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Passions in Poetry

An exercise

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Balladeer
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0 posted 03-10-2009 01:35 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer


Ok, let's do a few little things to get the gray matter mattering.

First off, I want a poem consisting of two six-line stanzas with the rhyme scheme of a-b-c-b-d-b. If you want an example of this rhyme scheme you can look up a poem that is a horrible example of of meter and flow and which yet is considered an American classic - The Village Blacksmith by Longfellow.

Now, in this creation I want the rhyming lines of the first stanza to be male rhymes and the rhyming lines of the second stanza to be female rhymes. My students better know what that means and, for others, look it up.

Have fun!
moonbeam
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1 posted 03-10-2009 06:39 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam



quote:
the rhyming lines of the second stanza to be female rhymes

Can't do it - mine all have PMT. ~ducks~
Dr.Moose1
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2 posted 03-10-2009 08:42 AM       View Profile for Dr.Moose1   Email Dr.Moose1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dr.Moose1

To write a poem of gals and guys
and follow form and meter too
takes more than you may realise
if you would make those words ring true
it might take you a bunch of tries
but guys have one and gals have two

But one, two, what? I hear you mutter
such clues can often be quite vexing
they're syllables that rhyme, you nutter
not body parts that deal with sexing
just keep your mind out of the gutter
now write your own,'cuz that's the next thing
Alison
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3 posted 03-10-2009 09:44 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Moose, it's not about sex?!?



You sure now how to burst my bubble.
Dr.Moose1
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4 posted 03-10-2009 10:39 AM       View Profile for Dr.Moose1   Email Dr.Moose1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dr.Moose1

Alison,
Lol @ your reply, now let's get crackin'.
Doc
Marc-Andre
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5 posted 03-10-2009 11:30 AM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

It seems I’ve long been stranded on an isle,
A cyclops colony, where Circe rules;
Freed from Calypso’s bonds I sail away
As per old customs, on the boat of fools
That rids world citizens of cankerous
Poor rejects duly written off by schools.

While most will proudly sail on mainstream rivers
I’ll take a humble raft and drift on stygian
Brooks, snaking down the cliffs to fill the seas.
A heart to worship all that’s callipygian,
A loaf of bread, some wine, they’re all I need
To live contented and without religion.
Balladeer
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6 posted 03-10-2009 09:19 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

That Moose is quite the academic creature.
He always goes beyond what I may ask.
He manages to one-up our poor teacher
No matter what the challenge or the task.
Ideas that his mind creates to feature
Show talent that his humbleness can't mask.

If I were a psychiatrist or such
I'd call the man a real over-achiever
No lesson or assignment is too much
His mind rolls on as busy as a beaver.
Saludos to your fine poetic touch
And to your skill as one darn fine word-weaver.


in other words....I liked it  
turtle
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7 posted 03-10-2009 11:10 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Can I play?

Me Lady

A slow young whelp in dusty trousers,
Sweept floors in the old country store.
He pushed his broom round bins and browsers
And glanced at the sign on the door.
The stove that ringed worn out nonrousers,
had lifted his gaze from the floor....

In walked a girl so genteel and sweet,
On tooshie swayed bustle too dainty,
Her hair was tressed in curls so neat,
That nothing seemed more less malady.
He bowed to her smile, offered his greet
And dreamed for the hand of his lady.

turtle      


Me Lady

A slow young whelp in dusty trousers,
Sweept floors in the old country store.
He pushed his broom round bins and browsers
And glanced at the sign on the door.
The stove that ringed burned out nonrousers,
had lifted his gaze from the floor....

In walked a girl so spry and sweet,
The sway of her bustle was heady.
Her hair was tressed and waved so neat,
That nothing could more please this laddie
He smiled and bowed, Then spoke his greet
And dreamed for the hand of his lady.


[This message has been edited by turtle (03-11-2009 07:33 PM).]

Balladeer
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8 posted 03-11-2009 05:40 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Nicely done,Marc Andre.. The second to the last line in the first stanza killed the meter for me with it's choppiness and deviation but, otherwise, a  very enjoyable read
Balladeer
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9 posted 03-11-2009 05:58 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Nice, wholesome story, Turtle,but I'm afraid you have female problems

Your three female rhymes are dainty - malady - lady.

First of all, dainty does not rhyme with the other two.

Second, the correct pronounciation is MA-la-day, accent on first syllable, which makes it not rhyme with the others. When one uses female rhymes, the rhyming words must have the same accented syllables. case  in point---> below and widow do not rhyme, based on where the accents are places.

