Let the Triples Roll On!!!

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Let the Triples Roll On!!!

Alison

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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

25 posted 06-27-2009 02:31 PM

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HAZARD,

I still struggle, but I have learned a lot in this Workshop. Welcome to the boards - I think you will have fun here. Well, it wasn't always fun for me. I spilled tears, but the rewards make those tears worthwhile.

Alison

HAZARD
Junior Member
since 06-24-2009
Posts 40
ENGLAND

26 posted 06-28-2009 10:07 AM

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Spent some time today and yesterday looking at meter and syllable. There are some interesting Villanelle's in Sylvia plath's work, for example.

I soon came to the conclusion that to write one simple, perfectly formed example would be best - that is, before experimenting with the type...  Plath uses - BTW - 'Leans and Thirteens' in her repeating lines for 'Domesday'. But it's deliberate, as far as I can work out after examining the echoes and meter variants.
But am new to this.

My 'Lies and Fireflies' was not deliberate!! There's no denial!

I got waylaid from a simple-yet-perfect form and ended up with Paranoia! (Literal literature here!) Which is rather a complex poem,  with internal rhymes/ homophones etc. I'm hoping  the 2nd lines have the same distinct meter! First and third the same.

Yeats gave me the longer line varient. I liked the endless galloping feel - found in Brownings 'How They Brought the Good News from Ghent to Aix' And Tennysons '600' - and with the title wanted something a little breathless and inescapable. You can hear Tennyson read his'600' on the Poetry Archive  (Eddison's wax disk!) Incredible. Hence to my three sets of four syllabic beats.

See what you think Mr B.

Paranoia

The knives are out � I�m on the rack, nowhere to run.
Head full of pills, I�m a cut-throat blade.
Ill whispers fly, sweat burns my eyes, a haunted son.

A distant shout � I�m dead tonight, was born to shun.
A force inside, I�m in zero shade.
The knives are out � I�m on the rack, nowhere to run.

The searing doubt � I�m sick with fright, a loaded gun.
Heart stopping dread � I�m the devil�s trade.
Ill whispers fly, sweat burns my eyes, a haunted son.

A life in draught � I�m desert blown, scorched by sun
A brief respite, I�m no better made.
The knives are out � I�m on the rack, nowhere to run.

The fatal bouts  � I�m hung each day, skullduggery done.
Hell�s Jobe elect � I�m cursed and betrayed.
Ill whispers fly, sweat burns my eyes, a haunted son.

Me; foul lies clout � I�m reasons whip, pitied for fun.
Me; shriven lout � I�m a holy cade.
The knives are out � I�m on the rack, nowhere to run.
Ill whispers fly, sweat burns my eyes, a haunted son.

[This message has been edited by HAZARD (06-28-2009 11:50 AM).]

rachaelfuchsberger
Member
since 02-21-2007
Posts 297
Las Vegas, NV, USA

27 posted 06-29-2009 04:15 PM

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Ok....so I'm not sure if it makes sense, and I may have reached a bit with the rhyming, but here's my go at it:

Feeling Your Presence Gone

There I sat alone
On a crowded floor
Feeling your presence gone

Your light once brightly shone
When you walked through the door
There I sat alone

Feeling you to the marrow of my bone
Needing you to my core
Feeling your presence gone

Though through you I�ve grown
Finally able to be mature
There I sat alone

Missing your vocal tone
Feeling of myself a bit unsure
Feeling your presence gone

So now I�m lying prone
Feeling poor
I moan and groan
Feeling your presence gone

Arana Darkwolf

rachaelfuchsberger
Member
since 02-21-2007
Posts 297
Las Vegas, NV, USA

28 posted 06-29-2009 04:26 PM

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oops! double posted! Didn't see it 'cause it was on page 2..sorry!

Arana Darkwolf

[This message has been edited by rachaelfuchsberger (06-30-2009 04:06 PM).]

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 21426
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

29 posted 06-30-2009 08:01 PM

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Hi, HAZARD!

Yes, Plath used leans and thirteens in her villanelle and it was perfectly correct since the accent was right, with the accents being in the right place...LEANS and thirTEENS. Also, in her Denouement Villanelle. she uses aWAY and SAY...equally correct.

Your villanelle is excellent. I confess I've never seen it done that way, since most villanelles use the 8 or 10 syllables but there is no set rule to that and you do it brilliantly. Your first and third lines are perfect iambic and your middle lines are divided between iambic and anapestic with a closing accented syllable.....very nice. If I were to be nit-picky (which the whole world knows I am NOT

) I would point out that the middle line in the 5th stanza deviates by beginning the second half of the line with an iamb instead of an anapest, which causes the line to be one syllable short, but why quibble? I'm very impressed by this work and by the speed in which you corrected everything that was incorrect in your first attempt. You are a quick study, sir.

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 21426
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

30 posted 06-30-2009 08:11 PM

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Rachel, you made a fine effort. The theme of the poem has a very touching flavor and feeling to it.

What you will have to do, though, is pay attention to the syllable counts and the accents used (iambic, trochaic, anapestic, etc). That may be a lot of studying if you are unfamiliar with them but you can find lessons on each one in the topics of this forum.

