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Try a Trilonnet!

Balladeer
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

25 posted 07-03-2009 08:45 PM

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Yes, Bridget, you should quit....quit thinking that you have a problem with meter!

Your assignment is perfect..every accent in the right place with no deviation at all. Nicely done....and good to see you!

Bridget Shenachie
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since 01-23-2002
Posts 1032
Kansas USA

26 posted 07-03-2009 09:18 PM

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Thanks, Balladeer. The truth is that I was concentrating so much on meter that my message was totally inane. Very kind of you to respond and I will be overjoyed when I finally bring message and meter together.

You are much appreciated, kind sir. Stay well!

Bridget Shenachie

rachaelfuchsberger
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since 02-21-2007
Posts 294
Las Vegas, NV, USA

27 posted 07-04-2009 01:27 PM

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I am absolutely determined to get this meter thing down....maybe the third time's the charm.

P.S. Rose, I think I've made a big fool of myself here. Maybe we can share the title of class clown?

Arana Darkwolf

rachaelfuchsberger
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since 02-21-2007
Posts 294
Las Vegas, NV, USA

28 posted 07-04-2009 03:54 PM

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Ok, Sir Balladeer. I have made a third attempt at a trilonnet, but it's a bit racy so I put it in "Love For Two" in the Mature section.

Arana Darkwolf

Balladeer
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

29 posted 07-04-2009 07:18 PM

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Rachel, I have copied your poem here because I do not consider it too mature or offensive for the workshop and it will more useful as a learning tool here.

Into your hands my soul awakes
Your touch it takes my innocence
I melt into your love so rough

My body quivers and it shakes
Each corded muscle becomes tense
Under your hands so gently gruff

Now all reason my mind forsakes
As I prepare for love intense
�Till I can only say �enough�

And all the will I possess breaks
I beg �don�t keep me in suspense�
I need your hands so gently rough

And I can only beg and ask you �please�
�Fulfill the hunger only you can ease�

Well, Rachel, we are getting closer! Let's go line by line, shall we?

inTO your HANDS my SOUL aWAKES.........perfect iambic...good line!
your TOUCH it TAKES my INnoCENCE.........perfect iambic but you had to stick that "it" in there to get it. That's called fudging

i MELT inTO your LOVE so ROUGH..............perfect iambic again!

my BOdy QUIVers AND it SHAKES..............perfect iambic. You're on a roll!
each CORded MUScle beCOMES TENSE.....oops! You have two unaccented syllables together followed by two accented ones!
UNder your HANDS so GENtly GRUFF..........oops! You began with an accented syllable which put the next two unaccented ones together.

NOW all REAson my MIND forSAKES...........oops! Another trochaic beginning and two unaccented syllable together.
as I prePARE for LOVE inTENSE..................perfect iambic just in time!
till I can ONly SAY e NOUGH........................and perfect once more.

and ALL the WILL i posESS BREAKS...........oops! Back to two unaccented and two accented ones together.
i BEG don't KEEP me  IN susPENSE............OK, good. Back to iambic..
i NEED your HANDS so GENtly ROUGH........atta girl. Excellent!

and  I can ONly BEG and ASK you PLEASE....yep...perfect
fulFILL the HUNger ONly YOU can EASE.......you nailed it here. Very nice!

Let me redo it in perfect iambic and perhaps you will be able to see the difference...

Into your hands my soul awakes
Your touch removes my innocence.
I melt into your love so rough.

My body quivers and it shakes
Each corded muscle growing tense
Beneath your hands so gently gruff.

All reason now my mind forsakes
As I prepare for love intense
Till I can only say enough.

The will that I possess now breaks.
I beg, "Don't keep me in suspense!"
"I need your hands so gently rough".

And I can only beg and ask you please
Fulfill the hunger only you can ease.

Look or the changes I made and figure out why I made them. Many times it's simply rearranging words that makes the difference.  Best to you!!!!

rachaelfuchsberger
Member
since 02-21-2007
Posts 294
Las Vegas, NV, USA

30 posted 07-04-2009 07:51 PM

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Thank you, dear Sir! It's making more sense to me slowly. Count syllables, count stresses and when all else fails....fudge it! LOL It's the stresses I seem to be struggling with the most. But it gives me something to work with.

Arana Darkwolf

Oklahoma Rose
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since 02-28-2008
Posts 1309
Oklahoma USA

31 posted 07-04-2009 11:12 PM

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Rachaelfuchsberger, looks like you are doing alot better than I am. Better, leave the class clown title for me. You did a great job. You go girl!

rachaelfuchsberger
Member
since 02-21-2007
Posts 294
Las Vegas, NV, USA

32 posted 07-05-2009 12:40 PM

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Thanks, Rose. I still didn't get it completely on my own. I shall conquer meter yet! Muahahahahahahahaha.

Oops....my evil is showing!

