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Elizabeth

Moderator

Member Ascendant

since 1999-06-07

Posts 6871
Minnesota

0 posted 2001-12-27 05:22 PM

I remember the days when you'd smile at me
With a grin just as light as the sun.
And your eyes were as bright as the stars in the night
Together we had so much fun.
How I wish those days could have lasted always
The times that we had so carefree.
Good things cannot last and our future's now past
How much longer will you be with me?

The stars in your eyes these days never rise
Your happiness seems to be done.
Though still sometimes you smile, it's in a great while
And as weak as a pale winter sun.
In slumber you lay, so still on this day
I gaze and then breathe a soft sigh.
Your soul has grown weak, peace your spirit does seek
And I know much too soon you will die.

God bless America, my home sweet home.

NapalmsConstantlyConfused

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 529

1 posted 2001-12-30 01:04 AM

this is an interesting new way to use images; "stars in your eyes" is cliched by itself, but here you've managed to use it in a way that wakes it back up again.
very good!
-Dave

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

2 posted 2001-12-30 10:30 PM

I like it.

Yesterday youth pondered,
Today old owl watching,
Tomorrow dust howling.

~Flower lasts so an hour, yet spring will brings her back to life again.
~Just when I thought it is too far away, opportunity knocks the door

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

3 posted 2001-12-31 01:09 PM

Elizabeth,
Descriptively worded with a nice flow, also quite sad. Makes me want to turn the clock back.
Doc

Elizabeth

Moderator

Member Ascendant

since 1999-06-07

Posts 6871
Minnesota

4 posted 2002-01-03 12:08 PM

Thank you, Dave. That's what I was trying to do with the comparisons in here.

Thank you Aries. I'm glad you liked it.

Doc, thank you as well for your kindness. I'm glad to know my writing can have an effect like that on people.

God bless America, my home sweet home.

LngJhnAg
Member Elite

since 1999-07-23

Posts 3508
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion

5 posted 2002-01-06 09:51 AM

Elizabeth - I like the flow in this, and the way you led me from my first conclusion (love ending) to the last conclusion (the person dying).

If you've read much of my work, you just have to know that I love your use of the couplets in the alternating lines. Your couplets are excellent in the way they give a kick to the reading rhythm. Does that make sense to you? I didn't express myself very well on that, but I can't seem to get a handle on describing what I mean other than to use the term 'kick'.

I feel a natural affinity for this style, and I'm glad you seem to feel that way, too.

Great write.

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

6 posted 2002-01-07 08:33 PM

I see some nice examples of both simile and personification here, Elizabeth - You've managed to use imagery quite nicely, m'friend..

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