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Passions in Poetry

Those Smelly Feet!

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Alison
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Member Rara Avis
since 01-27-2008
Posts 9055
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


50 posted 05-08-2008 07:22 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

With the changes (hope that I didn't screwe it up - I think it still is okay).

I really appreciate you pulling me along.  I might get drunk tomorrow.  My brain is too fried right now.

Thank you, most wonderful teacher.

Alison

-------------------------------
Wishing on the Tides


On whispers, breezes lift a longing wish
to ocean fairies flying over shores.
Some winds may carry couple's need for bliss;
this wish on waves the loversí sighs implore.

A mermaid, graceful, brushes ocean light;
the pastels paint a vibrant shade this dawn.
As dreamy aura soars off topaz light
the currents wash her notes of plaintive song.

While solo stretches over waters blue
a longing draws her lover from the shore;
she suffers growing need, as love is true.
The ocean swelters, heated passion pours.

With waters rolling, all is crystal clear;
to take one to his loverís saline home.
The oceans swirl to show a love so pure.
He lives with her in depth of frothing foam.

The moon, sighs silver, watches from the sky,
as music wells in duets shared in waves.
Then, within stars, the magic reaches high
the ocean fairies sprinkle 'wishing days'.

...

Alison

Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


51 posted 05-09-2008 01:25 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer






It is a work to be proud of, Alison...and I am proud of you
Alison
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52 posted 05-09-2008 02:49 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

:: Hugs you ::

Thank you.

A
Kit McCallum
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since 04-30-2000
Posts 16920
Ontario, Canada


53 posted 05-09-2008 06:29 PM       View Profile for Kit McCallum   Email Kit McCallum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kit McCallum

To Micheal the brilliant teacher ... and Alison the determined pupil ...

Well done!  

You've done beautifully Alison ... and Michael,  your explanations were superb!

Good job with ALL the work in this thread. It was a treat to read through from beginning to end. It will be a great tool and lesson for all to read!

Best wishes,
/Kit
Nan
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54 posted 05-09-2008 07:45 PM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

I'm smiling.. A job well done!


Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


55 posted 05-11-2008 01:28 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Thank you both.
Couldn't do it without a patient teacher.

It's fun and I want to learn.



Alison
Claira
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since 05-11-2008
Posts 101
British but living in Thailand


56 posted 05-13-2008 04:52 AM       View Profile for Claira   Email Claira   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Claira

sidles into class as quietly as possible, damn, didn't mean to scrap my chair.
Sorry I'm late for lessons Mr Balladeer. I've tried to post my first attempt at an Iambic poem but have the same problems Alison did.

So here is my attempt, only a couple of verses but I'm not sure if I doing it correctly, off to do more studying now:

Back to School

The teacher set class a task, which put me in a panic
Its probably easier to rebuild the Titanic
I take my pen and grabbing book, I sneak back into school
As spit wads gather around me, creating a great pool.

The other students fair quite well, I know Iím the rookie
Iím slipping out with Alison, go and play some hooky
Teacher please be gentle now, you really are a tonic.
So is this poem nearly there, metered and Iambic?
Balladeer
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57 posted 05-13-2008 08:57 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Hello, Claira! It's always a pleasure to welcome a new student! We have plenty of desks available. Ok, let's begin.....

Your syllable count is not bad. You basically use a 14 syllable line, slipping to 15 a couple of times. The iambic is not bad for a first try, either. If you look at the bold type you will see where you either put two stressed or two unstressed syllables together. Iambic, of course, is based on unstressed-stressed flow (da-DUM). If you work on those areas, it will help greatly.

