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An exercise
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An exercise |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA 
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Ok, let's do a few little things to get the gray matter mattering. First off, I want a poem consisting of two six-line stanzas with the rhyme scheme of a-b-c-b-d-b. If you want an example of this rhyme scheme you can look up a poem that is a horrible example of of meter and flow and which yet is considered an American classic - The Village Blacksmith by Longfellow. Now, in this creation I want the rhyming lines of the first stanza to be male rhymes and the rhyming lines of the second stanza to be female rhymes. My students better know what that means and, for others, look it up. Have fun!  |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: Can't do it - mine all have PMT. ~ducks~  |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
To write a poem of gals and guys and follow form and meter too takes more than you may realise if you would make those words ring true it might take you a bunch of tries but guys have one and gals have two But one, two, what? I hear you mutter such clues can often be quite vexing they're syllables that rhyme, you nutter not body parts that deal with sexing just keep your mind out of the gutter now write your own,'cuz that's the next thing |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Moose, it's not about sex?!?  You sure now how to burst my bubble. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Alison, Lol @ your reply, now let's get crackin'. Doc |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
It seems I’ve long been stranded on an isle, A cyclops colony, where Circe rules; Freed from Calypso’s bonds I sail away As per old customs, on the boat of fools That rids world citizens of cankerous Poor rejects duly written off by schools. While most will proudly sail on mainstream rivers I’ll take a humble raft and drift on stygian Brooks, snaking down the cliffs to fill the seas. A heart to worship all that’s callipygian, A loaf of bread, some wine, they’re all I need To live contented and without religion. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
That Moose is quite the academic creature. He always goes beyond what I may ask. He manages to one-up our poor teacher No matter what the challenge or the task. Ideas that his mind creates to feature Show talent that his humbleness can't mask. If I were a psychiatrist or such I'd call the man a real over-achiever No lesson or assignment is too much His mind rolls on as busy as a beaver. Saludos to your fine poetic touch And to your skill as one darn fine word-weaver. in other words....I liked it |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Can I play?  Me Lady A slow young whelp in dusty trousers, Sweept floors in the old country store. He pushed his broom round bins and browsers And glanced at the sign on the door. The stove that ringed worn out nonrousers, had lifted his gaze from the floor.... In walked a girl so genteel and sweet, On tooshie swayed bustle too dainty, Her hair was tressed in curls so neat, That nothing seemed more less malady. He bowed to her smile, offered his greet And dreamed for the hand of his lady. turtle Me Lady A slow young whelp in dusty trousers, Sweept floors in the old country store. He pushed his broom round bins and browsers And glanced at the sign on the door. The stove that ringed burned out nonrousers, had lifted his gaze from the floor.... In walked a girl so spry and sweet, The sway of her bustle was heady. Her hair was tressed and waved so neat, That nothing could more please this laddie He smiled and bowed, Then spoke his greet And dreamed for the hand of his lady. [This message has been edited by turtle (03-11-2009 07:33 PM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Nicely done,Marc Andre.. The second to the last line in the first stanza killed the meter for me with it's choppiness and deviation but, otherwise, a very enjoyable read |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Nice, wholesome story, Turtle,but I'm afraid you have female problems  Your three female rhymes are dainty - malady - lady. First of all, dainty does not rhyme with the other two. Second, the correct pronounciation is MA-la-day, accent on first syllable, which makes it not rhyme with the others. When one uses female rhymes, the rhyming words must have the same accented syllables. case in point---> below and widow do not rhyme, based on where the accents are places. Third, if you are going to use 3-syllable female rhyming words, if the last two syllables are the same then the third (or leading) syllable must also rhyme---> beautiful - dutiful. You are combining "too dainty", "malady" and "his lady" as your three female rhymes...won't make it. It's enough to make one hysterectomical! |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Quote: I'm afraid you have female problems Balladeer this is not news  Thanks Balladeer, regardless of how overbearing I my seem, I love to learn and being self-taught I know there is much I've missed......Pigheaded does not an idiot make.....I hope. I have edited my post and posted it below the original. I am using slant rhymes as the first rhymed syllable of the three two syllable female end rhymes I've choosen...I think that's ok. