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Before Words Run Out
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Before Words Run Out |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
When all's become a message left for you Then is begun your task (to whit) transcribe in total as seen from your point of view though cursed do not succumb to diatribe No simple act shall e'er be as before nor object without meaning born of thought A life-time not enough as you'd explore the intricasies of creation wrought Those moments you have squandered you shall rue that they were not engaged in this pursuit De-cry, these older eyes " I am not through " at point in time which long has become moot and so before does sound that final bell take one last look around, then write like Hell |
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Canuckster Member
since 2002-01-09
Posts 285New Mexico, USA |
OK, here's where the new guy take a risk and tries to critique something and either impresses everyone or reveals his ignorance for all (or more likely something inbetween.) There's a lot of good things in this sonnet. Meter-wise with a few exceptions I think you have the flow. Content-wise, it feels a little contrived and some of the constructs feel overly archaic. More direct comments tied to the poem itself below: When all's become a message left for you Then is begun your task (to whit) transcribe in total as seen from your point of view though cursed do not succumb to diatribe (Rhymes are clean, the meter is clean. I'm a little confused as to what exactly you are discussing here. The title isn't much help. Perhaps I'm just dense, but I'm not caught into what the dilemma is entirely) No simple act shall e'er be as before nor object without meaning born of thought A life-time not enough as you'd explore the intricasies of creation wrought (Again good rhyme and meter with two exceptions. E'er is a common contraction to preserve meter but it is rarely used in modern work and tends to draw criticism as being archaic. You have a forced iamb in the use of the word "intracasies." Read the word out loud without reading it in the context of the poem. You need to read it with a stronger emphasis on the 3rd syllable than it is usually pronounced in order to preserve your meter. You're using some license here to make it fit in a way it is not normally pronounced. It's not a fatal nor an uncommon thing, but it does represent some forcing that makes it feel a little awkward to me in the full contect of the poem.) Those moments you have squandered you shall rue that they were not engaged in this pursuit De-cry, these older eyes " I am not through " at point in time which long has become moot (Good meter and rhyme again. The Hyphen is not necessary in my opinion.) and so before does sound that final bell take one last look around, then write like Hell (A playful couplet. The use of "does sound" is archaic and is a common contruction in sonnets to preserve meter. Does is actually superfilous in this context in normal speech and so it raises an unnatural feel in my opinion.) I think this is an excellent sonnet in terms of the ability it shows and by doing these types of sonnets we sharpen our skills. In comparison with the other one of yours I read, however it feels weaker and I hope I've been fair and helpful in explaining why. Bart never try to teach a pig to sing it wastes your time AND annoys the pig [This message has been edited by Canuckster (01-15-2002 10:10 AM).] |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Bart, I am (b) now going to admit something that I have only hinted at before. Every single thing that I write is written as it occurs to me . In time, with the help of all these here, I will write poetry that will stop the clock, make people take back that which wasn't stolen, and, lead us all to a better tommorrow.If this sounds like the ravings of a megolomaniac, just write it off to the fact that I love words. Doc PS. Your critique was quite insightful. I did notice that you used the word " Archaic " Yes. Indeed true. I do use not only words that are considered as such, but also phrasing to lend a touch of history to my writings. Thanks for your reply. Doc |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
My first inkling when reading this piece was: "this would do well with a bit more punctuation." On re-reading, I believe the punctuation is quite essential so as not to confuse your reader. I agree with Bart in that your first stanza is a bit vague -- a few carefully placed commas might assist the reader in understanding where one thought begins and the other ends, thereby allowing him to divert more attention to the spirit of the poem than to the mechanisms. I have tried to curb "specific" suggestions in critique, for fear of unconsciously rewriting someone else's work, so let me just say this: read the poem aloud. Where you pause, consider putting a comma. If you take a breath, perhaps a semicolon -- and if you finish a thought, insert a period. Then, read it again to make sure it rings natural. The final couplet was quite effective, and a welcome chuckle besides. "Before does sound" is a bit awkward, but I think the smattering of archaic phrasing lends a "grandfatherly" tone to the poem which fits the theme snugly. ~Linda |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Linda, Advice accepted in the spirit with which it was given. Punctuation? Those are those pesky little marks that help things make sense aren't they? That is something I definately need to work on. Thanks, and you're right, I am a grandfather, a Very Young grandfather, but a grandfather none the less. Doc [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (01-16-2002 06:29 PM).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Hey GrampaMoose... How kewl..  I've gotta say that I'm happy these folks are coming out of their critiquing closets here... They've done a pretty good job of it too... I do want to add - in Moose defense - I personally LIKE the use of so-called archaic syntax... I think it adds significantly to the ambience of a piece... (note - hyphen rule - hyphens are used in double adjectives such as 'so-called' above)  |
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