Graduation worries (first sonnet attempt)

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Poetry Workshop

Graduation worries (first sonnet attempt)

IcyFlamez89
Member

since 2003-02-14

Posts 292
Jersey City NJ

0 posted 2003-06-25 03:13 PM

I haven't written poetry in a while, and I've never written sonnets. And it shows with this poem. I'm still rusty with the rules and poetry in general. But I'm hoping summer will keep me back on track. And I told myself to write at leest two poems by the time I graduate. Today's my graduation day, so here's my second poem.:

On this scorching day I've gained victory.
Or have I? Gone forever is the path
Of Childhood. Mine to make my destiny.
Which leads to blissful joy or raging wrath.
The future gayly wraps her warm embrace.
To help me to write my life's next chapter
With the sharp quills of Fate that can't erase.
Oh how time sends me chills with future err.
Oh Grief! Why strike me with cherished moments?
Making me lonely in this joyous time.
I'm scared by it like ants to elements.
But grace hits me kinds and echoes this rhyme:
You've all the time to seek destiny dear.
But tis just your graduation so cheer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So? bad right? lol

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

1 posted 2003-07-23 10:32 AM

Hi Icy... first Sonnet? Wow! I'm impressed! Eventhough you're iambic pentameter isn't perfect (yet) I really enjoyed your theme and you used the rhyme scheme correctly too.

For what it's worth, line 2-3-4-5-8 and 11 are iambic pentameter. I think you can manage with some minor changes to alter the rest of your poem to iambic too.

Here's an example to show you what I mean: Line 14 you say: "But tis just your graduation so cheer." (but TIS just your GRAduAtion so CHEER - da-DUM-da-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-da-DUM)
How about: But it's your graduation day, so cheer! (bit IT'S your GRAduAtionDAY so CHEER! - da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM)

See what I mean? I'm sure you can do it! Good luck!

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

2 posted 2003-07-23 07:25 PM

Yep, Munda said it all and I too liked your first sonnet. LOL you should have seen mine.

Titia

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

3 posted 2003-07-27 08:31 AM

Munda had good advice for you, Icy - and English is her second language, so she's really studied poetry to be able to critique so well - Listen to her... She knows what she's talking about...

Congratulations on your graduation and good luck in high school...

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