Infernal Rhyme - rewrite - pipTalk Forums

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Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2008-06-06 10:31 AM

Wandering these empty halls,
My heals clacking, whacking, hacking,
Through the endless nothing,
Echoing on barren walls.

Once fellows in Insanity,
In the Institute, astute, resolute,
Are now gone,
Fallen into obscurity.

Justin Thyme and Justin Case,
Were banging, clanging, hanging,
Causing mischief,
Around this dark place.

While Nurse Cratchet kept guard,
Needles were filled, chilled, spilled,
In our struggle for escape from,
A merciless ward.

Prescribed by the master,
Dr. Moose with Mother Goose while eating chocolate mousse,
Curing us from our insanity,
Came only to disaster.

I tried to rewrite this and it is better (and my head hurts). I know it is far from great but I will keep working on it.

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

1 posted 2008-06-06 04:46 PM

Yes, Marilyn, that is better! The internal rhymes in the second line of each stanza is well done. Now try to expand on it by using internals in more lines

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

2 posted 2008-06-10 01:08 PM

And I thought my head hurt before...lol. I could have thrown myself back in when you were teaching sonnets. then my head really would hurt!!

M

Angel4aKing
Senior Member

since 2006-09-27

Posts 1372
USA

3 posted 2011-08-01 01:33 PM

I like it!!!! My grandma worked in a ward like this ..... I can almost picture it...

~~~kingsangel~~~

Aaron Snyder
New Member

since 2011-09-02

Posts 6
Dependent on my state of mind.

4 posted 2011-09-17 02:42 PM

I like the wording matched to the subject. There is nothing light about being imbalanced and locked away. Yet you describe it in a light whimsical way. Nicely done. A very pleasant read.

Ron63
Junior Member

since 2012-03-18

Posts 49
Suffolk, Eng, UK

5 posted 2012-03-18 05:37 PM

I like the triple rhyming in this poem but the goose line threw me off a bit. Too long to fit in with the rest of the poem. Maybe something like; Dr Moose who ate goose and chocolate mousse might fit better.

Just a thought.

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

6 posted 2012-03-25 08:53 AM

Heh heh heh, someone has been tiptoeing around in the archives I see.
Doc

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