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 Moderated by: Nan, Balladeer   (Admins )

 
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Passions in Poetry

Try a Trilonnet!

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Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


25 posted 07-03-2009 08:45 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Yes, Bridget, you should quit....quit thinking that you have a problem with meter!

Your assignment is perfect..every accent in the right place with no deviation at all. Nicely done....and good to see you!
Bridget Shenachie
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since 01-23-2002
Posts 1077
Kansas USA


26 posted 07-03-2009 09:18 PM       View Profile for Bridget Shenachie   Email Bridget Shenachie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bridget Shenachie

Thanks, Balladeer.  The truth is that I was concentrating so much on meter that my message was totally inane. Very kind of you to respond and I will be overjoyed when I finally bring message and meter together.

You are much appreciated, kind sir.  Stay well!

Bridget Shenachie
rachaelfuchsberger
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27 posted 07-04-2009 01:27 PM       View Profile for rachaelfuchsberger   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rachaelfuchsberger

I am absolutely determined to get this meter thing down....maybe the third time's the charm.

P.S. Rose, I think I've made a big fool of myself here. Maybe we can share the title of class clown?



Arana Darkwolf
rachaelfuchsberger
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28 posted 07-04-2009 03:54 PM       View Profile for rachaelfuchsberger   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rachaelfuchsberger

Ok, Sir Balladeer. I have made a third attempt at a trilonnet, but it's a bit racy so I put it in "Love For Two" in the Mature section.

Arana Darkwolf

Balladeer
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29 posted 07-04-2009 07:18 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Rachel, I have copied your poem here because I do not consider it too mature or offensive for the workshop and it will more useful as a learning tool here.

Into your hands my soul awakes
Your touch it takes my innocence
I melt into your love so rough

My body quivers and it shakes
Each corded muscle becomes tense
Under your hands so gently gruff

Now all reason my mind forsakes
As I prepare for love intense
‘Till I can only say “enough”

And all the will I possess breaks
I beg “don’t keep me in suspense”
I need your hands so gently rough

And I can only beg and ask you “please”
“Fulfill the hunger only you can ease”


Well, Rachel, we are getting closer! Let's go line by line, shall we?

inTO your HANDS my SOUL aWAKES.........perfect iambic...good line!
your TOUCH it TAKES my INnoCENCE.........perfect iambic but you had to stick that "it" in there to get it. That's called fudging
i MELT inTO your LOVE so ROUGH..............perfect iambic again!

my BOdy QUIVers AND it SHAKES..............perfect iambic. You're on a roll!
each CORded MUScle beCOMES TENSE.....oops! You have two unaccented syllables together followed by two accented ones!
UNder your HANDS so GENtly GRUFF..........oops! You began with an accented syllable which put the next two unaccented ones together.

NOW all REAson my MIND forSAKES...........oops! Another trochaic beginning and two unaccented syllable together.
as I prePARE for LOVE inTENSE..................perfect iambic just in time!
till I can ONly SAY e NOUGH........................and perfect once more.

and ALL the WILL i posESS BREAKS...........oops! Back to two unaccented and two accented ones together.
i BEG don't KEEP me  IN susPENSE............OK, good. Back to iambic..
i NEED your HANDS so GENtly ROUGH........atta girl. Excellent!

and  I can ONly BEG and ASK you PLEASE....yep...perfect
fulFILL the HUNger ONly YOU can EASE.......you nailed it here. Very nice!

Let me redo it in perfect iambic and perhaps you will be able to see the difference...

Into your hands my soul awakes
Your touch removes my innocence.
I melt into your love so rough.

My body quivers and it shakes
Each corded muscle growing tense
Beneath your hands so gently gruff.

All reason now my mind forsakes
As I prepare for love intense
Till I can only say enough.

The will that I possess now breaks.
I beg, "Don't keep me in suspense!"
"I need your hands so gently rough".

And I can only beg and ask you please
Fulfill the hunger only you can ease.

Look or the changes I made and figure out why I made them. Many times it's simply rearranging words that makes the difference.  Best to you!!!!


rachaelfuchsberger
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30 posted 07-04-2009 07:51 PM       View Profile for rachaelfuchsberger   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rachaelfuchsberger

Thank you, dear Sir! It's making more sense to me slowly. Count syllables, count stresses and when all else fails....fudge it! LOL It's the stresses I seem to be struggling with the most. But it gives me something to work with.

Arana Darkwolf

Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
Posts 1585
Oklahoma USA


31 posted 07-04-2009 11:12 PM       View Profile for Oklahoma Rose   Email Oklahoma Rose   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Oklahoma Rose

Rachaelfuchsberger, looks like you are doing alot better than I am. Better, leave the class clown title for me. You did a great job. You go girl!
rachaelfuchsberger
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since 02-21-2007
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32 posted 07-05-2009 12:40 PM       View Profile for rachaelfuchsberger   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rachaelfuchsberger

Thanks, Rose. I still didn't get it completely on my own. I shall conquer meter yet! Muahahahahahahahaha.

