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anonymousfemale
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since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo

0 posted 2002-01-10 12:04 PM



Release

A tentacle sprung from a sad dear bloom,
To which eerie flashes spoke out in tongues.
She sighed a deep sweet breath of pure gloom,
At the death slithering into her lungs.

Darkness came about with a fit so grey
While fluidly, linctus seeped in a vein.
The eyes of a patcher detailed dismay
For efforts at keeping her were inane.

Feathered faces of golden perfection,
Filled her court like a dazzling cyclone.
As a bleak motion towards her protection,
Meant removing life to places unknown.

Alas! She then left her realm of despair,
In gathered seams of Septembers dense air.

------------

Ok this is my very first sonnet. If you could pick at it and tell me where it needs fixing, it'd be really, really nice.

Elizabeth



If this is all the world has to offer, I want a refund on my life.

© Copyright 2002 Elizabeth Johnson - All Rights Reserved
Elizabeth
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since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871
Minnesota
1 posted 2002-01-10 10:22 PM


I'll help you if you'll help me, Elizabeth (did I ever tell you that you have a very pretty name? ).

I think you've done a good job here, especially for a first attempt. The only problem I could find was with the meter.

A tentacle sprung from a sad dear bloom,--good, both the meter and the image

These next three lines the meter was a bit awkward:
To which eerie flashes spoke out in tongues.
She sighed a deep sweet breath of pure gloom,
At the death slithering into her lungs.

Darkness came about with a fit so grey
While fluidly, linctus seeped in a vein.--meter is good here
The eyes of a patcher detailed dismay
For efforts at keeping her were inane.--again, a bit awkward, as it is in the next four

Feathered faces of golden perfection,
Filled her court like a dazzling cyclone.
As a bleak motion towards her protection,
Meant removing life to places unknown.

Alas! She then left her realm of despair,
In gathered seams of Septembers dense air.--in these last two lines, the meter is good

I'll show you what I mean by awkward. Nan has said iambic pentameter reads like this:
da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM
with the accent on every other syllable. That's how the meter was in the first line, for example.
a TEN ta CLE sprung FROM a SAD dear BLOOM

In other lines however, the meter seemed forced.
For example:
feath ERED fa CES of GOL den PER fec TION

If this line was said in a conversation, it would be accented as such: FEATH ered FA ces of GOL den per FEC tion (at least it would be when I speak, lol) See what I mean?

Other than the meter problems, this was very nicely done. I'll look for more sonnets by you.

God bless America, my home sweet home.

Munda
Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands
2 posted 2002-01-12 06:11 AM


This is indeed a great first effort and I couldn't have explained the meter any better than Elizabeth did. If you work a little more on this poem, I'm sure it will be a sonnet in no time. Very well done and I'm looking forward to more.
anonymousfemale
Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
3 posted 2002-01-12 10:58 AM


Thank you so much for that, Elizabeth! I usually write in freeverse for everything so actually having to stick to a format was a culture shock...hehe. All that info you gave me is a godsend. That combined with Nans information will definitely be useful.

Thank you too, Munda. When I revise it and attempt to actually make the meter the way it's meant to go, I'll repost it or maybe try something different.

Oh and yes, Elizabeth is a very pretty name.

~AF~

If this is all the world has to offer, I want a refund on my life.

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
4 posted 2002-02-10 09:51 AM


These kind ladies know of what they speak...  

Let's see what I might add..

A-TENT/a-CLE/sprung-FROM/a-SAD/dear-BLOOM - (This line works)
TO/which-EER/ie-FLASH/es-SPOKE/out-in-TONGUES - (Your meter is off a bit here)

Suggestion - with-EER/ie-FLASH/es-SPOK/en-OUT/in-TONGUES
she-SIGHED/a-DEEP/sweet-BREATH/of-PURE/gloom (You're short one syllable)
Suggestion - she-SIGHED/a-DEEP/sweet-BREATH/of-PURE/est-GLOOM
at-the-DEATH/SLITH/er-ING/in-TO/her-LUNGS (The meter is a bit off  here)
Suggestion – as-DEATH/was-SLITH/er-ING/in-TO/her-LUNGS
DARK/ness-CAME/a-BOUT/with-a-FIT/so-GREY – (One little syllable change will fix the meter)
Suggestion – a-DARK/ness-CAME/a-BOUT/with-FIT/so-GREY
while-FLU/id-LY/LINC/tus-SEEPED/in-a-VEIN – (The meter is off a bit)
Suggestion – while-FLU/id-LY/as-LINC/tus-SEEPED/in-VEIN (this adds a little word play as well)
the-EYES/of-a-PATCH/er-de-TAILED/dis-MAY – (The meter is off again)
Suggestion - a-PATCH/ers-EYES/de-TAILED/a-DEEP/dis-MAY
for-EF/forts-at-KEEP/ing-her-WERE/in-ANE – (Moving one syllable will do it)
Suggestion - for-EF/forts-AT/her-KEEP/ing-WERE/in-ANE
FEATH/ered-FAC/es-of-GOLD/en-per-FEC/tion, - (This line ends in the wrong meter – a different end rhyme is necessary to fix it)
Suggestion – as-FEATH/ered-FAC/es-GOLD/en-TO/per-FECT
FILLED/her-COURT?like-a-DAZ/zl-LING/cy-CLONE – (a little schmoozing here)
Suggestion – her-COURT/filled-LIKE/-a-DAZ/zl-LING/cy-CLONE
as-a-BLEAK/MO/tion-to-WARDS/her-pro-TECT/ion, - (end rhyme needs changing)
Suggestion – a-MO/tion-BLEAK/to-WARDS/her-TO/pro-TECT
meant-re-MOV/ing-LIFE/to-PLAC/es-un-KNOWN. – (A slight meter adjustment needed)
Suggestion - re-MOV/ing-LIFE/to-PLAC/es-YET/un-KNOWN
a-LAS/she-THEN/LEFT/her-REALM/of-de-SPAIR – (Meter adjustment in order)
Suggestion - a-LAS/she-THEN/de-PART/ed-HER/de-SPAIR
in-GATH/ered-SEAMS/of-sep-TEM/bers-dense-AIR – (One syllable moved fixes it)
Suggestion - in-GATH/ered-SEAMS/of-DENSE/sep-TEM/ber-AIR

Your theme flows nicely and your rhyme scheme is intact.. That part is great.  The meter is always the problem…   Remember  - These are only suggestions.  Take what you like – Ignore the rest.  Here’s how your sonnet would read with the changes.


quote:

A tentacle sprung from a sad dear bloom,
With eerie flashes spoken out in tongues.
She sighed a deep sweet breath of purest gloom,
As death was slithering into her lungs.

A darkness came about with fit so grey
While fluidly, as linctus seeped in vein.
A patcher’s eyes detailed a deep dismay
For efforts at her keeping were inane.

As feathered faces golden to perfect,
Her court filled like a dazzling cyclone.
A motion bleak towards her to protect,
Removing life to places yet unknown.

Alas! She then departed her despair,
In gathered seams of dense September air.







[This message has been edited by Nan (02-10-2002 09:54 AM).]

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