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Balladeer
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0 posted 2008-08-19 11:54 PM



Tanka time,lads and lassies!

The Japanese tanka is very precise. It is a poem depicting some deep though or message, comprised of five lines containing 31 syllables, arranged as 5-7-5-7-7.

Fortunately, the American tanka is less strict, still using 5 lines but the syllable counts can be more flexible and may contain less than 31 syllables. The important thing, though, is that a deep thought or message still must be displayed. An example..?

Halloween--
             Infant Batman
             in my arms
             barely aware of this world
             that needs saving

                     ~by Laura Maffei

So tanka me already!!!!!

© Copyright 2008 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved
JenniferMaxwell
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1 posted 2008-08-20 06:25 AM


Excellent choice, Balladeer - no meter, no feet to worry about.  

moonlight rimes
the abandoned beach
where once we loved
a harbor bell
tolls despondency


Sunshine
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2 posted 2008-08-20 09:58 AM



div>

JenniferMaxwell
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3 posted 2008-08-20 10:31 AM



That's simply gorgeous, Sunshine, and your pivot line, sheer perfection!


Alison
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4 posted 2008-08-20 11:12 AM


Ladies,

My day has begun with the beauty of your poems.  I'll be driving to work muttering word combinations and, once again, people will stare and marvel at my insanity.

Yep, another commute, another poetic thought is born.

xoxoxo
A

Balladeer
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5 posted 2008-08-20 07:23 PM


Jenn, that is a very touching piece, creating a sad, melancholy mood that perfectly fits your wording.

Sunshine, what can I say? That's a magnificent presentation in all ways...beautiful.

Sunshine
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6 posted 2008-08-21 04:13 PM


I did have a question on Tankas, and for that fact, Haiku and Senryu as well. I seem to have a problem leaving out commas, as I believe they help administer to the tone of the piece. But I rarely see commas in others' works. Am I doing this wrong?
Dr.Moose1
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7 posted 2008-08-21 07:46 PM


Appreciation
at times takes different forms
(one being humor)
expressing ones' gratitude
in an edgier manner.

Balladeer
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8 posted 2008-08-21 11:06 PM


Sunshine, commas are very rarely used in either haikus or tankas. In fact, I've never seen one. Yes, you do have a fixation with them because you want the reader to hesitate where you want them to, but it's normally unnecessary. As it states in the definition...Usually, each line consists of one image or idea; unlike English poetry, one does not seek to "wrap" lines in tanka, though in the best tanka the five lines often flow seamlessly into one thought.

In the tanka you presented here, the commas really don't need to be there. Get over being commatose!!!

Moose...a good tanka with a good message. Nicely presented..

Marge Tindal
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9 posted 2008-08-22 12:57 PM



I came in to enjoy the classwork~
Indeed all of the Tankas are lovely~

Karilea~
That is just real purtimous~

Bal~
You definitely got my giggle-schmiggle going with your 'commatose'

*________________________________________*

Life, with each breath drawn
Gifted from my Lord above
Wounded, not broken
Seemingly more precious now
I give thanks for the gifting~

*________________________________________*


  Hello classmates~
  It has been awhile since I've attended class,
  but I found some poetic chalk for this assignment~
  I have been following the progress here,
  and wish to give a hand of to you all~
  Also want to extend a to the teacher~
  I hope to return and get Doc Moose to clean erasers~
  Now where is the way to the playground?
  I've got a merry-go-round calling me~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email -               noles1@totcon.com

Sunshine
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10 posted 2008-08-22 10:00 AM


No Commas.



White Snow

Slender tracks in snow
white hare listening in pause
hawk wings silently
sun hovers hidden this morn
death comes swift in sound of scree


Balladeer
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11 posted 2008-08-22 10:18 AM


No commas but you do have a pause in there!

This is great, Sunshine. After getting the full meaning of the piece, it struck hard, almost like viewing the painting of Guernica.

Of course, to get the full meaning, I confess I had to look up the word scree, which led me to work up the word detritus, which completed painting the picture you describe. Thank you for enriching my vocabulary.

Balladeer
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12 posted 2008-08-22 10:24 AM


Marge....about time you got back to class!!! We haven't had a clean eraser since you left!

and, of course, you come back in style with an excellent tanka. Good to see you once again. Now stop all that health business and stick around!


Alison
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13 posted 2008-08-22 11:17 AM


Yay!

Marge is comin' back and I won't have to clean erasers this time.  Ha to Moose!

A

Alison
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14 posted 2008-08-22 11:23 AM


bitter scent of fall


sharp serrated air
breathes under cloudless blue sky
decomposition
of leaves and ripe cranberries
creates an acrid perfume.

