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serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738


0 posted 2002-08-13 05:43 AM


fingers tapping--
jungle drums
silence
beating through the palms...
I smoke.
I pace.
I smoke.
I pace.
Glaring
through the eyes
of cage--
wilderness on padded stealth
fingers tapping jungle drums
pounding rhythm
maddening
muscles
~ripple~
in restraint--
(I'll wait for opportunity...)
I nod to self, as I exhale...

I'll bite the hand
that brings me meat.

So starved am I--in need of "kill."

fingers
tap-tap
(native drum)
I watch the sun to measure time.
I smoke.
I pace.
I smoke.
I wait.
I hear the steps of my turnkey.

He brings me buckets
full of blood--
I smell the meat.
I drool.

I hear
the crowd
in terror--
jump

as I attacked!

(my meal...alone...)

I ate. I shrugged.

I groomed myself.

I yawned
and dozed contentedly.


"tomorrow is another day..."

Then?
They closed the zoo.


[This message has been edited by serenity blaze (08-13-2002 09:31 AM).]

© Copyright 2002 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved
Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
1 posted 2002-08-13 07:28 AM


great one....

you need 5 ... here ya go

1 BUCK
1 BUCK
1 BUCK
1 BUCK
1 BUCK

Add them together... and hold on to them tight

regards to you,
sudhir

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

2 posted 2002-08-13 03:23 PM


Wait, i thought you *always* did free verse?

Mikey

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2002-08-13 03:39 PM


Yeah, that's kinda cheatin' doncha think?

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

4 posted 2002-08-13 04:05 PM


I'm only counting five bucks here---grin.

but seriously, I would love some critique here, I know I have committed a crime of assonance, but? and...tick tick tick, my question is--if there are no rules to free verse? is "rhyme" a disqualifier? (and this is not technically "rhyme"--but assonance...)

and? further? I would love suggestions--this really frustrated me--it was difficult for me to illustrate a rhythm of pacing--without rhyme.

(I KNOW. I KNOW. I even TALK in rhyme--try being taken seriously with THAT problem!)

(serenity exits, muttering..."oranges, poranges--who cares?")

*chuckle*

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

5 posted 2002-08-13 04:14 PM


What's to critique, Sen? You write jump, and you feel the entire poem jumping. You write pace, and I'm taken along with the verse.

If anything, you have things to teach *me*.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

6 posted 2002-08-13 04:24 PM


sigh...I think I was hoping to be attacked...egads, I'm terrible!

Thank ye...

free popcorn for everyone?

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

7 posted 2002-08-13 05:12 PM


After you give me my five bucks back!
Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
8 posted 2002-08-13 05:35 PM


okay... I make an attempt...

fingers tapping--
jungle drums
silence
beating through the palms...
I smoke.
I pace.
I smoke.
I pace.
--------- this part is gripping, and has all my attention... the nervous twitching, fingers tapping... all is so contagious

Glaring
through the eyes
of cage--
wilderness on padded stealth
fingers tapping jungle drums
pounding rhythm
maddening
muscles
~ripple~
in restraint--

---- great work so far too... I would have liked the last line to be
"in forced restraint"... but that's just me...

(I'll wait for opportunity...)
........
what opportunity?
I would have prefered
(I'll wait for an/the opportunity...)
or
(I'll wait for my opportunity...)

...........

I nod to self, as I exhale...

I'll bite the hand
that brings me meat.
So starved am I--in need of "kill."

..... the period after the quotes?
fingers
tap-tap
(native drum)
I watch the sun to measure time.
I smoke.
I pace.
I smoke.
I wait.
I hear the steps of my turnkey.
........
you seem to have gathered patience
........
He brings me buckets
full of blood--
I smell the meat.
I drool.

I hear
the crowd
in terror--
jump

as I attacked!

(my meal...alone...)

I ate. I shrugged.

I groomed myself.

I yawned
and dozed contentedly.


"tomorrow is another day..."

Then?
They closed the zoo.

..........

well, the story line is simple, but the flow magnificent... keeping the reader gripped... wanting more... but the last line is sort of final, is it not?

This one did not need rhyme... but the first two stanzas are brilliant...

NOW, I have said it!!!

you are a great writer, O serene one...

regards,
sudhir

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
9 posted 2002-08-13 05:37 PM


just to add that I wondered

"jungle drums"
and then
"native drum"

abit confused, but I don't know where... lol

regards,
sudhir

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
10 posted 2002-08-24 10:51 AM


Note:... It is NOT a crime to commit assonance, anthropomorphism, or extended metaphor in free verse!..
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

11 posted 2002-08-24 11:29 AM


"anthropomorphism,?"

I swear, I was just cleaning it, and went off by accident!

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
12 posted 2002-08-24 05:31 PM


SB:

I'm not sure what I enjoyed more ... your poem or your last response to Nan ... heh-heh ... still chuckling on my little side of cyberworld.

Thanks for the read.  Very nice offering.

Jim

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA
13 posted 2002-08-25 08:53 AM


serenity,
Crouching tiger/hidden metaphor?Had my attention all the way through.
Doc

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

14 posted 2002-08-25 09:54 AM


I forgot to thank Sudhir...forgive me?

and the switch from jungle drum, to native, I think was an attempt at a subconscious trigger to suggest aborigine and to also suggest the humanity of the subject. Lemme know if that worked! Hugs to all, and giggles to j...and I'll be back here to read, I'm running amok from forum to forum--*pant* pant*

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
15 posted 2002-08-28 04:03 AM


Smoking!

Shenachie

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