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My Mom - Assignment #2
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My Mom - Assignment #2 |
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amigo Senior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 520the earth school |
My Mom - Assignment #2 The day is rich with thoughts that fall in rain My mind is full of her, my mom, my pride The stars in glow, with bright smile seem all plain For she outshines them all, I must confide. I long to be with her ~ a love so pure The thought of her brings cheer to fill my heart So strong but tender, a guide and friend for sure To be like her, is my wish from the start. If I were a kite, I would be flown to her No sea, or mount would rise up to the height Floating I will be on ~ celestial sphere Bedecked with joy and clad in great delight. Its how I feel I should send her my love Icon of strength she is ~ gift from above. Here's my second attempt, and have taken help from Munda...waiting (biting my nails)...for your response....Thank you all...  |
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| © Copyright 2002 amigo - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
MiAmigo~ This is beautiful~ You're thoughts are such a lovely tribute to your mother~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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amigo Senior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 520the earth school |
Hey Marge, good to see you..thank you for your words and for the inspire too... |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
I've seen this sonnet grow from the very beginning and am very impressed with the end result! Except for some small meter thingies - I hope Nan will help you with those, since my brain is completely empty at the moment - you did extremely well amigo! I know how much work you've put into this assigment. You did great!  |
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amigo Senior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 520the earth school |
Thank you, Munda, for all your help and your words here....small meter thingys...ok, i'm waiting for those...hope i'll be able to fix them... |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Small meter thingies... Let's see what we've got here.. The day is rich with thoughts that fall in rain - (iambic pentameter intact) My mind is full of her, my mom, my pride - (intact) The stars in glow, with bright smile seem all plain - (intact) For she outshines them all, I must confide. - (intact) I long to be with her ~ a love so pure - (intact) The thought of her brings cheer to fill my heart - (intact) So strong but tender, a guide and friend for sure - (one syllable off - try deleting 'a') To be like her, is my wish from the start. - (intact) If I were a kite, I would be flown to her - (slightly off - try 'Were I a kite') No sea, or mount would rise up to the height - (intact) Floating I will be on ~ celestial sphere (slightly off - try 'Afloat I'll be upon') Bedecked with joy and clad in great delight. (intact) Its how I feel I should send her my love - (intact) Icon of strength she is ~ gift from above. - (slightly off - try 'she's my') This isn't bad at all - The parts that didn't flow properly in iambic pentameter are pretty minor. If you make the changes I've suggested (always YOUR choice), it would sound like this. quote:  |
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amigo Senior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 520the earth school |
oooo...thank you, Nan...do you think that i'm slooooowly getting it...i like it better with the little changes you made, especially, the line, 'afloat i will....', ummm, that's why you are the teach and me..way far behind, trying to reach...so, here's to you....  |
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