topics that just will not work with the right impact in structured poetry. I, along with many here, have written free verse when we knew instinctively that rhyming would not give it the impact we needed. At other times, one can sense a melody in what they want to write and structured poetry is the answer there, There should be no "I'm a rhymer" or "I'm a free-verser". Each poem should dictate how it should be written.

By all means, bring in a poem that you would like to see meter applied to, and we will work on it together!

Earth Angel, it is really a pleasure seeing you here and I know you will do just fine. You have the skills, no doubt there. We just need to kick the tires and change the oil...no problem!

Earth Angel
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60 posted 07-12-2009 11:55 AM

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I'm baaack! ~ hopefully with an improved rendition. It may not be perfect but I'm determined to work on it until it meets with your approval, Dear Teach!

Here goes! Bombs away!

When Day Is Done

Each night before I fall asleep,
I thank the Mother, God, and Son.
~ As angels stand on guard o�er me.

I rest in peace in angel keep,
~ From set of moon to rise of sun.
And sail across a cosmic sea.

Across my bed white woollies leap.
I want to join them in their fun.
~ But I must rest and let them be.

I lie quite still. ~ Make not a peep.
I fear the lambs will up and run.
In dreams I�ll fly up high and free.

I�m blanketed by starry skies
As Sandman sprinkles dust in eyes

LLD

[This message has been edited by Earth Angel (07-14-2009 01:30 AM).]

Oklahoma Rose
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62 posted 07-12-2009 02:26 PM

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Well, Earthy Angel, sorry about that. I'm not beyond admitting, being wrong. Seems I am wrong, more than right. Hmmmm! That needs to be fixed. My friend, the Balladeer is the BEST. So, you must listen to him. He will never steer you wrong.

I need to get mine done. Real soon!

brneyedgrly
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65 posted 07-12-2009 09:08 PM

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~here's mine...be nice

.
today�s the day she�ll say �I do�,
she slips her arms into her gown,
and pats the veil upon her head,

it�s something borrowed, something blue,
a wedding rite that she was shown
to keep her luck, her sister said,

it�s something old and something new,
each beaded jewel has been sewn,
she sees her groom just up ahead,

a special day for just those two,
to have and hold, to love and own,
and all those reasons that one weds,

he slips the ring upon her finger,
and plants a kiss he knows will linger�

.
~thanks, shel

brneyedgrly
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68 posted 07-12-2009 09:17 PM

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thanks, lovely linda...

i am envious of how yours flowed so effortlessly...i worked the whole day on mine!

~~patiently waiting for grade~~

Balladeer
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69 posted 07-12-2009 11:07 PM

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Your work paid off, miss. I tried to find something wrong and...no cigar! It is ideal and flows like honey....gold star in the mail!

brneyedgrly
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71 posted 07-12-2009 11:32 PM

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balladeer...

~whew!~  i was kickin' myself all day for taking this challenge on, but there was no way i was going to quit...

i don't know how you all do it but i just made lists of rhyming words and picked a topic and tried to make it work...this was the third topic i tried.  i REALLY struggled with this!  it almost took the fun out of my writing process, only because it was foreign to me...but i am not sorry that i kept at it because i did learn about meter!

i really liked what you said about letting the poem dictate the form...i will now listen more closely to my words

and you also made me feel better about being a free~verser

i guess we do all have different poetic sieves that let things run out in different ways...

from now on, i will probably stick to challenges that allow my free~verse participation...

thank you so much for all of your guidance and comments, mr balladeer...i'm sendin' you an apple in the mail!

and a kiss!

~shellie

don't wait for the storms to end~
learn how to dance in the rain

brneyedgrly
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72 posted 07-12-2009 11:37 PM

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~alison...

thanks so much for making me

feel welcome here

this is great!

you do so well at all this...like a mini~balladeer lol well...at least teacher's pet

you go girly!

~shel

Balladeer
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73 posted 07-12-2009 11:51 PM

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it almost took the fun out of my writing process

I understand, believe me. When I was younger, I was quite a pool hustler. My little brother idolized that part of me and asked me to teach him how to gt good at it so I started with the spin, the angles, the english, and the little things necessary to be good at it. After a while, he said "I don't want to bother with all that stuff. I just want to play good!"

Thank God you're not like my little brother

Write on!

brneyedgrly
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74 posted 07-12-2009 11:59 PM

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~hilarious...i too tried to be schooled at pool and when faced with all that english and spin and stuff, i gave up and now i just use some sixth sense, line up the shot and bust loose...lol

kind of like my poetry

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