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Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands

0 posted 2003-05-14 02:25 PM




I was hurt when you denied our friendship
Wich had been close, I thought, for many years
I used to tell you all my little pains
You were the one to go to with my fears

Then suddenly you said I was no friend
Because I dared to tell you what was true
You used my words and twisted them around
So I was looking bad in stead of you

You couldn't stand that you were not 'the Queen'
Disposing those who would not walk your lane
Then one by one, all friends were leaving you
In loneliness you claimed we were insane

It's been long time, but still you will not see
That friendship's based on love's integrity


Like scattered leaves...my words will flow


© Copyright 2003 Titia Geertman - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2003-05-23 01:46 AM


Hi Titia,

Your meter is almost perfect as I see it. I think you may have missed the rhyme scheme a little though. Remember lines 1 and 3 must rhyme as must 5 and 7 as well as 9 and 11. Also, instead should be one word.

I know I just keep saying it but I still can't get over how well you are able to write in a second language. I wish I could do that.

Thanks,
Pete

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
2 posted 2003-05-26 11:17 PM


Hi Titia!

I thought that your sonnet was superb and that your theme development was excellent.  It is so sad when old friendships disintegrate. You described it well.

Shenachie

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
3 posted 2003-05-31 07:10 AM


Hey Titia - Pete's done a good job of critiquing for you here.  The only thing I would add is that your first line is out of form.  It's a trochaic (DUM-da) line rather than iambic (da-DUM).  You begin with a stressed syllable - which is frequently done in the poetic world - and end with "friendship," an inherently trochaid word - FRIEND-ship...

Other than that - This poem ROCKS!!!...

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
4 posted 2003-05-31 09:08 AM


Titia~
I'll leave the technical stuff to the Teacher, but this Sonnetized phrase -
'friendship's based on love's integrity'
says it ALL to me~

Love you, dear lady~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

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