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Justbleu
Member Elite
since 1999-08-31
Posts 3329
Oregon, Originally From Alaska :)

0 posted 2003-03-17 03:46 PM


One day
Heaven awoke
On a clear summer day
A step in step in time with mine
Passing away as yellow fades to blue
Wishing for a detain of time
Carressing the moments
As the clock ticks
Always


© Copyright 2003 Bridgette C. Morgan Schroeder - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2003-03-17 03:59 PM


Almost!  the first line is the last line, too...

Count is spot on!

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
2 posted 2003-03-17 11:12 PM


A step in step in time with mine

what a beautiful line!

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
3 posted 2003-03-17 11:31 PM



Very close and very nice.  I like this.
As Karilea said, the first and last line
should be the same.  They should also consist
of a single two-syllable word, rather than
two one-syllable words.  Other than that, you've got it.

Justbleu
Member Elite
since 1999-08-31
Posts 3329
Oregon, Originally From Alaska :)
4 posted 2003-03-18 08:25 AM


One day
Heaven awoke
On a clear summer day
A step in step in time with mine
Passing away as yellow fades to blue
Wishing for a detain of time
Carressing the moments
As the clock ticks
One day

This would work if I just stick to the two syllables but, VL said the first and last word should just be a single word!!!!

Balladeer that's my favorite line....Thanks for your comment!!!!

Sunshine and Vlraynes Thank You so much too!!!! I'm going to continue to work on this......


Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
5 posted 2003-03-18 01:06 PM


JustBleu~
Hi gal !

Wonderful job !
Just wonderful ... keep working on doing more and more and more !

VICKY !  I see you !
Now get busy with that gazillion ricta-rhyme !
Tee-Hee !
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com                        

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
6 posted 2003-03-19 09:27 AM


Ah...commitment!  Gotta love it!
Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
7 posted 2003-03-24 11:26 PM


I enjoyed this and found perfection in the minor imperfection.  I cast my vote with Balladeer on a splendid and very quotable great line:

"A step in step in time with mine"

Just asking for more of the same.

Shenachie

Justbleu
Member Elite
since 1999-08-31
Posts 3329
Oregon, Originally From Alaska :)
8 posted 2003-03-25 01:32 AM


Today
Heaven awoke
On a clear summer hike
A step in step in time with mine
Passing away as yellow fades to blue
Wishing for a detain of time
Carressing the moments
As the clock ticks
Today


Hmmmmm......

[This message has been edited by Justbleu (03-25-2003 02:02 AM).]

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
9 posted 2003-03-25 01:46 AM


So you can improve on perfection!  Outstanding!  I enjoyed seeing you in class.

Shenachie

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
10 posted 2003-03-30 10:16 AM


Today
Fore summer's blush
Crocus peek in spring's warmth
And beckon tulips from repose
Thence bounteous meadows of daffodils
Florid entreat to summertide
The cycle of rebirth
All springing forth
Today

Justbleu
Member Elite
since 1999-08-31
Posts 3329
Oregon, Originally From Alaska :)
11 posted 2003-03-30 11:26 PM


Nan.....that is sooo pretty!!!!  Your poem captures springtime here in Oregon sooo well!!!  I ride my bike to and from work everyday and the daffodils and tulips are beautiful right now!!!!
Bridgette

"Somewhere, somehow, it should be possible to touch someone and never let go again.  To hold someone, not for a moment but forever." Unknown


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