Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21426
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
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22 posted 06-26-2009 12:42 PM
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Ok, then, HAZARD...
In the first place, the rhyme of your two main lines is not a good rhyme. When you have a multi-syllable word you want to rhyme with, the position of the accented syllable is exact. Your multi-syllable word is fireflies. The accent is on the first syllable...FIREflies..therefore the rhyme on the corresponding line must also be on the second to the last syllable, which it is not. Sorry if that sounds complicated. Let me explain it another way,,
carry - marry -> here are two two syllable words with the accent on the first syllable...CARry and MARry. Good rhyme.
carry - marie -> here is a word with the accent on the first syllable but the second word has the accent on the last syllable ...CARry and maRIE. Bad rhyme.
How you manipulate the accent is important. Widow and window is a bad rhyme all because of the accent placement.
Moving on, the construction on a villanelle needs to be fairly exact to maintain the flow of the lines. The three lines of your first stanza begin with a (1) trochee, (2) anapest and (3) trochee. Now, if you were to follow that construction throughout the poem, that would be fine but, unfortunately, you don't. The middle line of your second stanza begins with a trochee, middle line of the third stanza is iambic, the fourth is trochaic, along woth the fifth and sixth. So, in your middle lines, you have anapestic, trochaic, iambic, trochaic, trochaic and trochaic. The first lines of each stanza are trochaic, trochaic, iambic, trochaic, trochaic, trochaic.
So you can see that you are not that far off! The variance, however, hurts the flow of the poem and creates a choppiness in the lines.
Then we have the syllable counts, very important in villanelles. With regards to your two important lines, the ones that get repeated, you have 10 syllables in the first and 12 in the other. Unacceptable, I'm afraid. In the middle lines the syllable counts are as follows -> ..11-10-9-11-10-10. All of these things together hurt the quality of the poem. If you will look at Suncleaver's poem, you will find the exact number of syllables in every line and you will see every line begin iambic and every carry the iambic throughout the line. You will clearly see how easy it is to read and how perfectly the lines flow. THAT is what one tries to achieve.
As I said, you are not that far off. With a little tweaking, you could get the syllable counts right and even the iambs, trochees and anapests straightened out. With the unacceptable rhyme of lie and fireflies, though, I don't think it would be worth the effort. I would really like for you to try again and incorporate these thoughts. That you are talented is obvious after reading your posts in the Open forum. Structure can give anybody fits...ask Alison! 
Thanks for submitting it and giving it a try. I look forward to your next attempt!
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