Winter Sunrise (my first attempt at sonnet!)

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cwebb
Junior Member

since 2002-01-19

Posts 34

0 posted 2002-01-20 04:23 PM

In darkest night, I rose to seek the absent sun
When birds began to chatter in those farthest trees.
I heard them sing – and peering, I saw one
Brush closely by my window, borne on errant breeze.

I sensed the night draw close her velvet gown
And stood, unbreathing, as the day began to rise.
He peered from ‘round her skirts, and teasing, found
A shining star to challenge for possession of the skies.

and chiding laughter from the hidden, waiting birds
called winter’s daylight to his task in clearest words.

Hmm. Lots I'd like to change about this - but I'm not sure how at this point. I'm wide open to suggestion... please! Especially on the meter... I've never done it before! and you're right, it is very much a challenge! And also - I posted this to Nan's assignment thread (and then realized that everyone posts their things separately - sorry!) Eh, well, never said I was the brightest bulb on the string...

Carol

p.s. Nan- thank you! There are no clear instructions (guess sometimes I needed to be gently led - and other times, less gently!)

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

1 posted 2002-01-20 07:58 PM

Hi Carol, welcome to class, you'll enjoy it here (as long as you behave and bring apples for the teach

)

I like your poem, it's not quite a sonnet yet, but hey, I'm not qualified at all to judge, as I'm still learning myself.

Just wait, someone who can explain it all to you will pop in here soon.

Have a great time and I'll see you in the playground when school's out.

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link.

Tracey
Member Elite

since 2001-08-29

Posts 2808
where insanity meets breeding

2 posted 2002-01-20 08:06 PM

Not sure that I can help you with any changes. Like Titia, I’m still learning myself. It looked like a sonnet to me, but what do I know? I will be interested to come back and see what others who know more, have to say.

If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please?

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

3 posted 2002-01-21 11:59 AM

Welcome, Carol... Nice to see you - and don't worry about posting on the other thread - You did that before you were approved to post yourself anyway...

About your poem.. It's a pretty good start, actually.. You've got the iambic part down pretty well - Your pentameter has extra feet in some lines though - I'll show you where..

quote:

In darkest night, I rose to seek the absent sun (six LONG beats)
When birds began to chatter in those farthest trees. (six LONG beats)
I heard them sing – and peering, I saw one (5 - perfect)
Brush closely by my window, borne on errant breeze. (six LONG beats)

I sensed the night draw close her velvet gown (5 - perfect)
And stood, unbreathing, as the day began to rise. (six LONG beats)
He peered from ‘round her skirts, and teasing, found (5 - perfect)
A shining star to challenge for possession of the skies. (seven LONG beats)

and chiding laughter from the hidden, waiting birds (six LONG beats)
called winter’s daylight to his task in clearest words. (six LONG beats)

You can easily adapt this to iambic pentameter (five LONG beats per line). Here are some suggestions - as always - Ignore them if you don't like them - It's YOUR poem.

quote:

In darkest night, I sought the absent sun
When birds all chattered in those farthest trees.
I heard them sing – and peering, I saw one
Brush by my window, borne on errant breeze.

I sensed the night draw close her velvet gown
And stood, unbreathing, with the day's arise.
He peered from ‘round her skirts, and teasing, found
A star, a challenge to possess the skies.

and chiding laughter from the hidden birds
called winter’s daylight to his task in words.

Other than that - a true sonnet needs fourteen lines - You can add another quatrain before the final couplet to complete your work as a sonnet...

What a GREAT first effort... um.. Where's my apple???..

[This message has been edited by Nan (01-26-2002 08:56 AM).]

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

4 posted 2002-01-21 01:00 PM

I really don't think anyone could explain it any better than you Nan.

Caroline, this is a great start! I'm sure with Nan's explanation and 4 more lines you can turn this in an awesome sonnet in no time. Looking forward to it!

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