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The struggle (A villanelle
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The struggle (A villanelle |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
The struggle I pen these words not worth a dime. They truly make me feel so dumb. I just can’t handle all this rhyme. I sit and stare at Coleridge “Rime,” and work the keys ‘til bottom’s numb. I pen these words not worth a dime. I bury them in caustic lime. I think I need a little rum. I just can’t handle all this rhyme To hone my skills is now what I’m accursed to do until they hum. I pen these words not worth a dime. I’ll try a potion or enzyme and beat my head in ‘til they come. I just can’t handle all this rhyme So why’d she choose this crazed pastime It’s tough for me, but not for some. I pen these words not worth a dime I just can’t handle all this rhyme |
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| © Copyright 2003 Ken Julkowski - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
I'm afraid I'm not well versed in the villanelle form Ken.. But, this is certainly beautiful! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
 Ugh. Now I have to write one. I'll give my right arm for a theme.... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
This is really excellent work, Ken - a clever idea and wonderful choice of words. There are only two problem areas that I see... "To hone my skills is what that I’m accursed to do until they hum" This is a little clumsy, for lack of a better word. "is what that I'm.." is not smooth and is choppy on the mind. I would suggest something like.. "To hone my skills is now what I'm Accursed to do until they come" "I’ll try any potion or enzyme" You have lost the meter here, by inserting an extra syllable. It becomes so obvious because it is the only place in the entire poem where you have deviated. All other lines have 8 syllables in almost flawless iambic but here, with the ninth syllable inserted, the flow is interrupted and the meter is thrown off. Knowing a little bit about how poets think, I'm guessing that you, also, felt that that particular line did not sound exactly right.....right? The poet must remember to read the line like his readers will read it. Yes, if you read the line as "i'll try AN-y PO-tion OR en-ZYME", you can almost get away with it but you have set your readers up to begin the sentences with iambic beginnings. iPEN i SIT i BUR-y to HONE So it is natural to read that line as "i'll TRY" as opposed to "i'll try A-ny". It stands out so prominently because all of the other lines are so good. I would look for another way to express it.... "With any potion or enzyme I'll beat my head in 'till they come" "I’ll try all potions or enzymes and beat my head in ‘til they come." (yes, you are adding an "s" to the rhyming line but that is an acceptable deviation) There are also other possibilities which would serve your poem better. At any rate, you have penned and excellent villanelle, being true to the form and structure. Hats off to you, Ken  |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Thank you for that thoughtful and supportive review, Mr. 'deer. I don't know how I missed that "any". I certainly knew the syllable count spec. ?? sigh... I took your edit comments and made those changes. I'll think about the flow for a day or so and see what I come up with. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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Endlessecho Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398I live within myself |
Well done. Interesting. I have a question. Is the syllable count part of a villanelle or just part of this poem? I've written one. I'll work up the courage to put it on, hopefully. Just wanted to say that I enjoyed yours. :-) |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Endlessecho: Thank you for your comments. This form, villanelle, calls for iambic tetrameter. See Nan's notes in /pip/Forum22/HTML/000781.html Thanks again!! (and please post your creation. This is a very supportive forum.) Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Very good villanelling. Enjoyed this. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
A slight misinterpretation there Ken. What Nan actually said was "Balladeer's poem was near perfect iambic tetrameter." She went on to say that you have to maintain a consistent meter throughout but it does not have to be 4 foot. In fact, I believe the best known villanelles are mostly pentameter. Nice work on yours here btw. Pete |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Thank you both for your kind comments. Also, Pete, thanks for the amending of my advice. I should have followed my own advice and reread it before passing it along. Tks...Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Ken - I really enjoyed "all this rhyme" - It's very nice to see you posting here with us again. Your verse is always a treat, and it looks like you've received some excellent revues on this one... Thankya...  |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Thank you, Nan, for your always welcome and kind words. This was fun and I love the education in forms of writing that you share with us here. Bless you for your supportive work. Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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