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jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

0 posted 2002-08-07 07:18 AM


You drew me like a breath –
Lightly, when the rockets framed your face in red.
I tried not to stare
When I imagined the taste of lime on your lips
And wondered at your faint reflection in the window
If you stood close to me
Because you wanted to.

You drew me like a breath –
Sharply, as the lights of Mars framed your face in red.
I tried to hide
How much I wanted you to taste the lime on my lips
Or touch my arm again when you laughed –
But I sat close to you
Because I wanted to.

You draw me like a breath –
Deeply, as your lamp frames us both in red,
And drawn
We taste the lime on one another's lips
As inhibitions
       Slide softly
                 Down your gently arching back and
Vanish
       As though they never were –
Because we both know
We are right where we want to be
And, together, we exhale.

[This message has been edited by jbouder (08-07-2002 05:16 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved
Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
1 posted 2002-08-07 05:27 PM



Hi Jim,

This is a beautiful free verse.

I like free verse, one can do as one pleases

Titia

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2002-08-07 05:30 PM


Hey Jim,

Pretty good for a kid who has been cutting class for so long. Terrific love story told here. I loved it in CA and every time I read it I get a little more from it. Eventually, it gets to feeling pretty steamy. I'm still a little cold on the Mars reference, that is without your earlier explanation of it.

Great write,
Pete

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

3 posted 2002-08-07 08:08 PM


It's Jim!

~falling over in shock~

It's great to see you...and I like ya poem too...(though lost on Mars, but hey - it's free verse, getting lost is part of the fun right? (see Chris for lessons on that heh)

hope all's going well you..

K

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA
4 posted 2002-08-07 08:52 PM


Jim,
Who knows what delights lurk out beyond the shadows' rim, only Jim. Great write here, studying away.
Doc

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
5 posted 2002-08-08 11:35 AM


Hey Kamla:

The Mars Bar is a trendy martini bar in downtown Harrisburg, PA.  Some of the lighting is red and casts just about everything (and everyone) in shades of red.

It's nice being back.

Jim

P.S. Hope you didn't hurt yourself falling over.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
6 posted 2002-08-08 09:08 PM



Jim!  It's so good to see you writing again!  How is your son doing?

Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song
7 posted 2002-08-09 01:29 AM


I do believe that studying free-verse is going to be a treat for me as was this wonderful read.  I have studied Nan's notes and I don't see where you missed a beat.  Not only did you capture some very cool images in here but you added the feeling as well brought us a moment's story to enjoy.  I say well done and much enjoyed.
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
8 posted 2002-08-09 02:52 AM


I've missed reading you Jim, really have.

Ironically (or not, i get lost so easily) i didn't get lost on the mars bit... of course where it took me was different from your intent. I just had a picture of the planet nearing and shining off the other's face. a stretch, of course - if this were completely reality, but no one ever said poetry had to be that. i liked the romantic allusion to foregoing the moon and bringing closer a farther orb. i like it with the reference as well though, as it fits with the "bar scene" you outline in your first stanza.

All said, definitely enjoyable, as your work always is.

Peace,

C

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
9 posted 2002-08-09 01:27 PM


Karilea, Mark and Christopher:

Thanks for reading and commenting.  This was an enjoyable poem to write.

Jim

Greeneyes
Deputy Moderator 50 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind
10 posted 2002-08-09 06:58 PM


When I imagined the taste of lime on your lips''

for me this is so exotic!

and when you flipped it for her to taste the lime on your lips....WOW!!


Enjoyed this sir...


Lauren~

The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind pretend I am weightless and in this moment I am happy

Munda
Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands
11 posted 2002-08-16 05:08 PM


Hiya Jim, it's been far too long since we've seen your work and you surely added a little magic to the Workshop this time.
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
12 posted 2002-08-27 09:41 AM


Pretty darned good, m'friend..

You've developed a theme beautifully - incorporated some wonderful imagery..

"You drew me like a breath" - a combined simile/metaphor

"Lightly, when the rockets framed your face in red." - a bit more metaphor

"You drew me like a breath –
Sharply, as the lights of Mars framed your face in red." - more of the same - building in intensity...

"You draw me like a breath –
Deeply, as your lamp frames us both in red," - and more intensity...

"As inhibitions
       Slide softly
                 Down your gently arching back and
Vanish"

This verse incorporates personification into a visual format that enhances its inference...

"Because we both know
We are right where we want to be
And, together, we exhale."

and... the piece comes to a wonderfully effective climax..

Nice work, Jim... Don't stay away so long next time..

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
13 posted 2002-08-28 04:46 AM


Jim--

I enjoyed all of your references to the Red Planet and appreciated your explanation that it was a theme for a bar.  Mars Bar no less.  Someone was very clever and this poem tells the story well.

Shenachie

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296
Michigan
14 posted 2002-08-29 12:25 PM


You drew me like a breath –
Lightly, when the rockets framed your face in red.
I tried not to stare
When I imagined the taste of lime on your lips

I love this imagery, Jim...
nice and steamy...and tasting of lime
~ tasty hugs

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

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