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Jason
Member
since 2002-07-31
Posts 72
Macon, GA

0 posted 2002-08-08 02:13 PM



Sea Storm

I look out to sea
the clouds flowing in
a majestic dance
to the beat of thunder
as it echoes across
the fluid grace
of the ocean's surface
swirling to the rhythm
of a timeless symphony
the thunder changes the tempo
and the winds increase their speed
as the tempest turns the sea
in a frenzied waltz
as the passions and motions
of the sea-storm increase
changing the waves gentle touch
into a harsh scratch
digging into the beach
like nails in a lovers back

Then the salted winds of time
that bring the spicy scent of the sea
mix with the ozone of the storm
move me through an age, long gone
while the brilliant blue
flashes of lightning
illuminates my face eerily
in the grey gloom of the cloudy day
but only for an instant
before fading away
as another takes it's place
my eyes reflect the grey clouds
broken by flashes of blue
like the lightning in the skies
telling of the chaos within
for I am akin to the storm
and wedded to the sea
now standing upon the shore
watching this dance
of my heart and soul
and I find peace
in the Sea Storm.

Jason Daniels
(this is the first free verse I ever put effort into and I'm still not completely happy with it in part)
{I posted this in the open forum a few days ago, when I found out that I couldn't put it here until AFTER gaining authorization, so some of you may have seen it already}
Candor is appreciated.

Practiced in the Art of Perception

© Copyright 2002 Jason Daniels - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2002-08-08 02:43 PM



Jason...a mentor once told me that to make free verse really work?  Drop the articles.

I do believe you've got a good one here to work with....so, drop the "the's, a's, that's, with's" etc., and see what happens...

Jason
Member
since 2002-07-31
Posts 72
Macon, GA
2 posted 2002-08-08 03:20 PM


hmmm..........
an interesting idea.......
something is moving in my mind.....
my thanks to you, Sunshine...........

Practiced in the Art of Perception...

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
3 posted 2002-08-08 09:07 PM



You're welcome.  For me, free verse is like
talking to myself in shorthand...

and then I bug you all with it by putting it
in purple on blue...

Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song
4 posted 2002-08-09 01:40 AM


Lot's of wonderful images in this piece.  I read it the way you wrote it and then I tried to read it the way Sunshine suggests........works both ways with a little changing in the order of words.  That is why she is among the tops in free-verse and I am stuck trying to understand why "When there are no rules"......there seems to be a whole lot of "you gotta do's to make it sound right".   Either way.....I did enjoy it much and I think you are well on your way to getting an "A" before class is out.  
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2002-08-09 02:43 PM


Great imagery to be sure. I think you would hve to be careful dropping the articles though. I also looked at it that way and to remain sensible (for me anyway) at least half or so of them would have to stay. The complete lack of punctuation threw me on this one. I know that is a problem I have but it really made me want to just rush through it much faster than I think you intended. Well, again that may just be me. Finally, I found "harsh scratch" a little difficult to say It might be worthwhile to separate the words or maybe change one.

Thanks for a very enjoyable read.
Pete

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

6 posted 2002-08-13 04:18 PM


Here's the thing with free verse.

There *are* rules. There *is* rhythm. It's not just prose given a line-break make-over.

So how do you keep things from falling apart with such irregularities of spacing and stanza length?

Punctation. Everywhere. Dashes, commas, periods. Lots of periods. You need to breathe the words. You need to feel the breath of them, where they pause to inhale, and the slow exhale .... to the end.

See what I mean?

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296
Michigan
7 posted 2002-08-16 10:39 PM


I have probably been doing free verse incorrectly, because no one ever taught me before...but I have slowly come to the realization that sometimes the articles make the poem a bit more clutzy than it needs to be...
but I do think that there are times when an occasional one is needed...

I really love the imagery in this poem,Jason... but I agree with Karilea...  Try dropping some of the articles and see what happens.

Mr.Squirrel,  Someone once told me that we weren't supposed to use....... in poems. I forgot what they called those little dots, which to me...actually say a lot, and I can't remember who told me that...
So is it okay to use them?

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
8 posted 2002-08-17 08:52 AM



I like what BSQ said...
and Lyra?  I don't think I could
write,
without...my little...ellipses of thought...

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
9 posted 2002-08-28 03:03 AM


Love your imagery!

Shenachie

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
10 posted 2002-08-28 11:22 PM


Well, LeRoy...

You know this is one of my favorites..

Your imagery is exceptional, so the only suggestion I would offer has already been... Perhaps the imagery would speak even louder without articles...

Let's see a revised version??..

Jason
Member
since 2002-07-31
Posts 72
Macon, GA
11 posted 2002-08-30 01:01 PM


Thanks Folks,

The re-write is coming soon.

Jason

Practiced in the Art of Perception...

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