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Feminine Rhyme is a rhyme that occurs in a final unstressed syllable: pleasure/leisure, longing/yearning. William Shakespeare used feminine rhymes in Sonnet number 20. Sonnet 20 - A woman's face with nature's own hand by William Shakespeare A woman's face with Nature's own hand painted Hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion; A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted With shifting change, as is false women's fashion; The key word in masculine and feminine rhyme is...rhyme. HOWEVER, slant rhyme is widely regarded as rhyme, regardless of how I feel about it, so I accept your excellent revision - beside, you didn't slant TOO much |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Thanks for the feedback, Balladeer. I agree that lines scans a little too heavily, and yep, I guess "choppy" is a good word. Will try to rework it when I find a minute, I've got quite a few (poetic) projects going on. I'm glad you're back with assignments Mark |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Old Man behind Bars His fingers tremble as he is cuffed to the wall Once vivid eyes have lightly faded to soft blue As if they were scrubbed dim by the tears that don’t fall In silent longing begging for family news The betrayal of his acts are simply too tall And he realizes he has lost the life he once knew His children now shun his very existence As if to deny their emotions are churning Alone at night they will weep for their father And dream of the man they looked up to with yearning They mourn that their children will not know him While blinking back the unshed tears that are burning One thing he now remembers is the sun light And how it colored the sky’s early dawn He misses sun even more than the moon light The rays sparkling diamond dew on his lawn For now he lives in a small cell with no light Those simple pleasures of his life are long gone -- Alison |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hi,Alison! You got the rhymes right. Now work on the meter |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
(mutters that I knew I'd be back.) Yep, Yep, oh wise one. You gotta have one slow learner to keep your teaching credentials! |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Old Man behind Bars His fingers tremble as he’s cuffed to a cold wall Once vivid eyes have lightly faded to soft blue They’re scoured dim from bitter tears that can’t fall In silent longing asking for some family news But his deeds proved too great, betrayal far from small He knows he’s lost the life and love he always knew His bereft children now shun his sad existence As if to deny dammed emotions are churning At night, in silence they will weep for their father And dream of a man they looked up to with yearning They’ll mourn that his grandchildren won’t know him And blink the unshed tears from eyes that are burning In darkness he now dreams of brightly warmed sun light And how it colored morning sky’s early dawn He misses noon sun even more than shadowed moon light The rays that sparkle drops of dew on luscious lawns Now yearning to see out of a cell with no light His payment is to exchange pleasure for his wrongs - Alison |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Alison, I'm going to take a shot at this and try to show where I think your meter varies. Below is how I would read this piece. As you can see, some of the stresses fall on words that are not normally stressed when we speak, and the third and forth lines do not end accented as they do in the first and second lines. I hope this helps. Doc His FIN/gers TREM/ble AS /he’s CUFFED /to A /cold WALL Once VIV/id EYES /have LIGHT/ly FA/ded TO /soft BLUE They’re SCOUR/ed DIM /from BIT/ter TEARS/ that CAN'T/ fall In SI/lent LONG/ing ASK/ing FOR /some FAM/iLY/ news But HIS/ deeds PROVED /too GREAT,/ beTRAY/al FAR /from SMALL He KNOWS/ he’s LOST/ the LIFE/ and LOVE /he AL/ways KNEW Your first two lines are in iambic hexameter with six beats to the line. Your third line varies but could easily be fixed by losing the contraction on "can't". The fourth line works if you add a contraction to "fam'ly" which would throw the stress back on the end word "news". Lines 5&6 return to Iambic hexameter. I added the line breaks and emphasis to help show how I would read this piece. Once again I hope this is of some assistance. Doc |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Thank you, DrMoose. Honestly, I am feeling pretty inept right now. My forehead is flat from beating it against the wall so often. This has helped though. I'll go outside, kick a few trees, yell at a few moose (kidding) and try again. A |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
