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Australia!!!

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moonbeam
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25 posted 03-23-2009 04:38 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Yes sorry Mike

Seriously though I really am working on the Aus poem, and I hope to have a shot at rhyming too, but finding it hard to write anything coherent these days.  Thanks for being forebearing.

[This message has been edited by Ron (03-23-2009 10:45 AM).]

chopsticks
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26 posted 03-24-2009 07:28 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Balladeer, this past weekend especially on Sunday I got off subject with Moonbeam. I was doing a little fence mending with the Beamer. I guess I thought Sunday usually a slow day on here that it would be OK. I apologies if I disrupted anyone’s work and absolutely assure you that it will never happen again.
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27 posted 03-24-2009 01:22 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

No problem at all, gentlemen
moonbeam
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28 posted 03-25-2009 06:26 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Uluru

I   Mai Wiyaringkupai

Finally when grandfather tried to fly
from Helvellyn they locked him up;  
asylum from himself.

II   Itjanu

We visited all spring, and in the summer
he unfurled enough to ask for escape
into back issues of the National Geographic.
My sister and I, from waiting rooms and hotel lounges,
gathered into boxes all the dazzling world
and stacked them, bursting light,
from every cardboard seam, in the corner
of his cell.  Visits now chafed our palms
on salty halyards, or saw us squinting
through a sextant at the stars.  We crisscrossed
oceans with Columbus, Drake and Frobisher
pierced the mysteries of Galapagos, hacked
through rainforest, burned our soles on sand.

III   Wanitjunkupai

A late November day, frost rimed up
the chain-link fence.  We trailed our finger tips
in the azure of a bay, as tenders from Discovery
carved civilization in prow marks on some
Antipodean beach.  And now we think of him
as home.  Antipode to his cage.  Afternoons
with scissors and Blu-Tack cutting windows
in his walls:

Rectangles of tawny desert, then abruptly
green bush, eucalyptus cathedrals, spires
of fissured rock piercing the insane
magnolia of  Surrey.  An impossible horizon
spans two feet between the night bell
and the window grille.  Above the washstand
opera pours from under tilted beaks.  Bondi on a sea
of flesh and fabric.  Across the clipboard drug chart
a double page spread: Uluru stains the order ochre
in the evening.

IV   Wari

One morning, with the steel of January air
in their lungs, they followed chaos through a tangle
of twisted mesh and a supernova
of glass, to the potting shed.  A missing
spade and mattock, a long coil of hemp.
Drag marks in the dew.  They found him
six feet down, under a thousand years
of yew.  Stripped to his boxers, brown Surrey
loam daubing his torso with Koalas,
with one hand seized on a can
of crumpled air, the other curled
in rope.  Sightless and bright
as  the south star, he abseils
for the sun.
JenniferMaxwell
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29 posted 03-27-2009 07:27 AM       View Profile for JenniferMaxwell   Email JenniferMaxwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JenniferMaxwell

Wow! This is such a great read, moonbeam! You’ve turned facts gleaned from research into a very clever and original free verse form poem.

It takes a careful read to really appreciate all the work that must have gone into writing this. The imagery is stunningly beautiful and unique - for instance “Uluru stains the order ochre in the evening.” , “a supernova of glass”, and the close - “Sightless and bright as  the south star, he abseils for the sun.” Fine poetic form indeed!

Surrey to Surrey, very clever. Wonderful poem, moonbeam, such a pleasure to read!  Thank you!
chopsticks
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30 posted 03-27-2009 07:57 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Wow! Is right. How do you do stuff like this.

I’ve culled about fifty percent of it.

Will I get it all, I don’t know.

~Object in motion~

Thank you

moonbeam
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31 posted 03-27-2009 09:09 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Thanks Jenn and Chops, you are both very kind.  It's still rather raw though I fear;  sentence fragments and some of the imagery a bit ott.  Plus I just realised that Balladeer's workshop is probably a no-go zone for FV, oh dear. (But there was nothing in the instructions for this exercise that said it had to be metrical was there?)
Balladeer
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32 posted 03-27-2009 09:28 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Right you are, moonbeam. There WAS nothing in the instructions about following a specific form. Free Verse is a form of poetry and is more than welcome under such circumstances. All I have said is that I'm not qualified to critique it.....but I AM qualified to recognize a brilliant piece of writing when I see it....and I see it here. You have taken a wealth of information about the country and incorporated it into an excellent story.

Hats off to you, sir
Grinch
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33 posted 03-27-2009 10:20 AM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


Sorry if I’m intruding.

I’m trying to give free verse a whirl, something I’ve avoided for a long time, largely due to my fear of a form that, to me, has no structured scaffold from which I can build.

I can quite happily accept Moon's poem as a brilliant example of the form but could someone explain what makes it work?

Grinch

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34 posted 03-27-2009 11:28 AM       View Profile for JenniferMaxwell   Email JenniferMaxwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JenniferMaxwell

Great idea, Grinch, discussing what makes free verse "work"! But perhaps Balladeer's Workshop isn't the place for it, maybe take it to the Alley?
moonbeam
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35 posted 03-27-2009 11:31 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Mike - thank you, and I promise to try and write something soon that you CAN critique.  

Grinch - no way!  

I'm not so immodest   as to claim it does work, it's certainly got plenty of problems.  I try to make FV "work" using all the usual techniques because I'm boring and traditional like that.  

Jenn hi - meter in FV might be a good place to start
Grinch
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36 posted 03-27-2009 03:31 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


The Alley!

OK

playing.with.crayons
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37 posted 06-16-2009 11:44 AM       View Profile for playing.with.crayons   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for playing.with.crayons

Before ...

Sweet rush and gumnuts described patterns in the sky-
grey, unfolding whispers of the Dreamtime.
A hidden hazy halcyon
of long-forgotten afternoons,
where stories, found again in an old man’s
Quaking voice, coursed through children’s memories.

And sparks flew, spitfires in the dead of night,
Rediscovering lines and colours, reviving
Lonely ancestral spirits, to bring them back
to Earth.

Children were taught of birds and trees, the spirit
of the wind.
Footsteps made by people were in tandem with the rest.
Sleep was sweet, broken only
By the laughter of the birds, a promise
to the sun,
made an age ago.

Now ...
They lie on stained sidewalks; voices that once
Spoke to the wind, fall silent on ashen ears.

“Nothing but a crazy nunga!”

They held keys to forgotten places
where the Dreaming began.
Before the children cried for mothers lost, and
Freedom was no longer a possession they could claim.

Sorry is not enough.

Before long, they will see.
A stolen Dreamtime waits for them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lacking in any real imagery, I am aware  
nighty night.
Balladeer
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38 posted 06-16-2009 09:04 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Don't be so hard on yourself, crayon. You have some good lines there and it has flavor. Thanks for the participation!
playing.with.crayons
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39 posted 06-16-2009 10:49 PM       View Profile for playing.with.crayons   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for playing.with.crayons

I think the flavour mostly comes from my indignation! I'm aussie and unhappy with the social inequity still running rampant here.

And I was so impressed with Moonbeam's response, what a fantastic way to capture history and poetry and tie them so exquisitely together.

Uh oh. I said exquisite. Cold shower time!!
~~Cheye
 
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