Third, if you are going to use 3-syllable female rhyming words, if the last two syllables are the same then the third (or leading) syllable must also rhyme---> beautiful - dutiful.

You are combining "too dainty", "malady" and "his lady" as your three female rhymes...won't make it.

It's enough to make one hysterectomical!
turtle
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10 posted 03-11-2009 07:34 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Quote:
I'm afraid you have female problems

Balladeer this is not news

Thanks Balladeer, regardless of how overbearing I my seem, I love to learn and being self-taught I know there is much I've missed......Pigheaded does not an idiot make.....I hope.

I have edited my post and posted it below the original. I am using slant rhymes as the first rhymed syllable of the three two syllable female end rhymes I've choosen...I think that's ok.

Balladeer
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11 posted 03-11-2009 09:22 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Feminine Rhyme is a rhyme that occurs in a final unstressed syllable: pleasure/leisure,
longing/yearning. William Shakespeare used feminine rhymes in Sonnet number 20.

Sonnet 20 - A woman's face with nature's own hand
by
William Shakespeare

A woman's face with Nature's own hand painted
Hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change, as is false women's fashion;

The key word in masculine and feminine rhyme is...rhyme. HOWEVER, slant rhyme is widely regarded as rhyme, regardless of how I feel about it, so I accept your excellent revision - beside, you didn't slant TOO much  
Marc-Andre
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12 posted 03-11-2009 11:42 PM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

Thanks for the feedback, Balladeer. I agree that lines scans a little too heavily, and yep, I guess "choppy" is a good word. Will try to rework it when I find a minute, I've got quite a few (poetic) projects going on.

I'm glad you're back with assignments

Mark
Alison
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13 posted 03-13-2009 12:41 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Old Man behind Bars


His fingers tremble as he is cuffed to the wall
Once vivid eyes have lightly faded to soft blue
As if they were scrubbed dim by the tears that don’t fall
In silent longing begging for family news
The betrayal of his acts are simply too tall
And he realizes he has lost the life he once knew

His children now shun his very existence
As if to deny their emotions are churning
Alone at night they will weep for their father
And dream of the man they looked up to with yearning
They mourn that their children will not know him
While blinking back the unshed tears that are burning

One thing he now remembers is the sun light
And how it colored the sky’s early dawn
He misses sun even more than the moon light
The rays sparkling diamond dew on his lawn
For now he lives in a small cell with no light
Those simple pleasures of his life are long gone


--

Alison
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14 posted 03-13-2009 01:01 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Hi,Alison! You got the rhymes right. Now work on the meter
Alison
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15 posted 03-13-2009 02:05 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

(mutters that I knew I'd be back.)  

Yep, Yep, oh wise one.  You gotta have one slow learner to keep your teaching credentials!

Alison
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16 posted 03-13-2009 01:07 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Old Man behind Bars


His fingers tremble as he’s cuffed to a cold wall
Once vivid eyes have lightly faded to soft blue
They’re scoured dim from bitter tears that can’t fall
In silent longing asking for some family news
But his deeds proved too great, betrayal far from small
He knows he’s lost the life and love he always knew

His bereft children now shun his sad existence
As if to deny dammed emotions are churning
At night, in silence they will weep for their father
And dream of a man they looked up to with yearning
They’ll mourn that his grandchildren won’t know him
And blink the unshed tears from eyes that are burning

In darkness he now dreams of brightly warmed sun light
And how it colored morning sky’s early dawn
He misses noon sun even more than shadowed moon light
The rays that sparkle drops of dew on luscious lawns
Now yearning to see out of a cell with no light
His payment is to exchange pleasure for his wrongs

-

Alison
Dr.Moose1
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17 posted 03-14-2009 09:40 AM       View Profile for Dr.Moose1   Email Dr.Moose1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dr.Moose1

Alison,
I'm going to take a shot at this and try to show where I think your meter varies. Below is how I would read this piece. As you can see, some of the stresses fall on words that are not normally stressed when we speak, and the third and forth lines do not end accented as they do in the first  and second lines. I hope this helps.
Doc

His FIN/gers TREM/ble AS /he’s CUFFED /to A /cold WALL
Once VIV/id EYES /have LIGHT/ly FA/ded TO /soft BLUE
They’re SCOUR/ed DIM /from BIT/ter TEARS/ that CAN'T/ fall
In SI/lent LONG/ing ASK/ing FOR /some FAM/iLY/
news
But HIS/ deeds PROVED /too GREAT,/ beTRAY/al FAR /from SMALL
He KNOWS/ he’s LOST/ the LIFE/ and LOVE /he AL/ways KNEW

