Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
Sunshine, commas are very rarely used in either haikus or tankas. In fact, I've never seen one. Yes, you do have a fixation with them because you want the reader to hesitate where you want them to, but it's normally unnecessary. As it states in the definition...Usually, each line consists of one image or idea; unlike English poetry, one does not seek to "wrap" lines in tanka, though in the best tanka the five lines often flow seamlessly into one thought.
In the tanka you presented here, the commas really don't need to be there. Get over being commatose!!!
Moose...a good tanka with a good message. Nicely presented..