Oops....my evil is showing!

Arana Darkwolf

Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


33 posted 07-06-2009 03:21 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Touch Magic


Spruce branches block intrusive light
while shadows sway in empty space
creating magic in the air.

Butterflies dance into the night
as silk worms tat their strands of lace
and sing songs of a princess fair.

Lavender kisses polished bright
gracefully land on fairy’s face
offering love - so much to share.

Such wonders aren’t that hard to find;
they grow and live within our minds.


Alison
Balladeer
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34 posted 07-06-2009 09:50 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Very nice, Alison! The meter breaks down in a couple of places but it still reads very nicely. You have a bit of a magic touch yourself!
Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


35 posted 07-06-2009 09:53 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Okay, gonna go back and try to correct it.

Thank you lots.

A
Alison
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36 posted 07-06-2009 10:24 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

This is how I read it, Balladeer.  I did make a few changes in the text.

--

Touch Magic


Spruce branches block intrusive light
while shadows blanket empty space
creating magic in the air.

Hibiscus dance into the night
as silk worms tat long spider lace
and chant songs of a princess fair.

Lavender kisses painted bright
gracefully teasing fairy’s face
offering hope - so much to share.

Such wonders are not hard to find;
they grow to live within our minds.


Alison
Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
Posts 1585
Oklahoma USA


37 posted 07-06-2009 10:42 PM       View Profile for Oklahoma Rose   Email Oklahoma Rose   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Oklahoma Rose

Well, look at you Alison! You go girl!
Balladeer
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38 posted 07-06-2009 10:48 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

good that you got rid of the butterflies
Now, convince me that these words are pronounced..

la-VEN-der
grace-FUL-ly
of-FER-ing

and I'll concede. Good luck!
Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


39 posted 07-06-2009 11:03 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

It's my world?

laughs .. .okay, I am on it.

Thanks, darling Rose.

A
Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


40 posted 07-06-2009 11:14 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Touch Magic


Spruce branches block intrusive light
while shadows blanket empty space
creating magic in the air.

Hibiscus dance into the night
as silk worms tat long spider lace
and chant songs of a princess fair.

Sporadic kisses painted bright
enchanting touch on fairy’s face
delivers hope - so much to share.

These wonders are not hard to find;
they grow to live within our minds.


Alison
Balladeer
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41 posted 07-06-2009 11:19 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

NOW you got your sealskin sneakers on straight!

Perfection, Alison
Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


42 posted 07-06-2009 11:20 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Thank you, dear Teacher.

xoxoxo
A
Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
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Oklahoma USA


43 posted 07-08-2009 06:47 PM       View Profile for Oklahoma Rose   Email Oklahoma Rose   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Oklahoma Rose

Hey Balladeer, don't give up on me, yet. I am still working on the Trilonnet. I know I am just too darn slow. But, I am working on it. Okay?
Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
Posts 1585
Oklahoma USA


44 posted 07-08-2009 06:51 PM       View Profile for Oklahoma Rose   Email Oklahoma Rose   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Oklahoma Rose

One more thing! I am so far behind, I don't know if I will ever catch up.
Balladeer
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45 posted 07-09-2009 12:24 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

DOn't worry, Rose. You''l catch up...I have faith in you!
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


46 posted 07-09-2009 08:59 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

The Noise of Life

Each night before the dance of moon,
she rights her thoughts to only one,
awaiting voiced what need be heard.

Though dark that blinds may come too soon,
her dreams appear before its done
till sleep arrives, again transferred

Into a stage of hold, his tune
protects her from each day's begun,
when noise of life becomes the blurred

That endless flow, each year in June
when age continues on its run,
emotions wishing, wants deterred...


To fill the heart with silence of:
Embrace the new, and feel one's love.


M
Balladeer
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47 posted 07-09-2009 09:12 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Ah, Maureen, such a special touch you put into your words. No way I can ever stump you....unless I require a happy poem!

Beautiful work, once again
nakdthoughts
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Posts 19275
Between the Lines


48 posted 07-09-2009 09:24 PM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

hmmmm and I thought that was a happy one


M
Earth Angel
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Realms of Light


49 posted 07-11-2009 09:33 PM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Earth Angel's Home Page   View IP for Earth Angel

Hello, all! I've been enjoying reading the poems that have been produced from these workshops so I thought I'd drop by and give a Trilonnet a try. I opted to do the first rhyme scheme.

As Sun Does Set

I lay me down, my head to sleep,
as sun does set when day is done.
The angels stand on guard o’er me.

I rest in peace in angel keep,
~ From set of moon to rise of sun.
And sail across a cosmic sea.

White lambs, across my bed do leap.
I want to join them in their fun.
~ But I must rest and let them be.

I lie quite still. ~ Make not a peep,
for fear the lambs, away, will run.
In dreams I’ll fly up high and free.

Bright stars do blanket ebon skies,
As Sandman sprinkles dust in eyes.

 
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