Also, remember that, in a villanelle, the first and third lines of the first stanza must be the third and fourth lines of the last stanza.

I appreciate you effort and your willingness to do what it takes to make your work as good as it can be. it's good to have you here

rachaelfuchsberger
Member
since 02-21-2007
Posts 297
Las Vegas, NV, USA

31 posted 06-30-2009 09:08 PM

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Feeling Your Presence Gone

There I sat alone
On a crowded floor
Feeling your presence gone

Your light once brightly shone
When you walked through the door
There I sat alone

Feeling you to the marrow of my bone
Needing you to my core
Feeling your presence gone

Though through you I�ve grown
Finally able to be mature
There I sat alone

Missing your vocal tone
Feeling of myself a bit unsure
Feeling your presence gone

I moan and groan
Feeling poor
There I sat alone
Feeling your presence gone

Thank you, Sir. I've corrected the mistake in the last stanza as far as the last two lines not being the first and third of the first stanza....now I'm off to figure out meter. Rhyme I've got. I'm struggling with meter, though. ~slinks off to find the workshops on meter~

Arana Darkwolf

HAZARD
Junior Member
since 06-24-2009
Posts 40
ENGLAND

32 posted 07-01-2009 04:31 PM

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I certainly do not pretend to know it all after a short study period, but I needed to be set straight. Your analysis is more advanced than mine, and that's why I'm here. Where else can I get amazing tuition for the price of good will? I have been writing for some time. I'm in my prime, as I like to think.

I'll post this one for aesthetic review... And share.
I'll try another too, that purity still eludes me. You cannot call a Pidgeon a Dove! Lol

Once again man thanks for your time.
H

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 21426
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

33 posted 07-01-2009 05:05 PM

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The price of good will? You didn't read about the annual fees??? Oh, well, guess I'll have to give you a free pass, then. Name a child after me and we'll call it even

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member
since 02-28-2008
Posts 1312
Oklahoma USA

34 posted 07-02-2009 11:27 PM

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I think you know that the Villanelle is one of my most favorite forms. This, and the sonnet. Although, I haven't wrote many of either. Or, maybe I should say havent't attempted to write many of either. I figure if I ever learn the meter, I will then be able to write the Villanelle and Sonnet with ease. The problem is in learning the meter. Actually, I think my favorite is the Villanelle. Then, the Sonnet. Oh, how I wish I could learn the meter.
Now for a topic!

[This message has been edited by Oklahoma Rose (07-03-2009 02:53 PM).]

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 08-27-2002
Posts 39606
Realms of Light

35 posted 07-13-2009 03:11 AM

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I know I'm late getting on the villanelle bandwagon, but here is my 'attempt' at writing one. I found this EXTREMELY difficult to write. I had nary a hair on my head after writing it!

God's Light

I wake each day to see the sun so bright,
Then plant the seeds of joy that they might grow.
I sleep in peace as moonbeams light the night.

My day is done. ~ I tried to do what's right,
Took care, for I shall reap as I did sow.
I wake each day to see the sun so bright.

For all is well in God's embrace of Light.
As is above, may we be blessed below.
I sleep in peace as moonbeams light the night.

Gold rays of love, they wash away the fright.
The pain, the doubt ~ away they all do go.
I wake each day to see the sun so bright.

The skies are clear with no dark clouds in sight.
Both day and night, God's love fills up my soul.
I sleep in peace as moonbeams light the night.

Bask in the glow of God's eternal Light.
Let go, let God, enjoy life's ebb and flow.
I wake each day to see the sun so bright.
I sleep in peace as moonbeams light the night.

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 21426
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

36 posted 07-13-2009 05:21 PM

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Ah, Angel..if you lived closer I would spank you, whether you liked it or not!

You have painted a moustache on the Mona Lisa. You have drawn graffiti on The Last Supper. You have come up with a beautiful poem with some fantastic lines and then killed it with laziness.

I wake each day to see the sun so bright,

How bright is that? So bright it blinded me? Ok. So bright it was beautiful? Ok. But just so bright? I can picture a first-grader saying, "Mommy, this morning I saw the sun so bright!" but I can't picture an adult saying it. Have YOU ever said it to someone? Unlikely.

Took care, for I shall reap as I did sow.
The pain, the doubt ~ away they all do go.

We discussed your "do"'s before but apprently I didn't make it clear enough. Those lines are horrible because you inserted do's to keep the meter and the rhyme instead of taking the time to figure out a way to say the same thing in a proper way.

The only reason I'm being hard on you is because I love the poem. It's a poem for people to read and get a wonderful feeling. Instead, with these sins you employed, the beauty of the poem is lost and one walks away disappointed with the construction inadequacies you employed.

You are better than that.....

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 39606
Realms of Light

37 posted 07-13-2009 05:41 PM

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My dear Teach, I do believe that you are the only one who can chastize me and make me laugh at the same time! Your sense of humour cracks me up.

