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First Snow
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First Snow |
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jjote Senior Member
since 2002-12-25
Posts 1088Ontario, Canada 
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This is a rewrite from the original which is in freeverse. This is iambics? There are 6 da-DUMS in each line, if I counted them right. ================================== How delicate and frosty soft her raiment is, shy maiden that she is, she strews her petals white, to cover earth’s face gently, when the kids are tucked in bed, and every one no longer is awake. On wings of chilly winds, she flies all over roofs. and decks the gardens full in shiny silver flakes. Like Santa who does love to climb down chimney tops, with stealthy foot she creeps in silence through the dark. Does she desire to wrap the earth in gifts of frost surprise each child as he awakes in early morn, enticing him to run out ‘round the yard and play? But then the chilly wind gets stronger and begins to sweep her garments into flurry shreds of white so merciless it is, she’s left in icy daze. And now she struggles bravely to awake and hide some tiny clumps of flakes on all the barest trees, that even smaller bushes sparkle crystal clear. The kids awake to find her lying faint, but still she dazzles them in all her pristine loveliness. And though she’s melting at their touch, too soft to roll into a ball, how she is fondled and belov’d. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
jjote, You're imagery is spectacular, blending well with the personification to carry your theme. Your meter reads well(to me) except for the fourth line, first stanza. I stumbled a little on "no". If I might suggest "In bed, and everyone no longer is awake". Merely a suggestion(I'm no expert). Looking forward to more. Doc |
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jjote Senior Member
since 2002-12-25
Posts 1088Ontario, Canada |
Thanks, Doc. That line was really stumping me while I was writing it, couldn't think of a "cure" (are you a Doc, really?? I like your suggestion, and I'm going to edit it so. What about the line before that, didn't that make you stumble. When I read it aloud, I think the da-dums have changed the stresses..but I left it at that, my mind's boggled, won't work.  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Don't let him fool you - He's really a moose... Your iambics are intact... You've written six feet per line of verse... Iambic Hexameter... I'd say you've got a good handle on your meter, jjote... And it's nice to have you here...  |
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