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fayth
Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19


0 posted 2003-05-11 08:42 PM



Iraq

Was it wrath that caused the bloodied lakes
A thousand years of tears could not wipe away
The wound embedded deep beneath the clay
Oh Euphrates and Tigris did you then awake
Watching the unremorseful torches sway
To char and still the lips of those at pray
seeking the widowed mothers hearts to break

Ten centuries the banks, crimson stained
And ten years since and now again
The scenes of carnage persistently recur
The agony, and countless rights unnamed
The tarnished waters, soothe and calm the pain
you’ll heal, love, and thrive, better than before.
Kansaa

© Copyright 2003 fayth - All Rights Reserved
fayth
Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19

1 posted 2003-05-11 10:49 PM


Made a mistake!! Its supposed to be eight lines so I've added the eightth:

Was it wrath that caused the bloodied lakes
A thousand years of tears could not wipe away
The wound embedded deep beneath the clay
Oh Euphrates and Tigris did you then awake
And hear the smothered cries and ache
Watching the unremorseful torches sway
To char and still the lips of those at pray
seeking the widowed mothers hearts to break

Ten centuries the banks, crimson stained
And ten years since and now again
The scenes of carnage persistently recur
The agony, and countless rights unnamed
The tarnished waters, soothe and calm the pain
you’ll heal my life, and thrive, better than before.


Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2003-05-14 12:59 PM


Hi Fayth,

I really like the way you compressed so much history into just 14 lines. Your rhyme works very well but your meter rambles a bit.

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
3 posted 2003-05-14 01:13 PM



Hi Fayth, welcome to class.

Teach Nan could explain it far better than I, but as I recall, a sonnet must have five da-dums in each line.

Keep trying, once you get the hang of the meter, it's so much fun to write sonnets.

Titia

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

fayth
Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19

4 posted 2003-05-14 04:01 PM


I feel very dumb.
Hi guys! What is the meter? Is it the da da dum that titia says?

Well I will try again. But should I go to elementary class first to know the basics, should I do a search for the first classes-or are you all professional? You all sound so great that you know, I've stopped doing my silly rhymes, I get so much pleasure reading yours!!

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
5 posted 2003-05-18 05:20 PM


A magnificent poem!
A first attempt? THis was really great
You have a wondereful sonnet here and just some small adjustments in meter will make it perfect!
A pleasure to read!
Liz

fayth
Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19

6 posted 2003-05-19 10:16 AM


dear Liz,
thanks soo much for the encouragement, I've tried again but I feel it still needs hard work.

      the day peace died

Blistering sun looked down upon the seething fray
And ships were wrecked and death did gloat and joy
‘Wait up’ cried life, ‘why all this strife, oh pray!
Share your woes, your grievances- why hate and why annoy?’

Reason lived in other spheres, life’s pleas were just ignored
‘Peace’ they cried ‘has just died; this is our domain.
And all who wish can join with Peace in heavenly abode’.
The battling feet to sea kicked  out Peaces remains.

So Judgment fled  and hid instead, afraid
And honor cried, thrice pierced; its heart was done.
And Peace had died, no blood had touched her blade.
She fought with pen and words, she fought alone.

And Peace had died and fallen, fifty fathoms deep
That those who loved her, those who hoped should weep.

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
7 posted 2003-05-23 01:37 AM


Hi Fayth. If I may be presumptious, how about this as a first suggestion?

The blazing sun looked down upon the fray
And ships were wrecked and death did gloat with joy
‘Wait up’ cried life, ‘why all this strife, oh pray!
To share your woes -- why hate and why annoy?’

And reason lived; life’s pleas were just ignored;
‘And peace’ they cried ‘has died in our domain
And all who wish can join in hell's abode’.
The battling feet to sea kicked our remains.

So Judgment fled  and hid instead, afraid
And honor cried, thrice pierced; its heart was done.
And Peace had died, no blood had touched her blade.
She fought with pen and words, she fought alone.

And Peace had died and fallen, fathoms deep
That those who loved her, those who hoped should weep.

It may change the context here and there and it doesn't attemp to fix the rhyme scheme, which is a strict requirement of a sonnet. But it does get the meter straight, which also s terribly important.

Hope I didn't offend by clobbering up your poem.

Pete

fayth
Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19

8 posted 2003-05-23 04:48 PM


thanks!!

Hello Pete,
I will study it- its awefully difficult this meter business, one day, maybe I will get it right.

And of course you didn't offend, if I may be presumptious, I think I deserve your nickname more than you.

all the best and thanks again

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

9 posted 2003-05-23 11:03 PM


Hi fayth, I really enjoyed your sonnet.... you're not alone trying to learn meter, I am too and yes you're right it aint easy.

I'm stuck on the last few lines.

Maree

fayth
Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19

10 posted 2003-05-25 08:18 PM


Hi MAree, thanks for the encouragement
I'm going to keep at in until I get there, take care.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
11 posted 2003-05-26 07:38 AM


Fayth, Welcome to Passions!  And welcome to Nan's Poetry Workshop.  Your heart is in the right spot, and as a novice at sonnets, I'm not even going to try to critique, but I will say...listening to Pete can be a GOOD thing!
Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
12 posted 2003-05-26 11:41 PM


Hi Fayth!

It is terrific to have you in this class.  Your themes are excellent and topics that you develop well and that are not easy subjects to tackle.  I find this very impressive.  Not silly rhymes.

I'm enjoying learning these poetry forms and get very silly in my responses.  Hang with us.  You'll see.

It's great to see new talent in here.  Hope that you enjoy the workshop and it's people as much as I do.  They have been very kind and helpful to me and the worldwide connection to poets is heartwarming and encouraging.

Shenachie

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
13 posted 2003-06-13 07:44 PM


Here’s how I read your poem, fayth – with the syllables in regular font receiving the unstressed sound (da), while the bolded syllables receive the heavier stress (DUM)…
quote:

Was it wrath that caused the bloodied lakes
A thousand years of tears could not wipe away
The wound embedded deep beneath the clay
Oh Euphrates and Tigris did you then awake
And hear the smothered cries and ache
Watching the unremorseful torches sway
To char and still the lips of those at pray
seeking the widowed mothers hearts to break

Ten centuries the banks, crimson stained
Andten years since and now again
The scenes of carnage persistently recur
The agony, and countless rights unnamed
The tarnished waters, soothe and calm the pain
you’ll heal my life, and thrive, better than before.



Here are my suggestions to smooth out the meter.  Every line should consist of five iambic feet – da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM… Your third line is perfect - The wound embedded deep beneath the clay

Some possible variations for consistent iambic pentameter throughout…
quote:

Was wrath what caused so many bloodied lakes
A thousand years of tears won’t wipe away
The wound embedded deep beneath the clay
Euphrates - Tigris - Did you then awake
To hear the smothered cries and graven ache
And watch the unremorseful torches sway
To char and still the lips of those at pray
Then seek the widowed mothers hearts to break

Ten centuries the banks, in crimson stained
And ten years since and now they bleed again
The scenes of carnage now persistently  recur
The agony, and countless rights unnamed
The tarnished waters, soothe and calm the pain
You’ll heal my life, and thrive more than before.


That took very little nipping & tucking, fayth – Nice job…. But - Remember – Don’t take any advice that doesn’t feel right to you – This is your poem – No one else’s…




[This message has been edited by Nan (06-13-2003 07:50 PM).]

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