Your first two lines are in iambic hexameter with six beats to the line. Your third line varies but could easily be fixed by losing the contraction on "can't". The fourth line works if you add a contraction to "fam'ly" which would throw the stress back on the end word "news". Lines 5&6 return to Iambic hexameter. I added the line breaks and emphasis to help show how
I would read this piece. Once again
I hope this is of some assistance.
Doc
Alison
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18 posted 03-14-2009 01:12 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Thank you, DrMoose.  Honestly, I am feeling pretty inept right now.  My forehead is flat from beating it against the wall so often.  This has helped though.  I'll go outside, kick a few trees, yell at a few moose (kidding) and try again.

A
Alison
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19 posted 03-14-2009 01:23 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

mutters - I am working on it and will repost another draft (in case someone decides to help - they may as well wait)

Never say die, right?

Alison
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20 posted 03-14-2009 03:51 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Old Man behind Bars


His fingers tremble as he’s cuffed to a hooked wall
Once vivid eyes have begun to fade softer blue
They’re scoured dim from unwept tears that cannot fall
In silent longing asking for family news
The deeds are too great, his betrayal is not small
He’s lost the life and loving that he always knew

Despondent children spurn all his apologies
They try to deny that emotions remain churning
The darkness brings the suppressed, yet pained memories
Now cries fill their dreams with continuous yearning
Thoughts dwell on his life’s demise, such a tragedy
They blink the unshed tears from eyes that are burning

In darkness he now dreams of brightly warmed sun light
How morning splashes vibrant colors over dawn
He longs for sun more than shades of the moon light
Those rays which wash the sparkling dew drops over lawns
Now craving to see from a cell with no day light
He exchanged life to become an indulgent pawn

Balladeer
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21 posted 03-14-2009 05:23 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Alison, the meter still doesn't make it but I think your main problem is that you use too many words, or too many non-essential words. It's hard to maintain a good rhythm like that. You wind up putting  in too many unstressed syllables together, like in "TREM-ble as he's CUFFED" or "SI-lent LONG-ing ASK-ing for FAM-i-ly NEWS". On the other hand, you also place accented syllables together, like in "re-MAIN CHURN-ing". "PAINED MEM-or-ies"., "CRIES FILL", "THOUGHTS DWELL", dew-DROPS O-ver LAWNS.

My suggestion would be to do some "tightening up" the lines with the elimination of unnecessary words that don't add anything. Let's try it and see.....

His fingers tremble, hands cuffed to the wall.
Once vivid eyes now faded softer blue,
Scoured dim from unwept tears that cannot fall
In silent longing for some family news
The deeds too great, betrayal is not small
He's lost the life and loving he once knew.

Try that line of thought with the second stanza.........
Alison
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22 posted 03-14-2009 05:47 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Okay, I am on it, hoss ... errr, I mean boss.

What you say makes sense.

A
Alison
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23 posted 03-15-2009 02:32 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Okay .. I read your first line and got the idea (I think) of where you were going.  I didn't read the other lines because I wanted to do it myself - I don't mean to sound ungrateful (it's just the baby of the family thing coming out in me - yes, I am the baby of five children) .. so here's my rewrite.  I like it better than my last.

---

Old Man out of Tune


His fingers tremble, hands cuffed to the wall
Once vivid eyes fade to watery blue
Eyes blurry, unshed tears still cannot fall
Beseeching, he asks for family news
Betrayal so great, no telephone calls
All he once had now gone, everything's new

For his family spurns his apologies
They deny that emotions are churning
Dark invites pain from the memories
Dreams are fueled by hopes which bring yearning
Molestation became his legacy
Hells waiting for him, fires are burning

But he day dreams of warm, soft, sweet sun light
As morning casts its colors upon dawn
He misses sunshine more than the moon light
And rays that sparkle dew drops on the lawn
For he lives in a cell that has no light
His story is a cliché country song

[This message has been edited by Alison (03-15-2009 04:21 AM).]

Oklahoma Rose
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24 posted 03-15-2009 10:35 PM       View Profile for Oklahoma Rose   Email Oklahoma Rose   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Oklahoma Rose

Alison, no one is slower than me. And, here we go with that meter thing, again. I am not even about to attempt this, one. Two thousand and twenty will be here, before I ever get the meter. LOL! But, I'll be around to read all of yours.
 
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