---

Alison

Sunshine
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15 posted 2008-08-22 11:55 AM


Although hard to find in any dictionary, the word "scree" was also meant to be used as the sound the hawk makes. But you'd probably have to live in the midwest to hear it.
Alison
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16 posted 2008-08-22 01:00 PM


Balladeer,

You look really nice in that dress that you wore to reply to Marge's Tanka, but I think the hairdo is a bit severe for you.  You are pretty in pink though!



A

Dr.Moose1
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17 posted 2008-08-23 10:59 PM


Hey, how come I gots to clean erasers again?
That ain't fair Marge, but it will be a pleasure to see you again on the playground.
Doc

Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!
18 posted 2008-08-23 11:21 PM


ididtheeraserslasttime!

Marc-Andre
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19 posted 2008-12-23 12:33 PM


Pink cherry blossoms,
When beauty of spring arrives,
And the firm bosoms
Of misses and of young wives:
Carpe diem, they won’t last.

ken206573
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20 posted 2008-12-29 05:28 PM


during the rainstorm

raining in winter
clashing of thunder, lightening
wind howls until dawn
my heart beats in silent
waiting for you to come home
i hope its fine with you Balladeer


Oklahoma Rose
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21 posted 2008-12-30 04:15 PM


Hiya Balladeer! Here is my attempt at a tanka.

Remembering you
And the warm tender embrace
Causes a flutter
Deep within my waiting heart
Wanting even more from you




Balladeer
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22 posted 2008-12-30 11:57 PM


Not bad, Marc!!

The only nitpick I have is that line 5 throws me off with the three short feet together "ses and of"...but that's just me


Ken....

Nice effort! You paint a vivid picture with your lines.

Only nitpick is (yes, I have them   ) is that lightning is misspelled and the fourth line is missing a syllable. Otherwise, nice work.


Rose..

No nitpicks here!  Your tanka is perfection personified!  Easy to read, perfect syllable count...it is the complete package. good work!!!

[This message has been edited by Balladeer (12-31-2008 12:02 AM).]

ken206573
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23 posted 2009-01-15 04:52 PM


Moving

i'm a butterfly
on a long endless journey
nothing to my front
nor back, no past, no future
an destination unknown

hope this one is better


Balladeer
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24 posted 2009-01-15 05:22 PM


I like it, Ken! You followed the form perfectly and the poem has a certain sadness and even longing to it. Nice work!

Only nitpick is the first word in the last line. I assume you either mean "a" or "and" instead of "an"....probably a typo.

Claira
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25 posted 2009-01-17 02:17 AM


I did have another Tanka I was going to post but it was a bit grim (inspired by a Cambodian legend where a woman swam out to her drowned lover so she could join him) but came out as more of a suicide message, so here is a different attempt.

The net closes in
Frenzied fish search for escape
One leaps to freedom
The mesh is pulled full circle
As fishermen count their catch

[This message has been edited by Claira (01-17-2009 03:44 AM).]

Amberzlynnc
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26 posted 2010-09-27 03:12 PM


Sweep me off my feet,
Send me into psychosis.
You have my permission.
Steal me from reality
Show me something wonderful.

*Amber

Balladeer
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27 posted 2010-09-27 06:28 PM


Amber, your syllable counts are 5-7-6-7-7, equalling 32 syllables, one too many. It seems to be in the third line.

Otherwise, it's good!!

Amberzlynnc
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28 posted 2010-09-28 01:14 AM


OOPS!
It's supposed to be "you have permission" not "you have my permission"...
That was a typing error, probably because it sounded better in my mind with the "my" inserted.

Thanks for pointing that out, though.

Dr.Moose1
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29 posted 2010-09-28 07:51 AM


A classroom of one
attending to past lessons
where once was great fun.
Are those footsteps in the hall,
must I go recall them all?

Alison and Rose!
Front and center, on your toes!
Drop and give me ten!
Hut, two, three, and present pen!
School's in session once again!

And so it's begun,
Amberzylnnc look what you've done!
The slumbering class
shall be awakened at last
yearning for learning and fun!

Marc Andre and Ken!
Where the hell have you two been!
In a class this small
must I monitor the hall
to see where you've been and when?

Balladeer's a sport,
Madame Sunshine please report.
I've tried to recruit
many who remain quite mute
so our roster's pretty short.

[This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (09-28-2010 10:06 AM).]

Balladeer
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30 posted 2010-09-28 09:22 PM


Nice effort made, Moose
To start things up one more time
Some may need a goose
To coax a few words of rhyme
From those who had disappeared
Or felt they got Balladeered.

Alison was great
And seemed to enjoy the place
But now, as of late,
We don't see her pretty face.
Others, by the wayside, too
Now have disappeared from view.

One does what one can
Amber Lynn has come to play
I'm a happy man
That we live another day.
Doctor Moose, you're quite the lad
And your poetry ain't bad!

Dr.Moose1
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31 posted 2010-09-29 07:02 AM


Balladeer,
Lol @ your poetic reply, is it just me or am I counting an extra line in your stanzas?5,7,5,7,7...7?
Doc

Balladeer
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32 posted 2010-09-29 08:11 AM


Moose, I will simply respond by saying what my father always told me...."Do as I say, not as I do." LOL!