mutters - I am working on it and will repost another draft (in case someone decides to help - they may as well wait) Never say die, right? |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Old Man behind Bars His fingers tremble as he’s cuffed to a hooked wall Once vivid eyes have begun to fade softer blue They’re scoured dim from unwept tears that cannot fall In silent longing asking for family news The deeds are too great, his betrayal is not small He’s lost the life and loving that he always knew Despondent children spurn all his apologies They try to deny that emotions remain churning The darkness brings the suppressed, yet pained memories Now cries fill their dreams with continuous yearning Thoughts dwell on his life’s demise, such a tragedy They blink the unshed tears from eyes that are burning In darkness he now dreams of brightly warmed sun light How morning splashes vibrant colors over dawn He longs for sun more than shades of the moon light Those rays which wash the sparkling dew drops over lawns Now craving to see from a cell with no day light He exchanged life to become an indulgent pawn |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Alison, the meter still doesn't make it but I think your main problem is that you use too many words, or too many non-essential words. It's hard to maintain a good rhythm like that. You wind up putting in too many unstressed syllables together, like in "TREM-ble as he's CUFFED" or "SI-lent LONG-ing ASK-ing for FAM-i-ly NEWS". On the other hand, you also place accented syllables together, like in "re-MAIN CHURN-ing". "PAINED MEM-or-ies"., "CRIES FILL", "THOUGHTS DWELL", dew-DROPS O-ver LAWNS. My suggestion would be to do some "tightening up" the lines with the elimination of unnecessary words that don't add anything. Let's try it and see..... His fingers tremble, hands cuffed to the wall. Once vivid eyes now faded softer blue, Scoured dim from unwept tears that cannot fall In silent longing for some family news The deeds too great, betrayal is not small He's lost the life and loving he once knew. Try that line of thought with the second stanza......... |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Okay, I am on it, hoss ... errr, I mean boss. What you say makes sense. A |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Okay .. I read your first line and got the idea (I think) of where you were going. I didn't read the other lines because I wanted to do it myself - I don't mean to sound ungrateful (it's just the baby of the family thing coming out in me - yes, I am the baby of five children) .. so here's my rewrite. I like it better than my last. --- Old Man out of Tune His fingers tremble, hands cuffed to the wall Once vivid eyes fade to watery blue Eyes blurry, unshed tears still cannot fall Beseeching, he asks for family news Betrayal so great, no telephone calls All he once had now gone, everything's new For his family spurns his apologies They deny that emotions are churning Dark invites pain from the memories Dreams are fueled by hopes which bring yearning Molestation became his legacy Hells waiting for him, fires are burning But he day dreams of warm, soft, sweet sun light As morning casts its colors upon dawn He misses sunshine more than the moon light And rays that sparkle dew drops on the lawn For he lives in a cell that has no light His story is a cliché country song [This message has been edited by Alison (03-15-2009 04:21 AM).] |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Alison, no one is slower than me. And, here we go with that meter thing, again. I am not even about to attempt this, one. Two thousand and twenty will be here, before I ever get the meter. LOL! But, I'll be around to read all of yours. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Sue, Thank you for the encouragemnt. I keep thinking this meter stuff will click, but so far, I just put my feet in my mouth. grins.. xoxoxo A |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Alison, I hope I truly am encouraging. You are a wonderful poet, and do so well on all the challenges. And Balladeer is one of the best, and most patient teachers, I know. Believe me, I know. No matter how bad I do, he still continues to encourage me to keep trying. Whether he thinks I'll ever get it or not. LOL! He doesn't let me know. He is the BEST! Maybe, if my time will allow me (a heavy work schedule), I will join you with this after all. But, that darn meter is so hard. I have faith in you. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Thanks, darlin'. We can muddle through this together. A |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Dear Balladeer, teacher sir, couldn't you have made it just a little bit easier? Ummm, you know how much trouble I have with those meters. Couldn't you have just said male and famale rhymes? I'm stressing now. Do you know how long I have been trying to get this meter thing? |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
