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The Warrior (Villanelle Attempt)
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The Warrior (Villanelle Attempt) |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
The Warrior The warrior bitten by the fight Did get him gone and fled away That made himself a better knight. For was the field of war death-dight. And came to see another day, The warrior bitten by the fight. Now sworded with new learninglight, Sat down and sought poetic-play That made himself a better knight, In words to quest and prove his might. And soon composed romantic lay The warrior bitten by the fight. Adorned with charms and kind insight His pride awoke mid a new sway That made himself a better knight. He sang it to a lady right And she him loved as bright as day The warrior bitten by the fight That made himself a better knight. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
With regards to the subject matter: very, very nice... a bit common, sure, but I love how you've adapted the villanelle format and used it for the purpose of linear storytelling. That's often difficult to do, due to the necessarily recurring lines, but you've succeeded in bringing a balladic element to your poem. One thing I note is that your meter seems to ask the reader to do most of the work, so to speak. I'd encourage you to scan your own poem's meter by first reading it as you'd normally speak it, and seeing if the meter varies all that much from the way it'd normally be said. There are a few places in here where you ask the reader to insert his own stresses---which is permissible in moderation, but for a poem of this length, you've done it a bit too frequently, in my opinion. A potentially good villanelle---in a way, the balladic subject matter demands a more musical tone, which is why I encourage you to improve the meter. Otherwise, everything seems in place. Nice work. Faith is a fine invention |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Essorant "The warrior bitten by the fight" A fine opening line, and in my mind the line most important in this form... A very interesting plot in this poem...The warrier Turning his sword into a ploughshare Tilling the earth by his pen, and the results it seems is that he harvests the love of a "lady right" for his efforts... :-) Local Parasite has pointed out that the meter is a little static and might make the reader work to hard. I agree , but I do feel that meter should be adapted to the theme of the poem, if this villanelle had not turned out happy for the knight, say if he was slain, then a more choppy ryhthm might be acceptable, in tune with the compostion of words that paint cruel pictures on the brain instead of happy ones....just my uneducated opinion.. ______ice ><> |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Essorant, I read through this the first time without any of the haltingness that Local and Ice mentioned, so then I re-read it trying to find what they thought was askew as to stressed / unstressed syllables, while there were a few areas where the flow seemed to be slightly interrupted, I found them to be interesting, and not to detract from your villanelle. Doc |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
I think you've developed your theme very nicely. This is the challenge of a villanelle. You've got to build a story into your poem erstwhile repeating your lines throughout. I like the way you've woven your verbiage. As for your meter, the only word I had to work on was "warrior"... to get it to flow with your meter (iambic tetrameter in this case)... I did that by schmoozing it into two syllables rather than its three inherent ones.... "war-yer"... That works... It's a fine workshop offering, Ess...  |
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