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A Villanelle: Come With Me To This Island In The Sea
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A Villanelle: Come With Me To This Island In The Sea |
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Johan Member
since 2009-05-13
Posts 88Lincolnshire, England U.K. |
Come With Me To This Island In The Sea Tears of stone shed by ancient mountains bones The curving shore for all good men to see From storming seas and flooding rip tides free This island of white stone only Neptune owns Come with me to this island in the sea Stand alone on these broken cliffs, that be From pounding of the sea, the broken stones The curving shore for all good men to see Portland's sheltered stony bay, in the lee This island and her Pulpit Rock that groans Come with me to this island in the sea Steer your ship towards the Bill's lightning tree Sail safe to the bay from the wind that roams The curving shore for all good men to see Come all God's seamen, pray, come walk with me Find a peace from King Neptune's unholy moans Come with me to this island in the sea The curving shore for all good men to see. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Andrew Shiston - All Rights Reserved | |||
Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Johan, Welcome to PiP! What an entrance you have made - I can't wait to read more of your poetry. This is an outstanding poem - you wrapped me around each line, wishing I had written it. I am still working on the Villanelle assignment and you have inspired me Thank you. Alison |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
I really enjoyed reading this, Johan. I read it more than once, always an indication that a poem has intrigued me. I find your imagery and technical use of poetic tools (enjambment in particular) to be quite effective. I do tend to prefer consistent meter, and yours reads as combined iambic and trochaic, but I surely acknowledge that to be a personal choice. Overall, this poem is a real keeper..  Welcome to Passions in Poetry..  Nan's Morsels Writers' Blog |
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Johan Member
since 2009-05-13
Posts 88Lincolnshire, England U.K. |
Many thanks for your comments. Johan |
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Heart2Heart Senior Member
since 2009-05-15
Posts 738Scotland/Norway |
Well, you would certainly know about the sea Johan! And who else to write a picture perfect Villanelle! Heart2Heart |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I wish you had posted this in Open, for I had the perfect "first email" card to send to you; but as this is in a workshop, the best I can do, Sir, is Welcome you Warmly to Passions, and hope to read more, soon! |
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Bailey Junior Member
since 2010-04-09
Posts 12Georgia, US |
This is amazing!! How do you write like this? I tried my first villanelle today and it is nothing so good as this! Bailey |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hello, Johan. Welcome to the workshop. This forum is to follow the assignments given with regards to different lessons, not to post poems that are not connected to a specific assignment. Be that as it may, the poem has received several replies so I will leave it here. The software indicates it is your "first post" and yet your record shows 88 originating posts so perhaps Ron can shed some light on that. At any rate, your profile states you do not want critiques on your work but this posted in a forum that is run by critiques so you will get one. You followed the scheme of the villanelle very nicely. With the exception of the middle line in the second stanza you got the syllable counts right. As Nan pointed out however, there is an inconsistency in the meter, changing from trochaic to iambic to anapestic in several places, which takes away from the fluidity of the piece. If you are able to come up with a consistent meter, you will find that it will flow much better. In the line "Steer your ship toward the Bill's lightning tree", what exactly does Bill refer to? If it is a specific person, then I don't understand why you say "the Bill's". Perhaps it has a different meaning? Thanks again for the post and we hope to see you in the workshop in the future. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I enjoyed the dark ambiance of this one. The rhyming was a bit forced in your third stanza. I feel like I have to read it as "Stand alone on these broken cliffs, that be The meter was off in a few places too. "This island of white stone only Neptune owns" is a good example. Still though meter can get in the way if you try to stick to it too closely. One of the cool things about this poem is the ever-present connection between curving and carving. You never actually use the word "carving" but you connect the curved shore with the battering from the winds and rocks and that leaves me with the image not only of a curved shore but a carved one as well. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I am so glad you have joined the site Andrew, as I have read a lot of your work on PoemHunter. Nice to know I can read it here now, welcome. |
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