Funny how the most obvious things are the easiest to go unnoticed. I am properly chastised and shall stand in  the corner for ten minutes after breakfast.

I tanka you very much

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33 posted 2010-09-29 01:51 PM


Mayflies rise to mate
Driven by the warmth of sun
But trout too must eat
And so life’s cycle is run
Danger exists in our needs


:-)   do I pass teacher?

[This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (09-30-2010 07:37 AM).]

Balladeer
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34 posted 2010-09-29 07:23 PM


Pass you do, Ron. You followed the structure with a good message..

BUT.........

Since I am a grouchy teacher who justifies his existence by finding oopsies, you need to  choose between "dangers exist" or "danger exists". "Danger exist" doesn't quite make it.

Nitpicky for an old codger, aren't I?

Cpat Hair
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35 posted 2010-09-30 07:38 AM


Hey! nothing in your challenge stated I must use correct spelling!!!
(chuckling)
I should know better.... but obviously didn't catch it on my own.

it is fixed sir...

Balladeer
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36 posted 2010-09-30 09:31 AM



Cpat Hair
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37 posted 2010-09-30 09:56 AM


Now... Haiku...
  I seem to remember that Haiku were often linked with the idea of Zen...
with the final line often a sort of unanswerable riddle for the reader to contemplate...  
any truth to all that?

Balladeer
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38 posted 2010-09-30 11:54 AM


I;ll have to check but, from what I remember of haikus, the last line is supposed to contradict or show a contrast to the first two. Actually the first line represents a certain thing, the second either the emotion of the first or something else and the third a contrast to the two, or something like that? Am I clear enough????
Cpat Hair
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39 posted 2010-09-30 02:17 PM


Clear enough I need to research... what you say is familiar in a vague way, so I'll go read up on the form and refresh my grey matter...
flash
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40 posted 2010-12-06 09:50 AM


Going Nowhere Fast!


life on the treadmill
listening to piped-in sounds
tackling programmed hills
running as fast as I can--
not moving forward an inch

  
  

flash
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41 posted 2010-12-06 10:03 AM


my moms recent passing journeyed me back to when I would pretend  to be ill in order to skip school and stay in bed so mama could bring me her special chicken soup and kiss me and hold me and tuck me in..


feigning illness
I dip a thermometer
in hot water
oh mama tuck me under
hug me one more time






Balladeer
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42 posted 2010-12-06 12:36 PM


Welcome, flash! Always good to see another south Floridian here!

Your tankas are excellent. You show a great contrast in both of them and the second one is especially hard-hitting...very nice work.

flash
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43 posted 2010-12-06 02:01 PM


Thanks, Balladeer for the warm welcome (nice and sunny & warm here today in miami Beach..and I'm sure the same in neighboring Ft Lauderdale! Glad you enjoyed my tanka..just returned from the beach--saw a cracked shellfish along the shore, meditated upon it, then wrote:


tumbled by the tides
this way & that
finally cracked open:
how soft we are
beyond our lobster shells


I also love haiku and senryu (been writing them for 3 months) and am wondering: is there a haiku category? Would love to share some! Thanks so much!

Al  

Balladeer
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44 posted 2010-12-06 04:12 PM


flash, there was nothing sunny and warm this morning....52 when I left the house! WInd chill is supposed to be in the 20's tonight....comical, I'm sure to some of our northern friends, but cold to me, nonetheless.

Very nice  tanka. I see you have a natural flair for it. No, we don't have classifications here, outside of the open forum, which accepts all types of poetry and the prose forum, exclusively for prose. There are many admirers of the haiku/senru/tanks genre in the Open forum, however, and there's no doubt your work will be welcomed there.

[This message has been edited by Balladeer (12-06-2010 05:01 PM).]

s1nfully_1nn0c3nt
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45 posted 2010-12-08 06:48 PM


calmness of the sea
signals tidal waves coming
mother nature's twist
a cruel joke she plays on us
retribution for our sins

Eh, my "attempt"

-Trina.

You'd be surprised by the pain I can imagine inflicting and receiving.

Balladeer
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46 posted 2010-12-08 07:49 PM


You have the structure down right, Trina. I'm missing the cleverness, which I know you are capable of. Thrill me...
s1nfully_1nn0c3nt
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47 posted 2010-12-09 05:27 AM


Ah, I thought so too. I'll have to think it over again. Perhaps I need a new subject?

-Trina.

You'd be surprised by the pain I can imagine inflicting and receiving.

Prats
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since 2010-12-16
Posts 74

48 posted 2010-12-17 07:19 AM


nice one...

Prats!!! :D
Heaven is not that place where you go when you die... it's that time in your life when you actually feel ALIVE!!!

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