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'Dum Struck"
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'Dum Struck" |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Ominous dark clouds are forming, fueled of water vapor warming. Rising with relentless passion, overhead in warlike fashion, columns of opposing forces sound the charge of thundering horses. Crack the sky, release the lightning, senseless fury stokes the frightening. Crashes brightly, heaven's riven, all before the storm are driven. Incandescent coalescent rage continues 'til has been spent, storms' emotion, from the ocean's air around us to astound us. With such primal force of nature, there exists no nomeclature, to describe this as a witness, would appear as if struck witless. |
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| © Copyright 2002 William E.Kleist - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Very close, Doc  Using eight-foot (16 syllable) lines with the fourth foot and the eighth foot rhyming is an excellent form to show action or emotion forcefully....and your trochaic form is flawless. With the exception of the eighth line, where you deviate from the rhyming structure, the poem is very well done.  |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Balladeer, Why thank you my friend. Are you going to be a regular here in our class-room? If so, I'll save you a seat, polish up an extra apple, gaze upon a new horizon, count my meager chips, throw caution to the wind run things up the flag-pole, mind my "P"s and "Q"s, do what-ever it may takes, and then, when everything is done, I'll still give thanks to you. P.S. On this one I've got to dis-agree.I've read it and read it again , and do not read the flaw. If you are correct, please be more specific. I know you mentioned the eigth line, but I do not hear it when I read this. Help! Doc [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (06-19-2002 10:14 PM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
LOL! Nope, I rearely get over this way but when meter and form is the issue, I'm there. The reason why you couldn't find a flaw in the eighth line is because there isn't one. I miscounted! It's the seventh line. storms' emotion, from the ocean's air around us to astound us. If it were to follow the format of every other line then the rhyme would be "ocean's" and the last word of the line. The line itself is very good....it is just a different format from the others. Peace |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Balladeer, Nope , still gotta disagree. The metro-gnome says ,"it reads o.k.". I must be missing something. Maybe the sixth line is throwing things off? No clue, thank you. Doc |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
The metro-gnome is having an off-day... ok, I'll try it this way and then surrender. Here are the words which end with your eighth syllable and the ones ending with the final syllable.... forming - warming passion - fashion forces - horses lightning - frightening riven - driven coalescent - been spent ocean's - astound us nature - nomenclature witness - witless Anything look out of place? |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Balladeer, Well, when you put it that way, I do. LOL. I thought I might be able to get away with that by the addition of the extra internal rhyme in that line. Does that make me some kind of deviant? Doc ( Sheesh ! Not only is he a great writer , but he's got patience too !) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Naw Doc,  I don't think that's what makes you a deviant  Pete |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, if it does make you a deviant, at least it makes you a clever one. That's a good thing!! I admire your work, doc |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
quote: STORMS'-e/MO-tion/FROM-the/O-cean's/AIR-a/ROUND-us/TO-as/TOUND-us OK, gentlemen... The meter is indeed fine - and that's what this month is about, right? Technically, then, this is fine.. Being the perfectionists that we are, and adhering to our own formats as we do, the rhyme scheme is what deviates here... How's about Storms' emotion all around us, from the ocean's air astounds us.  [This message has been edited by Nan (06-24-2002 05:39 PM).] |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Dear Teach, Now why didn't I think of that? I guess it's cuz I'm still learning. Thanks, it really does read much better that way. Doc |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Wow, Doc! I've been sitting quietly in the back corner of the class, trying to take all this in. I'm so impressed with your willingness to attempt trochaic meter. Maybe I'll get there. Great lesson! Shenachie |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Bridget, Sorry for the delay in answering, thank you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. A lot of times I probably come across almost as if I know what I was doing, trust me, that isn't the case. I'm here to learn. This is the best possible place I have found to do so. There are many talented poets on this site who give freely of them-selves. In the two plus years I have been here, my only regret is that I don't have more time to reply to the works of others'( which is not looking to change soon ). Other than that, I am perfectly content, here, among the people I have come to know as my friends.Thanks again. Doc |
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