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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania 
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Nan, I thought this appropriate to post here, After reading your definitions of various meters, I realize there are a lot of corrections to be made. Caverns All alone, I felt imprisoned in a transitory vision Not a spectrum of a prism could delightfully invade Into darkness I created, treading into deeds not slated On the tablet scrolled and dated, with my name in letters laid Set was I on new adventure, no one could refuse or censure This my quest duly indentured by my soul to my own self Willing was my heart to travel to the place that would unravel On a floor of rock and gravel, jagged edge and weathered shelf There upon a silent mountain, only gurgles of a fountain Interrupted paces counted to the cavern of my quest In was in a cave of darkness, barren rooms of granite starkness Cave uncharted through the markless tunnel path of my request In the dank of earthly womb, where hidden secrets were entombed And now at last will be exhumed in chambers yet to be unsealed Like a marble pillared palace, stone the footing and the ballast Rich the contents of the chalice, waiting there to be revealed Down the marble hall I wandered, into chambers where I pondered All the friendships I had squandered , in the course of passing years Jealousy in tilted tiles, Permanent mosaic smiles Lavishing deceitful aisles, dripping with another’s tears Slipping off a ledge I tumbled, rocks behind me rolled and rumbled Grasping at the floor I fumbled into ghostly cells of shame Eerie whispers, phantom voices, making pacts and giving choices Uttering in haunting noises, repetitiously my name I walked the hallway to a corner where I huddled safe and warmer But I found this to be former days of joyfulness and glee Now an empty spatial token of the words I left unspoken Of the promises I’d broken, deeds unfinished, floating free Stalactites weeping tears of stone from inner places of my own Eternal icicles were wet and dripping from my very soul Into a likeness growing clearer, images were drawing nearer Of a child so much dearer than one huddled in a hole There I sat and in my sorrow, found a stone that I could borrow Gem of beauty for tomorrow’s memories so rich and pure All the rooms of loneliness, the crystal glass of homeliness The spiral thoughts of only-ness I soon would leave behind the door In closets of apology, in hallways of astrology Through windows of psychology, no stone unturned or left behind Then filtering through rocky ceiling, chimes of hope were softly peeling Light of day was now revealing end of journey through the mind Elizabeth Santos [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (06-08-2002 03:55 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Liz - You're an expert at meter... Who'm I to try to improve upon what you do? I'm studying this one though... and I'll get back to you later on it...  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Liz, As is usually the case, the meter is excellent. Also, this one is a fascinating read and much more difficult to do than it appears, because it reads so easily. Thanks, Pete |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Perhaps not all your lines have the same syllable count... this poem reads like a dream Liz! Not to mention the incredible complicated rhyme scheme you used! WOWSA! Can you tell I'm impressed and love your poem?  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Fantastic meter, Liz, although I do wonder why you deviated from the rhyming words in the third and eigth stanzas...at any rate, it is excellent work  |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
When I saw this poem in Open 20...I was blown away by it, and I still am. This poem is just so very impressive, the internal rhymes blended with the alternating end line rhymes made this dance on the tongue when read aloud...its cadence chants. When I saw Liz posted it here...I went and read Nan's meter lesson. I dont for a minute, pretend to understand all the rules and qualifications that meet the meter criteria for what makes a poem "perfect" nor do I possess them...but I know this poem is one to be studied and to learn from. ( as will be any suggestions Nan or anyone else would make per Liz's request to tweak and tighten.) It's definately one to admire. There I sat and in my sorrow, found a stone that I could borrow Gem of beauty for tomorrow’s memories so rich and pure All the rooms of loneliness, the crystal glass of homeliness The spiral thoughts of only-ness I soon would leave behind the door In closets of apology, in hallways of astrology Through windows of psychology, no stone unturned or left behind Then filtering through rocky ceiling, chimes of hope were softly peeling Light of day was now revealing end of journey through the mind Excellent indeed!!! |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Silly me....I forgot to ask...does this style of rhyme scheme/format have a particular name? |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Trochaic Octometer YIKES  |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Thank you Nan... YES...YIKES!!!  No wonder me moody muse runs off...she knows she has SO MUCH TO LEARN and shes dense and LAZY!!!  So, Liz? did ya know you were writing a "Trochaic Octometer" or did it just come out that way. *L*  (dont answer that..Im already feeling inadequate enough) ROFL "Trochaic Octometer" ??????????? (I bet thats a fancy word for masterpiece)  *taking my mothy butt to bed with serious poet envy* tylenol...I need tylenol.. all these big words make a moths head hurt. |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