His fingers tremble, hands cuffed to the wall....................................................10............u-a-u-a-u-a-u-a-u-a Once vivid eyes fade to watery blue................................................................10............u-a-u-a-a-u-a-u-u-a Eyes blurry, unshed tears still cannot fall........................................................10............u-a-u-u-a-a-u-a-u-a Beseeching, he asks for family news...............................................................10............u-a-u-u-a-u-a-u-u-a Betrayal so great, no telephone calls............................................................10............u-a-u-u-a-u-a-u-a-a All he once had now gone, everything's new..................................................10............u-a-u-a-u-a-a-o-o-a For his family spurns his apologies..................................................................11............u-u-a-u-u-a-u-u-a-u-a They deny that emotions are churning..............................................................10............u-u-a-u-u-a-u-u-a-u Dark invites pain from the memories...............................................................9.............a-u-a-a-u-u-a-u-a Dreams are fueled by hopes which bring yearning..................... ................9..............a-u-a-u-a-u-a-a-u Molestation became his legacy........................................................................10.............a-u-a-u-u-a-u-a-u-a Hells waiting for him, fires are burning............................................................9..............a-a-u-u-a-a-u-a-u But he day dreams of warm, soft, sweet sun light.......................................10.............u-u-a-a-u-a-a-a-a-u As morning casts its colors upon dawn.............................................................10.............u-a-u-a-u-a-u-a-u-a He misses sunshine more than the moon light..................................................10.............u-a-u-a-u-a-u-u-a-u And rays that sparkle dew drops on the lawn....................................................10.............u-a-u-a-u-a-u-a-u-a For he lives in a cell that has no light.................................................................10.............u-u-a-u-u-a-u-a-u-a His story is a cliché country song.....................................................................10.............u-a-u-u-u-u-a-a-u-a Sorry...it still doesn't work. You are still using too many spondees (two stressed syllables together) and the syllable counts are off and the rhythm is not there... Spondees are in bold.The numbers to the right of the lines are the syllable counts. Next to them shows the phonetic construction of the line (u=unaccented syllable - a=accented syllable) back to the drawing board. miss........ |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Okey Dokey. I am sorry that I such a slow learner. Thanks for not giving up on me. Alison |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Me thinks perhaps all work no play has made the classroom less than fun I understand it takes hard work to get the "Deers" assignments done but blarney it's St. Paddys' day I brought green beer let's all have one Yo Alison the bar is open put down that pen and grab a bottle you need a break from all that thinkin' your mind's been goin' 'bout full throttle hey barmaid keep the Guiness comin' relax there "Ducks" and through it waddle In order to complete a task sometimes it's best to take a break here have a nip out o' me flask 'tis guaranteed to cure the shakes prescribed by wee folk should ye ask a bit o' this is all she takes Let's drink a toast to both the teachers I'm runnin' out o' rhymes so "squidding" to Balladeer and all his patience providing we all do his bidding and Nan who's still there on the sidelines She"NAN"igans aside no kidding |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well said, Irish moose!   |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
How did you know that I fretted over this all night? I am notwearing Green today. I am hoping for some of those pinches to bring roses to my cheeks! Moose, a toast to Balladeer and Nan ~ and to you for bringing a smile to my face this early morning! Hugs and prosterier pinches, A |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Alison, Balladeer never gives up on anyone. Not even me. If anyone gives up on me, it's me. I've yet to find something to write about. I'm trying! I don't want to let you down, like I did the Balladeer! Maybe he is a little upset with me, you think? I never did get the christmas challenge done. Oh how I hate being a let down. You think he will ever forgive me? |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Hey, you won't let me down. I don't think you let Balladeer down either. He might get discouraged by the lack of participation - and my continuous backsliding in meter and stuff. All we can do is do this for ourselves and do it at a pace that works for