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Word Prisoners
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Word Prisoners |
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Class Member
since 1999-12-21
Posts 93In Poetry Class |
Forward: This is from one of the members of the Writer's Group that was recently formed in my town.This author would like some ideas on any editing that you think might be needed, as well as any feedback as to your impressions on the poem. Thanks for ALL of your input!Sunshine ~*~ WORD PRISONERS Words—prisoners in my mind Thoughts, trapped in my brain Migraine! When I was a child in the company of adults, I couldn’t wait to grow up So that I might say something! I grew up and was speechless. I had been over-trained. I had been told what to think. Originality silenced. Creativity stifled. Anger! Now the words are afraid to come out. I’m searching for my voice. It comes and goes. I stammer. I apologize. I’m dumb-founded when I’m misinterpreted. I can be corrected. Sometimes I am mistaken. I struggle to clarify, to communicate. I will continue. My voice will strengthen. My voice will be heard. I insist! ~*~ "Shenachie" 4 September 1995 Revised 10 December 2001 |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Hi there Shenachie, welcome to the blue pages of poetry, compassion and friendship. You wrote a beautiful poem wich I feel quite related to. I had been over-trained. I had been told what to think. Originality silenced. Creativity stifled. These words are so true and it's not only in words people get silenced and stifled. My eldest daughter was a very creative little girl at the age of four in her drawings. But when she entered kindergarten, she wasn't allowed anymore to color elephants red and roofs of houses blue. Within the year she lost her creativity, so she would not be 'different' from her classmates. I always felt that as a loss. In answer to Karilea's mentioning of Words Prisoner (I didn't know then she was referring to your poem) I wrote: But every time I try again putting up a fight As it is my second language they're not always right Once I will come out of prison, well I hope, I might Funny isn't it? You just write your words dear, for they have come out super. Don't let anyone silence you anymore, you hear. Mostly enjoyed the read, thank you for sharing Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link. [This message has been edited by Titia Geertman (01-20-2002 07:16 AM).] |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Ahhh, free verse! One form of poetry I find very difficult to write ever since Nan got me addicted to structured poetry. As soon as I start writing I find myself counting syllables and search for style and meter. Yeah it drives me crazy from time to time, but then... that's exactly what I am.  Mostly I find it rather difficult to read free verse, because of a lack of punctuation and therefore sort of stop at the end of each line. Your poem however was "easy" to read, except for this line: "So that I might say something!" I'm sure it has to do with being foreign, but I can't figure out why you gave an extra linebreak with this particular line and not with other lines, like: "I'm dumb-founded when I'm misinterpreted. I can be corrected. Sometimes I am mistaken." Just my two cents and not to be taken too seriously.  Other than that I really enjoyed your poem and it expresses very well the battle between the need to fit in and the need (and courage) to be yourself. Well done! Looking forward to see more! Munda [This message has been edited by Munda (01-20-2002 09:16 AM).] |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
I write primarily in free verse. And so I really enjoyed reading your poem. The rhythm read perfectly to me. The topic was universal, yet the view was personal. That was nice. There were only two things that distracted me. The word 'I' was used...alot. Though, that may simply be reflective of your style of writing. And the use of 'Migraine', I'm not sure about. Though, when I read it...'Migraine, Anger, I insist'...it does work. Just my thoughts. Really enjoyed the read! Almost forgot...love the title! [This message has been edited by Duncan (01-20-2002 11:56 PM).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Shenachie - I am also a self-proclaimed poetic structuralist... I do enjoy good free verse, however... Free verse, to be good, must really paint a vivid picture in words... I think you've done a nice job of that here. Your opening stanza is very strong, with a great visual of all those words locked up in your cerebral prison... Great metaphor!! You continue in a similar mode - You describe your mood... Then you slam it out in a single word... Nice.. I like that.. Your final stanza changes a bit, in that you deviate from the "MOOD" you're asserting.. The only change I might make would be to amend the "I insist" line to a single word that would mean the same... still ending the poem with a punch... Just my humble opinion... Don't listen to any advice you don't like - It's your poem, after all - Can we see more, btw????...  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Nan, I happen to know that our Shenachie has joined Passions, but hasn't yet made her own debut. I would like to thank everyone for taking a moment and reading her poem. This is an edited version of what she presented to our writing group. I am sure she will be quite pleased to see the additional comments on this since last week. When she does make her debut, I hope you will all take a moment to welcome her. She is a brilliant lady and I do believe, her well of poetry runs quite deep, indeed. |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Thanks to all of you for your generous response. A special thanks to Sunshine for her kind introduction. This poem is one that I care about and I do think that it needs some polishing. Herein lies a thought that I need to express. I appreciate the suggestions on how I might say it better. Thanks! |
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