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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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he walks in, carrying the darkness, the gloom, and all of his lost hopes in his back pocket. he pulls them out, as he always has, and hands them to his wife, who, in taking them, drops to the floor... the sheer bulk of them now too much for her to bear, she recedes into the darkness, vanishes within the gloom, searching for his lost hope, and in so doing, loses her own. Kristine [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-19-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kristine I have to say I'm ecstatic to be the first to be able to congratulate you on this piece .. For me this was without a shadow of a doubt the best thing I've seen from you. I just loved the allusion to wages/cash, and the simplicity but profound sadness of the poem just really got to me for some reason. If I have any criticism at all it would be that these three lines seem somehow to be a little cumbersome: "she recedes into the darkness, vanishes within the gloom, searching for his lost hope," I'm at work (believe it or not) at the moment so can't give it much thought but up till that point the poem had been very "punchy" and it just seemed to get at little bogged down. "and in so doing, loses her own." This ending was brilliant I thought. Very very very well done Kris. Philip |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
I can't tell you the things Philip told you, as I know very little about free verse, but I know when I like what I read and I like this very much  P.s. I like this version better than the other one [This message has been edited by Munda (edited 02-19-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: I really liked this one. The last two lines (I agree with Philip) were brilliant and I loved the way you paralleled Lines 2, 3, & 4 with: she recedes into the darkness, vanishes within the gloom, searching for his lost hope, Seeing this parallel helped to drive home the message of this poem. Well done with this, Kris. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, Thank you so much for your too kind words...I don't believe I've ever had "brilliant"used before in reference to any of my work. I'll see what I can do with those lines you mentioned. Thanks again, Philip Munda, Thank you also, and sorry about the double posting. I tried to pull up the poem in warmhrt's place and it wasn't there. I hit new topic, and found I was able to post on the forum....so I just discovered there were two. The other is gone now...I hope. Jimteach, A "brilliant" from you also!!! Is there something going on I don't know about...do you and Philip have some kind of plan, maybe to make me a little less fiesty???  Seriously, thank you so very much. Coming from you, as with Philip, it means a lot. You are both very good poets and critics. Grasshoppa there's a hell of a good universe next door;lets go ~ e. e. cummings |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Well maybe “brilliant” was a little OTT, let’s just settle for “scintillatingly fantastic” shall we .Meanwhile Jim of course is right about the balance achieved by the three lines he mentioned and I certainly didn’t mean for you to cut them out, they just seemed a teeny bit long maybe, but who am I to say that about such a good poem. P PS Jim btw is in a different league to me on critiques .. listen to him not me ... as Manuel said to Basil Fawlty in that magnificent BBC (note well Jim B - B - C) comedy series “Fawlty Towers” .. “I know Nothing Meester Fawlty ... I know Nothing...” ..lol PPS Can’t think what came over me .. a fit of uncharacteristic humbleness .. you better ignore the PS ..... |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Let me begin with a simple, "I like it" I find free verse a bit of a challenge to critique, as there are no rules to judge by. "I like it" or "Not" seems to be the key. Why do I like it, though? First, and foremost, you've expressed a universal truth here. In just about every marriage, one spouse or the other invariably makes more sacrifices than the other. While it seems, as a female, that it's more often the wife, I'm sure there are many a husband who could relate to this work. The giver keeps on giving and the taker keeps on taking... That's the story of an imbalanced relationship, isn't it? Nicely done, Kris.. Your entire poem speaks as an extended metaphor for the darker side of our self-esteem issues, along with their effects on those who love us... You've done a great job here... I like it... Did I say that???..  |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, I'll ignore the P.S., but in my opinion, you are too often humble, in the light of your abilities. But then I don't want ya going too far in the other direction either. Nan, I'm glad you liked this piece, and yes, it could describe any codependent relationship. I noticed your little smart asterisk ... you're one of us, too? Thanks, Nan, Kris All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe |
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