TRochaic Octameter is an instrument used to measure the length of a tape worm with 8 sements still attached. Heck, I don't know what it is! But now I'm learning and there are corrections to be made here, including the ones Baladeer pointed out. It originally rhymed but then I made changes and forgot to change the other word that originally rhymed. Balladeer doen't miss a thinG! THank you, oh master of meter! It will be corrected.As for the syllable count, I don't know if thet is importanr to a tape worm measure. Perhaps Nan can answer that and I will certainly look it up THank you fellow classmates for reading this poem Liz |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I do believe, Poe himself would weep with joy... |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
er...er....this Dutchie goes back into the books and study some more...but always lacking time, sigh Great job done here Liz Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Lizzie~ Yes ... very interesting ... the content alone is worth the read ... I have no need to measure anything else~  *Hugs*~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Elizabeth, I am totally impressed .This is a fantastic piece of work( not surprisingly, considering its' source). Trochaic octometer? I am simply going to have to attempt one of these. Doc |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
OK - Since Liz is SUCH a wonderfully metered writer, she knows where her poem deviates... For the rest of you, I'm going to take her work line by line and break down her verse to show you where her (self-admitted) meter varies. Liz thinks and writes very naturally in iambic meter (da-DUM). It's not easy to restructure your thoughts to write trochaically (DUM-da)... That's probably why she slips back into her comfy iambic mode on some of her lines... She has a combination of iambic and trochaic lines in this poem - and I've dissected each line so you can see what she's done. I've 'assumed' that she intended to write in trochaic verse, as she begins the poem with it - But - The end of this piece really flows iambically... Don'tcha think? Here's my interpretation of the meter (Others may hear it differently)..  quote: DUM-da!! NEXT?? : [This message has been edited by Nan (06-16-2002 10:03 AM).] |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Nan, Oh my gosh, you must have spent hours. This is such a great lesson for me because I just write what sounds good to my ear and never pay attention to these details, number of syllables and number of stresses. Thank you so much for all that effort. It paid well, because now I have a new challenge in my poetry and I love challeges. You were the one who taught me how to write a sonnet, you and Hoot. Now they are easy, but this poem is more complicated because you have to pay attention to so many things. THANK YOU< THANK YOU< THANK YOU! You're the best! Liz |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
I think this was my favorite stanza-- In closets of apology, in hallways of astrology Through windows of psychology, no stone unturned or left behind Then filtering through rocky ceiling, chimes of hope were softly peeling Light of day was now revealing end of journey through the mind But it was all so good!!! I'm off to read Poe's essay--"The Philosophy of Composition". Wowzer! Do I have lots to learn! Shenachie |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well all I have to say is, HRUMMMMMMMP - Da DUM indeed! Well I printed this lesson, and I will try to figure out what the heck you are trying to say here. This would be a mystery to me why it would possibly be all that important to take all that time to count out stuff, (don't you lose your trend of thought doing that? LOL) Now of course you two have me wondering why you are my best friends, when my dum doesn't even da close to yours, or my da definitely is not dumming and probably wont ever. The sad part of this whole thing is I spent more time writing this comment than it would have taken me to do a whole poem in the submission area like I normally do, (picking a picture included) LOL, No wonder they call this the WORKshop! Maybe I should start a SLACKERshop? Seriously though Liz you are the best, and Nan, how the heck did you get so darn knowledgeable for crying out loud anyway, must have been a lot of work? Ahhh, that would explain why you head up the WORKshop now wouldn't it? [This message has been edited by Mysteria (06-18-2002 02:59 AM).] |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Liz ... this was absolutely wonderful, and Nan ... you did a marvelous job of breaking down the lines for everyone. What an excellent post to bookmark! Very much enjoyed Liz!  Best wishes, /Kit |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
quote: Well, Sharon - Someone had to WORK and someone had to SHOP... and you got first choice... BUT - Maybe we COULD open that SLACKERshop... Good plan... You can still SHOP... I'll do the SLACKING  |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
I would like to thank all who responded to this poem. I thouroughly enjoyed some of the comments (including Mysterias comments very much in character)but special thanks to Nan for her diligent lesson on meter. Kit, this was a lesson for me which I will also keep as a reference, or else I'll just refer to your poetry which is faultless. Thank you all Liz Wish I had more time here, but I'm pretty bust right now |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
sorry you're bust, Liz....but I love to see you whenever you show up  |
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