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Water and Bread (Hebrew style)
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Water and Bread (Hebrew style) |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania 
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This is just a stab at what you described, Jim I chose an accrostic. I don't know about the rest Water and Bread Why do I need parents A father and a mother To guide me on my way? Even though I’m grown Raised and bred so well And going out on my own No need to guide me on my way Do birds need guidance too Before they migrate forth? Rarely would I need Even small advice About my going forth Don’t guide me on my way Wherever I might roam Even though I falter A parent watching over Lessening the burden Lessening the load Never will I need advice Except in times of trouble Except in times of sorrow Don’t leave me alone Elizabeth Santos |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Looks great to me Liz, WATER AND BREAD WE ALL NEED what a great, clear and ringing message... regards, sudhir |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Elizabeth: Nice offering, Elizabeth. At times it seemed as though the acrostic controlled the line but with lines this short I would be surprised if it did not seem that way. You may want to consider losing the acrostic to smooth the flow of your lines. Just a suggestion. The message, as Sudhir mentioned, is a clear and ringing one that ought to be resounded more often.  Jim |
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Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Elizabeth, This is very good. I enjoy acrostics so much. One of my favorite poems ever is Psalm 119 which is written a little differently (each stanza starting with a letter of the Hebrew alphabet- 22 stanzas in all... it is very long but rich!) I think one has written a good acrostic if and only if the poem stands as a genuinely good poem apart from its acrosticism (is that a word??). In other words, a person should be able to read it without knowing the acrostic element and say 'wow that was a good poem!' only to discover in amazement later that an acrostic scheme was hidden inside! Yours is a good poem I think apart from the acrostic element. One suggestion if I may, and this of course is only my opinion... acrostics to me are much better with straight left margins (not centered) so that the acrostic word (or whatever) can be easily seen with the eye. It needs to be possible that the acrostic word can be discovered by a reader without actually being informed "hey this is an acrostic". Centering every line makes this very hard to do. Anyway, Great job I thought. Keep writing 'em. |
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