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Passions in Poetry

Get Off Your Assonance!

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Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


50 posted 08-22-2009 04:09 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Rileigh, you are entitled to share your thoughts here, don't worry.

I like the poem.  I like the way you have injected the nautical pointers into it and I like the phraseology, such as the nonself to God. I also like the theme you are promoting. I can understand where the "Millionaire's Captain" is something you want to get in, but that phrase just doesn't work for me, poetically, and I don't know how to rearrange it to make it work....or maybe it does work for you and I'm the one with the problem. That's always possible
Marc-Andre
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since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


51 posted 08-22-2009 10:38 AM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

Rileigh, your comments are greatly welcome with me. I see what you mean about the enjambments, and I will consider it. Part of the exercise I’ve given myself here is to write as perfect a Petrarchan sonnnet as possible without it reading like one.

Balladeer, thanks for the continuous support. It’s a big bite I’ve taken here, and I am still chewing. “Millionaire’s Captain”, which was his actual nickname at the times, cannot possibly fit without a trochaic substitution. And as it is a verbatim appellation, I hesitate in changing it only to fit the meter. Perhaps I am less of a purist than you are, as I will allow myself a few metrical substitutions in a piece. I do have my self-imposed restrictions in their use though. Here’s another revision, gone is Canberra and the Café Parisien for words that should scan better. I’ve also made a few other changes, exploring a fuller range of the sailor vocabulary.

Revision Four

I met a sailor from a dated era
who boasted to deserting flocks of drunk
riffraff about the silver in his trunk        
and his Olympian consort, christened Sarah.
Myself mere flotsam stranded on Madeira,
marooned within the pub below my bunk,
I pitied this old gob, his fortunes sunk
in rum, and squired but by his own Chimera.

“My name is Edward Smith, the ‘Millionaire
Captain! And I still claim that God himself      
can’t sink my ship!” The band, his Turkish bath
and libraries are sunk. Unrigged for fair,
this Satan’s Job, this cast away nonself
to God, must tread an ever sloping path.
Balladeer
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52 posted 08-22-2009 03:43 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

That's excellent work and changes in the first stanza, Marc! I like them...

As far as allowing metrical substitutions, that's what they call "poetic license".
Marc-Andre
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since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


53 posted 08-23-2009 12:05 AM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

Thanks Balladeer. Poetic license...I believe this must be earned, that all substitutions must be "unavoidable", in the sense that avoiding it would diminish the poem in both sound and meaning. "Captain" will probably have to stay, but I'm trying to bring the substitutions to the bare minimum. The other two I see are "Olympian" and "riffraff", which I could replace but I do not want to use a filler adjective between drug and perhaps "scum". Or would it be better to start that line on a headless iamb. I'll keep thinking. Surely in the ocean of 650,000 English words, I'll fish one that will be right. I won't let go of it until it's as perfect as can be.

Again, thanks for your time and support. I am still learning a lot from you.
Balladeer
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


54 posted 08-23-2009 12:09 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Here are a few thoughts for you to consider. Yes, I added a line but it's just fiddlin' around, looking for ideas...

"My name is Edward Smith, my hearties
'Captain to the Millionaires!' and I still swear
No man alive or even God himself
Can sink my ship!" The band, the lavish parties,
And libraries are sunk. Unrigged for fair,
this Satan’s Job, this cast away nonself
to God, must tread an ever sloping path.
Marc-Andre
Senior Member
since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


55 posted 08-23-2009 01:29 PM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

Thanks Balladeer, I like the idea of adding "no men alive" and I'll sure try to have it fit within the sestet.
Amaryllis
Senior Member
since 05-20-2010
Posts 1325
Mi now


56 posted 11-22-2010 02:36 AM       View Profile for Amaryllis   Email Amaryllis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Amaryllis

Three things, he said, have wings:
the kestrel, when aloft;
flaunts a soaring ownership
which man has ever sought.

The lowly insect lifts
on bits of gossamer,
never second-guessing this,
in his own motion sure.

But last, the rebel tongue
when loosened, rumor frees-
and soon words whirl like rockets:
the quickest of the three.  
.
.
.i couldn`t resist this workshop... I absolutely looove playing with sonics! I know you asked for simple assonance but I found I couldn`t resist some consonance and alliteration, too...  
.
Thanks~
Amaryllis

[This message has been edited by Amaryllis (11-22-2010 09:51 PM).]

Balladeer
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Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


57 posted 11-22-2010 09:43 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

assonanance, consonance, alliteration...you certainly have them all, miss! Not only that, I love what the poem says, the truth behind the humor. Beautifully done....
AlCowie
Member
since 05-13-2011
Posts 90
London, UK


58 posted 05-14-2011 08:01 PM       View Profile for AlCowie   Email AlCowie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit AlCowie's Home Page   View IP for AlCowie

Nonsense Assonance...

By my houses front door, sat just there on the floor, was a member of the local poor

He had been born on a cold Sunday morn whilst his father watched internet porn

He only ate pork, and when given some chalk, wrote his name as Billy O'Rourke

When he was only short, he used to cavort as a king on the old Roman fort

And come rain or come storm his old ripped uniform, kept the old boy alive, kept him warm

But one day our senyor, he stood up from the door, and decided to try Ecuador

Where he opened a forge in a dried up old gorge and bizarrely renamed himself George

He'd walk round his fiord with a battered old sword and an Argentine made harpsichord

And he taught himself morse and bought a white horse, on whom he'd perform inter...national eventing, or something like that...
AlCowie
Member
since 05-13-2011
Posts 90
London, UK


59 posted 05-16-2011 06:05 AM       View Profile for AlCowie   Email AlCowie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit AlCowie's Home Page   View IP for AlCowie

Wasn't happy with the previous draft, so have tried again, with double assonance at the end of each stanza (get me, starting to get the old lingo!)
Still not happy with the second line, suggestions on a postcard!

By my house's front door, sat just there on the floor,
Was a member of the local poor.
He had been born on a cold Sunday morn
Whilst his father watched internet porn,
He only ate pork, and when given some chalk,
Wrote his name as Corkey O'Rourke.

When he was only short, he used to cavort
As a king on the old Roman fort,
And come rain or come storm his old ripped uniform,
Kept the old boy alive, kept him warm.
But one day our señor, he stood up from the door,
And decamped to explore Ecuador,

Where he opened a forge in a dried up old gorge
And bizarrely renamed himself George.
He'd walk round his fjord with a battered old sword
And an Argentine made harpsichord,
And he taught himself Morse and bought a white horse,
On whom he'd perform inter...national eventing, or something like that...
 
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