A Villanelle: Come With Me To This Island In The Sea

Johan
Member
since 05-13-2009
[First Post] 88
Lincolnshire, England U.K.

0 posted 05-13-2009 07:03 AM

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Come With Me To This Island In The Sea
Tears of stone shed by ancient mountains bones
The curving shore for all good men to see

From storming seas and flooding rip tides free
This island of white stone only Neptune owns
Come with me to this island in the sea

Stand alone on these broken cliffs, that be
From pounding of the sea, the broken stones
The curving shore for all good men to see

Portland's sheltered stony bay, in the lee
This island and her Pulpit Rock that groans
Come with me to this island in the sea

Steer your ship towards the Bill's lightning tree
Sail safe to the bay from the wind that roams
The curving shore for all good men to see

Come all God's seamen, pray, come walk with me
Find a peace from King Neptune's unholy moans
Come with me to this island in the sea
The curving shore for all good men to see.

Alison

Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 6244
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

1 posted 05-13-2009 08:26 PM

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Johan,

Welcome to PiP! What an entrance you have made - I can't wait to read more of your poetry. This is an outstanding poem - you wrapped me around each line, wishing I had written it.

I am still working on the Villanelle assignment and you have inspired me

Thank you.

Alison

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 05-20-99
Posts 24143
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

2 posted 05-13-2009 10:22 PM

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I really enjoyed reading this, Johan. I read it more than once, always an indication that a poem has intrigued me.

I find your imagery and technical use of poetic tools (enjambment in particular) to be quite effective.

I do tend to prefer consistent meter, and yours reads as combined iambic and trochaic, but I surely acknowledge that to be a personal choice.

Overall, this poem is a real keeper..

Welcome to Passions in Poetry..

Nan's Morsels Writers' Blog

Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 64216
Listening to every heart

5 posted 05-15-2009 10:09 PM

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I wish you had posted this in Open,
for I had the perfect "first email" card
to send to you; but as this is in a workshop,
the best I can do, Sir, is
Welcome you Warmly to Passions,
and hope to read more, soon!

Bailey
Junior Member
since 04-09-2010
Posts 11
Georgia, US

6 posted 04-09-2010 02:10 PM

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This is amazing!! How do you write like this? I tried my first villanelle today and it is nothing so good as this!

Bailey

Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 22843
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

7 posted 04-09-2010 11:45 PM

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Hello, Johan. Welcome to the workshop. This forum is to follow the assignments given with regards to different lessons, not to post poems that are not connected to a specific assignment. Be that as it may, the poem has received several replies so I will leave it here. The software indicates it is your "first post" and yet your record shows 88 originating posts so perhaps Ron can shed some light on that. At any rate, your profile states you do not want critiques on your work but this posted in a forum that is run by critiques so you will get one.

You followed the scheme of the villanelle very nicely. With the exception of the middle line in the second stanza you got the syllable counts right. As Nan pointed out however, there is an inconsistency in the meter, changing from trochaic to iambic to anapestic in several places, which takes away from the fluidity of the piece. If you are able to come up with a consistent meter, you will find that it will flow much better. In the line "Steer your ship toward the Bill's lightning tree", what exactly does Bill refer to? If it is a specific person, then I don't understand why you say "the Bill's". Perhaps it has a different meaning?

Thanks again for the post and we hope to see you in the workshop in the future.

fractal007
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since 06-01-2000
Posts 2014

8 posted 04-10-2010 12:13 AM $View Profile for fractal007$

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I enjoyed the dark ambiance of this one.  The rhyming was a bit forced in your third stanza.  I feel like I have to read it as "Stand alone on these broken cliffs, that be from pounding of the sea."

The meter was off in a few places too.  "This island of white stone only Neptune owns" is a good example.  Still though meter can get in the way if you try to stick to it too closely.

One of the cool things about this poem is the ever-present connection between curving and carving.  You never actually use the word "carving" but you connect the curved shore with the battering from the winds and rocks and that leaves me with the image not only of a curved shore but a carved one as well.

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