us. Honestly, I want to quit right now. But know what? I need to do this for me. I need to understand. I might not write this way often, but I want to know that I am making the choice not to. I don't want it to be because I can't. Know what I mean? Balladeer, thank you for helping me through this. Alison |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Well,, I am glad to hear that, Alison. Yes, I do know what you mean. Me, not ever wanting to give in to defeat, never gives up. I just can't always get things done at the time they are suppose to be done. And, I felt so bad, when I didn't get the Christmas assignment done. The meter thing is something I have been trying to get forever, it seems. And, Balladeer has always been there ready and willing to help me. But, with the kind of work I do, I haven't had a lot of time to do any fun things. I keep trying to tell them at work, that all work and no play doesn't let me have much of a life. Hey, I just had a thought! Maybe I could get a note from the Balladeer to give to my boss stating that I have to have some play time. LOL! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Sue, I'll give you any note you need! Ladies, don't ever worry about me giving up on you or anyone. Just the fact that you are here showing a desire to participate is enough for me to stick with you to the end. Things are easier for some than for others, just a fact of life but you aren't done until you give up. Don't give up on trying and I'll never give up on you....you're stuck with me! |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
You're the BESTEST, Balladeer! Thank you for all your help. Now, is this meter suppose to be 4 feet, or 5 feet? |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Balladeer, I think I got this cleaned up quite a bit. I have counted syllables, looked up stresses, and worked on lines I thought were weak or cliche. I am sure this is still in working form, but I am going to post it for your review. Thanks for hanging in with me. A --- Old Man out of Tune Gnarled fingers tremble, hands cuffed to the wall Once vivid eyes now pale, watery blue He realizes truth, no friends will call Demeanor timid as he waits for news A shroud of silence casts its death-like pall Remorse has settled as his panic brews His children’s trust destroyed with deepened fractures Denying bruised emotions constant churning In web of darkness, old memories captured Nocturnal dreams ensnared; they’re born from yearning A minuscule respite, their minds enraptured Then morning offers heartache’s painful burning His dreams are kisses drifting by sun light As morning casts its colors over dawn He misses sunshine more than bright moon light And rays that sparkle dew drops on the lawn Residing within cells that have no light Remembers love received - forever gone Alison [This message has been edited by Alison (03-22-2009 06:54 AM).] |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Mr. Balladeer, I wanted this to show on the dailies so you have a better chance of seeing there's been an addition to the thread. Thank you, Me |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like for you to gather 'round and see what desire, determination and perserverance can accomplish. Alison, this is wonderful work. Your meter and rhythm is axcellent as is every part of the construction of this poem. I am beyond pleased. I know it was hard for you to grasp at times but you kept at it and have created an excellent piece of work. I'm sure you can see the difference between your first draft and this one....night and day. Forget the gold star....platinum is in order!  |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
:Alison does the yippe happy dance: Thank you for teaching me. I know I'll keep back-sliding and going forward, but I think I am slowly grasping this. Alison |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
I'm impressed. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Thank you. I wouldn't be progressing without Balladeer. A |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I'm impressed too Alison. Handling different types of rhyme is something I find hard. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Alison, You are to be commended for both your efforts and the results. With all my clowning around I try to make this look easy, but alot of times it is not. I've probably been at this for 15 years or so now and I've had the advantage of being born with four feet ( as a moose that makes the toe tapping a little easier ). Excellent job. Doc |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Wow! Congardulations Alison! I knew you would get it! I'm still working on mine. But, won't be near as good as you. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
MB, Doc. and Sue, Thank you all for the kind words. This poem was a challenge for me on many levels - and I wanted to do it right. I want to learn and I learn from all of you. Thank you again, A |
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