»
Main Forums
»
Poetry Workshop
»
Beneath The Tree Of Life
| Poetry Workshop |
|
Beneath The Tree Of Life |
|
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Beneath The Tree Of Life Beneath the tree of life I lay my head; Lost in tranquillity of life's embrace, The leaves of past and present well imbed, While future gently covers up my face. A memory escapes in silent squall, The hidden depths of what my heart conceals; But yesterday's reflections can't enthral, The daily blithefulness which life reveals. With dewdrop tears I bid farewell to past, For future will bestow leaves from above; Astonished comprehension at long last; At least I've known the beauty of true love. Lost in tranquillity of life's embrace, Beneath the tree of life I rest my case. Munda |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Munda - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Oh I've still a lot to learn, reading this. Just beautiful, you deserve another apple. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
||
|
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Munda - I absolutely LOVE this piece... What a wondrous introspective reverie... You're really quite astounding, m'friend. Every time I read one of your masterpieces, I do so in awe - and find myself shaking my head in disbelief that you have mastered English sooo well that you can make your poetic words so darned mellifluent... Does this mean I have to share my apples, Titia??...  GEESH...  |
||
Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Munda it wasn't until I read Nan's comment I realized that English must be a second language to you, and I have to tell you that your command of it far exceeds a lot of people that hold English as their first language. What a wonderful piece of poetry, and I still can not master a sonnet, and trust me I am trying. This was astounding, thank you for sharing it. ~* CARPE' DIEM *~ |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Munda, you wonderful lady, first of all, let me echo Nan's sentiments. To write as good as you do in itself is a great accomplishment, without throwing in the challenge of doing it in a second language. You remind me of Ayn Rand, in a way, a born Russian who wrote the most spectacular English I have ever seen. Hat's off to you... Now let's go after this poem...  Actually the poem is perfection personified with the exception of one phrase found in two places. Sonnets are generally written in iambic (da DUM da DUM da DUM, etc). There is nothing that says they cannot also be written in trochaic (Da dum DA dum DA dum) or even a combination of the two, as long as the appearance of them is constant. For example, lines 1 and 3 being iambic with 2 and 4 being trochaic: I'll never know what made her smile at me Passion I had never known or needed Passed through me like a wave upon the sea Leaving my defenses all defeated. In your sonnet, everything is iambic except the line "Lost in tranquility of life's embrace". It begins trochaic, with the accent on Lost...but even the trocaic breaks down and does not remain true. LOST in tranQUILitY of LIFE'S emBRACE As you see, the second and third syllables (in tran) are both short, killing the rythym. I would think that, reading this poem, you probably had the feeling that that line simply did not sound as smooth as the others....and that is why. Personally, I would change the line to iambic, as all other lines are: While lost in tranquil feel of Life's embrace or Tranquility is found in Life's embrace Since sonnets follow such a stringent structure, there are certain combinations that will simply not work together..."in tranquility" is one of those. No matter how you use it, you are going to have those two unaccented syllables following each other (in tran). Get rid of that and the sonnet is absolute perfection!! |
||
|
Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Very well written, Munda I loved the whole theme of the poem and the last two lines were great! A wonderful piece Liz |
||
|
Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Munda, You never cease to amaze. This was a beautiful read. I have to agree with Balladeer though as I too lost the rythm on those lines. Thanks to his explanation, I now not only know why, but also what it's called. More to study. Doc |
||
|
Suetang Member Ascendant
since 2001-03-07
Posts 5187Melbourne, Australia |
Hello Munda This was so very beautiful and your words flowed so very well. Take care....Sue Suetang |
||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Thank you Titia. I think I may have enough apples to make us an "appeltaart." Would you like coffee with that?  Nan - Thank you for your always praising words. I wouldn't be where I am today without people like you around, who give me confidence in my own skills. Thank YOU! Also my gratitude for pointing out "beatitude" has four syllables and not three as I thought for many years. What would I do without you? (Most likely I'd blush a lot less!  )Mysteria - Thank you, thank you, thank you! I consider it a great compliment you assumed me to be a native English poet. My thanks for taking the time to read and reply. ~smiles~ Balladeer - What can I say when a gifted poet takes the time not only to read and reply to my poetry, but also takes the time to point out my errors and even explains the why, what, where and when. Ahum... well, something like that. I can only say: "Thank you!" I somehow knew that specific line wasn't "right", but I couldn't figure out why. Now I know and have learned something new. If I may, I'll ask Nan to edit it to: "While lost in tranquil feel of Life's embrace", geesh I really love that line. Thank you for your help. Elizabeth - It's always such a pleasure to see your name attached to one of my poems. Thank you for your kind words M'Lady. Dr. Moose - Amazement and in agreement with Balladeer? Oh boy, have stranger things ever happened? Just kidding you Doc, thank you for taking the time to read and reply and for once I couldn't agree with you more... back to class, there's a whole lot more to study. Sue - Thank you for dropping by at the Workshop and your kind words. I hope we'll see more of you. [This message has been edited by Munda (01-27-2002 06:27 PM).] |
||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Since the replies to my sonnet wouldn't make much sense if I'd ask Nan to edit it, I decided to post the final version as a reply instead. Beneath The Tree Of Life Beneath the tree of life I lay my head; While lost in tranquil feel of Life's embrace, The leaves of past and present well imbed, While future gently covers up my face. A memory escapes in silent squall, The hidden depths of what my heart conceals; But yesterday's reflections can't enthral, The daily blithefulness that life reveals. With dewdrop tears I bid farewell to past, For future will bestow leaves from above; Astonished comprehension at long last; At least I've known the beauty of true love. While lost in tranquil feel of Life's embrace, Beneath the tree of life I rest my case. © Copyright 2002 Munda |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Absolutely gorgeous, Munda! Lovely indeed! |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Sheer perfection, Munda!!!  |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Here you go, Munda! I've replaced the original with the revised sonnet! http://artisticwords.homestead.com/Munda.html Check out her Seagull poem everybody...one of my favorites! |
||
Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Munda~ Stunningly beautiful~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Munda, Sorry I have been so slow in commenting on this one. It is simply beautiful. I love it. I don't see anything to change in the final revision. Thanks, Pete |
||
|
Tracey Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808where insanity meets breeding |
Lovely Munda. This really flows along. You have this sonnet thing worked out...wanna teach me?? Lol. Just kidding, I think I'll have to pass on this months class..this sonnet thing just isn't coming to me!! If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please? |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