Using commas to separate sentences doesn't work, as you have done in lines 3,5,6 and seven and, aside from misspelling fair, which should be fare, you have done quite well!


the TEACH-er set CLASS a TASK, which PUT me IN a PAN-ic.
it's PROB-a -BLY EAS-i-ER to RE-build the ti-TAN-ic
i TAKE my PEN and GRAB-bing BOOK, i SNEAK back IN-to SCHOOL
as SPIT wads GATH-er a-ROUND me, cre-A-ting a GREAT POOL.

the OTH-er STU-dents FAIR quite WELL. i KNOW that I'M the ROOK-ie
i'm SLIP-ping OUT with AL-li-SON, GO and PLAY some HOOK-y
TEACH-er, PLEASE be GENT-le NOW, you REAL-ly ARE a TON-ic
so IS this PO-em NEAR-ly THERE, MET-ered and i-AM-bic

I will rewrite it in iambic and perhaps you will see the difference and pick up a few pointers to help you with your next one. Also, references in this thread you may want to check out will also help. Welcome to the class, my new friend. All you need here is the desire to learn and you have shown that so my time is yours

The teacher gave the class a task, which put me in a panic.
I think it would be easier rebuilding the Titanic.
I take my pen and, grabbing book, I sneak back into school
As spitwads gather 'round me to create a massive pool.

The other students fare quite well. I know that I'm the rookie.
I'm slipping out with Alison to go and play  some hooky.
Dear teacher, please be gentle now. You really are a tonic.
So is this poem nearly there, both metered and iambic?

Hope this helps
Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


58 posted 05-13-2008 09:15 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Hey Claire

Glad that you came on in.

Alison

Claira
Member
since 05-11-2008
Posts 101
British but living in Thailand


59 posted 05-13-2008 10:53 AM       View Profile for Claira   Email Claira   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Claira

Thank you most kindly sir. Your help and time is valuable to me.

Yes, seeing the difference does help. A lot.I originally had a similar line #2 but changed it.

I think I beginning to understand the basics of iambic a bit more, been studying

Thank you again for your warm welcome, see you soon

Claira

Alison- Thanks for the encouragement, left to  me it would have taken me months to come to school
Cxxx

[This message has been edited by Claira (05-13-2008 11:31 AM).]

Essorant
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since 08-10-2002
Posts 4689
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


60 posted 05-13-2008 12:51 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

In the times of kingdoms lived a manly man of mighty worth
Truth's example and the flow'r indeed of chivalry on earth.


Anyone want to add a couplet in Trochaic meter, and continue the poem?


  


Balladeer
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61 posted 05-13-2008 01:34 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Be glad to, sir, but can you tell me what rhyme scheme your couplet represents and why you used a 13 syllable line followed by one of 15 syllables? Just curious....it would help to know this while trying to attach a couplet.
Essorant
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since 08-10-2002
Posts 4689
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


62 posted 05-13-2008 01:52 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

Alas, sorry for the miscount.  It is corrected now: a couplet of two fifteen-syllable lines!
Balladeer
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63 posted 05-13-2008 02:57 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Worth can come in many forms, not only gold and jewels suffice.
Kindnesses to others proves invaluable and has no price.
Essorant
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since 08-10-2002
Posts 4689
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


64 posted 05-13-2008 04:02 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

Under heavens heroes clash in many meetings of the sword,
Many of the battlebrightest thanes are sword-felled for their lord.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (05-13-2008 05:37 PM).]

Claira
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since 05-11-2008
Posts 101
British but living in Thailand


65 posted 05-16-2008 01:03 PM       View Profile for Claira   Email Claira   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Claira

Hello teacher, just to let you know I'm not ducking out of class. I tried another poem but have realised that I am trying to run before I can walk. I am now attempting a shorter syllable count and will see you soon.


Claira

I've just posted my new attempt at imabic, not sure how to do the linkey thing yet
http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum22/HTML/000908.html

[This message has been edited by Claira (05-17-2008 04:11 AM).]

Munda
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since 10-08-1999
Posts 3629
The Hague, The Netherlands


66 posted 05-18-2008 04:04 AM       View Profile for Munda   Email Munda   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Munda's Home Page   View IP for Munda

Claira, welcome to the Workshop. I'm sure you will enjoy it here.

Alison! It was such a pleasure to see your work develop and your determination is admirably. Take a bow, you deserve it.
rachaelfuchsberger
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67 posted 07-22-2009 07:12 PM       View Profile for rachaelfuchsberger   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rachaelfuchsberger

AnaPEStic is STRANGE
Makes me FEEL quite derANGED
Words must BE rearrANGED
For this STYLE that is STRANGE
Short short LONG is a PAIN
AnaPEStic is STRANGE

Arana Darkwolf

 
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