I wrote this 'ville from hell' a few years ago and I never attempted another one because I darn near went bald pulling my hair out during the process. I was not satisfied with it but I thought a learned task master such as yourself would be of some help ~ which you are. So, it's back to the writing/drawing board for me. This time I will be pulling out the eyelashes on my baby blues as I am bald from my last experience.

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 08-27-2002
Posts 39606
Realms of Light

38 posted 07-13-2009 06:45 PM

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Well, I may be a glutton for punishment, but I'm back for more of your critical thinking!

God's Eternal Light

Each morn I wake in light of sunshine bright,
and plant the seeds of joy that they might grow.
I sleep in peace as moonbeams light the night.

Each wrong I�ve done, I plan to make it right.
~ For I shall reap the seeds I plant and sow.
Each morn I wake in light of sunshine bright.

For all is well in God's embrace of Light.
As is Above, may we be blessed below.
I sleep in peace as moonbeams light the night.

Gold rays of love cast out my days of night.
God guides my oars as steady forth I row.
Each morn I wake in light of sunshine bright.

The skies are clear with no dark clouds in sight.
Both day and night, God's love fills up my soul.
I sleep in peace as moonbeams light the night.

Bask in the glow of God's eternal Light.
Let go, let God ~ enjoy life's ebb and flow.
Each morn I wake in light of sunshine bright.
I sleep in peace as moonbeams light the night.

LLD

[This message has been edited by Earth Angel (07-14-2009 01:27 AM).]

Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21426
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

39 posted 07-13-2009 06:59 PM

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You have re-earned your angel hair! This is brilliant. The moustache is gone!

Now was that so hard without the do-wop?

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 08-27-2002
Posts 39606
Realms of Light

40 posted 07-13-2009 07:27 PM

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Thank you, Teacher. Hopefully the "do-wop" will be goneforever ~ but bad habits die hard and they have a tendency of creeping back up on we imperfect humans (I'm not really an angel. lol), so please keep your eagle-eye on me!

I appreciate your help. Thanks, again!

LL

Alison

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Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5335
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

41 posted 07-14-2009 12:52 AM

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quote:
(I'm not really an angel. lol)

No way! Say it ain't so! Next you are gonna say that there ain't no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny! For shame!

Of course, you are an angel. I am

'cause I do believe. I do!

Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 39606
Realms of Light

42 posted 07-14-2009 01:05 AM

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Alison, gawd, you are so flippin' cute! That was downright hilarious! (pssst. come close. I REALLY AM an angel but my halo is held up by tiny little horns.)

LL

Alison

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Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5335
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

43 posted 07-14-2009 01:28 AM

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Some guys really dig horny angels. K, I am done writing graffiti in this thread. Next thing you know, I am gonna have to clean something (like our minds).

A

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

44 posted 07-14-2009 09:27 AM

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Consider your teach at the top of that list!...and I think the moose is not far behind

Alison

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Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5335
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

45 posted 07-14-2009 09:57 AM

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Yeah, but the Moose might have an advantage - they are known to be horny too.

Ya'll know that moose have horns and not antlers, right? Cause if you don't - that little joke just fell flat.

Balladeer
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Member Seraphic
since 06-05-99
Posts 21426
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

46 posted 07-14-2009 10:00 AM

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Yep, even us non-Alaskans know that, smarty-pants!

Your joke is well noted...and clever

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 08-27-2002
Posts 39606
Realms of Light

47 posted 07-14-2009 10:11 AM

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My word! You just made me realize that Moose and Deer have horns! Huge horns! (Angel quivers)~ And Moose must be the horniest beast of all!!!

Oh, but they are in the ersine family of animals and are vegetarians ~ they don't eat meat! Whew!

Alison

Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 01-27-2008
Posts 5335
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

48 posted 07-14-2009 10:11 AM

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Some of you do. Lots of you don't - those are the ones who come up here and ask what time we turn on the Northern Lights.

June - it's best to see them in the daylight.

Okay, off to work.

A

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 08-27-2002
Posts 39606
Realms of Light

49 posted 09-08-2009 01:59 AM

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Balladeer, I hope your are recuperating and regaining your strength. Please rest and heal before returning to the workshop.
I am submitting another 'French vanilla' for your critque but not before you are ready to get back in the teaching saddle again. Be well, deer friend and teacher!

Go Forth in Truth (Villanelle)

Go forth in truth and bear not false facade
~ Lest ye incur the wrath of those you scorn.
Stand in the loving Light of Father God.

There be no shadows dark on hallowed sod.
Be meek ~ act not as to the manor born.
Go forth in truth and bear not false facade.

Be mindful of the soil on which ye trod
~ That it be strewn with rose ~ not prickly thorn.
Stand in the loving Light of Father God.

He�ll guide you on your path with Lighted rod.
Fear not travails ~ ye need not be forlorn.
Go forth in truth and bear not false facade.

Though hills be steep ~ hang onto Balustrade
~ For He won�t let you fall nor fleece be shorn.
Stand in the loving Light of Father God.

Give thanks for His avail thru� prayer and laud.
With grateful heart, rise ev�ry blessed morn.
Go forth in truth and bear not false facade.
Stand in the loving Light of Father God.

LLD

[This message has been edited by Earth Angel (09-08-2009 10:47 AM).]

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