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Passions in Poetry

Infernal Rhyme - rewrite

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Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


0 posted 06-06-2008 10:31 AM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Wandering these empty halls,
My heals clacking, whacking, hacking,
Through the endless nothing,
Echoing on barren walls.

Once fellows in Insanity,
In the Institute, astute, resolute,
Are now gone,
Fallen into obscurity.

Justin Thyme and Justin Case,
Were banging, clanging, hanging,
Causing mischief,
Around this dark place.

While Nurse Cratchet kept guard,
Needles were filled, chilled, spilled,
In our struggle for escape from,
A merciless ward.

Prescribed by the master,
Dr. Moose with Mother Goose while eating chocolate mousse,
Curing us from our insanity,
Came only to disaster.

I tried to rewrite this and it is better (and my head hurts). I know it is far from great but I will keep working on it.
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


1 posted 06-06-2008 04:46 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Yes, Marilyn, that is better! The internal rhymes in the second line of each stanza is well done. Now try to expand on it by using internals in more lines
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


2 posted 06-10-2008 01:08 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

And I thought my head hurt before...lol. I  could have thrown myself back in when you were teaching sonnets. then my head really would hurt!!

M
Angel4aKing
Senior Member
since 09-27-2006
Posts 1376
USA


3 posted 08-01-2011 01:33 PM       View Profile for Angel4aKing   Email Angel4aKing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Angel4aKing

I like it!!!! My grandma worked in a ward like this ..... I can almost picture it...

~~~kingsangel~~~

Aaron Snyder
New Member
since 09-02-2011
Posts 6
Dependent on my state of mind.


4 posted 09-17-2011 02:42 PM       View Profile for Aaron Snyder   Email Aaron Snyder   Edit/Delete Message     View IP for Aaron Snyder

I like the wording matched to the subject. There is nothing light about being imbalanced and locked away. Yet you describe it in a light whimsical way. Nicely done. A very pleasant read.
Ron63
Junior Member
since 03-18-2012
Posts 48
Suffolk, Eng, UK


5 posted 03-18-2012 05:37 PM       View Profile for Ron63   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ron63

I like the triple rhyming in this poem but the goose line threw me off a bit. Too long to fit in with the rest of the poem. Maybe something like; Dr Moose who ate goose and chocolate mousse might fit better.

Just a thought.
Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 09-05-99
Posts 3505
Bewilderment , USA


6 posted 03-25-2012 08:53 AM       View Profile for Dr.Moose1   Email Dr.Moose1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dr.Moose1

Heh heh heh, someone has been tiptoeing around in the archives I see.
Doc
 
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