Arana Darkwolf

Alison

Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5331
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

33 posted 07-06-2009 03:21 AM

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Touch Magic

Spruce branches block intrusive light
while shadows sway in empty space
creating magic in the air.

Butterflies dance into the night
as silk worms tat their strands of lace
and sing songs of a princess fair.

Lavender kisses polished bright
gracefully land on fairy�s face
offering love - so much to share.

Such wonders aren�t that hard to find;
they grow and live within our minds.

Alison

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

34 posted 07-06-2009 09:50 PM

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Very nice, Alison! The meter breaks down in a couple of places but it still reads very nicely. You have a bit of a magic touch yourself!

Alison

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Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5331
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

35 posted 07-06-2009 09:53 PM

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Okay, gonna go back and try to correct it.

Thank you lots.

A

Alison

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since 01-27-2008
Posts 5331
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

36 posted 07-06-2009 10:24 PM

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This is how I read it, Balladeer. I did make a few changes in the text.

--

Touch Magic

Spruce branches block intrusive light
while shadows blanket empty space
creating magic in the air.

Hibiscus dance into the night
as silk worms tat long spider lace
and chant songs of a princess fair.

Lavender kisses painted bright
gracefully teasing fairy�s face
offering hope - so much to share.

Such wonders are not hard to find;
they grow to live within our minds.

Alison

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member
since 02-28-2008
Posts 1309
Oklahoma USA

37 posted 07-06-2009 10:42 PM

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Well, look at you Alison! You go girl!

Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21405
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

38 posted 07-06-2009 10:48 PM

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good that you got rid of the butterflies

Now, convince me that these words are pronounced..

la-VEN-der
grace-FUL-ly
of-FER-ing

and I'll concede. Good luck!

Alison

Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5331
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

39 posted 07-06-2009 11:03 PM

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It's my world?

laughs .. .okay, I am on it.

Thanks, darling Rose.

A

Alison

Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5331
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

40 posted 07-06-2009 11:14 PM

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Touch Magic

Spruce branches block intrusive light
while shadows blanket empty space
creating magic in the air.

Hibiscus dance into the night
as silk worms tat long spider lace
and chant songs of a princess fair.

Sporadic kisses painted bright
enchanting touch on fairy�s face
delivers hope - so much to share.

These wonders are not hard to find;
they grow to live within our minds.

Alison

Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21405
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

41 posted 07-06-2009 11:19 PM

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NOW you got your sealskin sneakers on straight!

Perfection, Alison

Alison

Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5331
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

42 posted 07-06-2009 11:20 PM

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Thank you, dear Teacher.

xoxoxo
A

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member
since 02-28-2008
Posts 1309
Oklahoma USA

43 posted 07-08-2009 06:47 PM

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Hey Balladeer, don't give up on me, yet. I am still working on the Trilonnet. I know I am just too darn slow. But, I am working on it. Okay?

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member
since 02-28-2008
Posts 1309
Oklahoma USA

44 posted 07-08-2009 06:51 PM

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One more thing! I am so far behind, I don't know if I will ever catch up.

Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21405
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

45 posted 07-09-2009 12:24 AM

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DOn't worry, Rose. You''l catch up...I have faith in you!

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 18136
Between the Lines

46 posted 07-09-2009 08:59 AM

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The Noise of Life

Each night before the dance of moon,
she rights her thoughts to only one,
awaiting voiced what need be heard.

Though dark that blinds may come too soon,
her dreams appear before its done
till sleep arrives, again transferred

Into a stage of hold, his tune
protects her from each day's begun,
when noise of life becomes the blurred

That endless flow, each year in June
when age continues on its run,
emotions wishing, wants deterred...

To fill the heart with silence of:
Embrace the new, and feel one's love.

M

Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21405
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

47 posted 07-09-2009 09:12 PM

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Ah, Maureen, such a special touch you put into your words. No way I can ever stump you....unless I require a happy poem!

Beautiful work, once again

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 18136
Between the Lines

48 posted 07-09-2009 09:24 PM

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hmmmm and I thought that was a happy one

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 08-27-2002
Posts 39560
Realms of Light

49 posted 07-11-2009 09:33 PM

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Hello, all! I've been enjoying reading the poems that have been produced from these workshops so I thought I'd drop by and give a Trilonnet a try. I opted to do the first rhyme scheme.

As Sun Does Set

I lay me down, my head to sleep,
as sun does set when day is done.
The angels stand on guard o�er me.

I rest in peace in angel keep,
~ From set of moon to rise of sun.
And sail across a cosmic sea.

White lambs, across my bed do leap.
I want to join them in their fun.
~ But I must rest and let them be.

I lie quite still. ~ Make not a peep,
for fear the lambs, away, will run.
In dreams I�ll fly up high and free.

Bright stars do blanket ebon skies,
As Sandman sprinkles dust in eyes.

All times are ET (US)


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