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You Softly Whisper
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You Softly Whisper |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648
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My name you softly whisper to me, Love, “Come take my hand, come share a dance with me” Beneath star-studded canopy above In dreams you sing to me unendingly. You sweep me off my feet into the past And carry me to days of long ago To times of stardust charm not meant to last Those magic scenes to me you kindly show. In warm embrace your arms around me fold And tenderly you kiss my tear-stained face “Your treasured memories I’ll safely hold And guard them well for you from time’s erase.” And in the commonplace of each new day New memories you weave along the way. Denise And slight is the sting of his trouble Whose winnings are less than his worth; For he who is honest is noble, Whatever his fortunes or birth.~~~Alice Cary, ~Nobility~ [This message has been edited by dsnyder (edited 01-28-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Denise - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
How beautiful...made this romantics heart go pitter patter  |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Thanks, Ruth! I'm glad you liked it! |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Ah -- Love as a lover -- there's a bit of personification I would love to have happen upon MY life ... In a hurry now, so I'll be back later with a more in-depth, I promise! --Kess You cannot choose the way of your death, but the path you choose will determine its own end. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Denise, how beautiful ! And I see you're a sonnet expert too now Great work ! |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Okay, Kess! *shaking in my shoes at being in-depthed*  Thanks, Munda, I'm glad you liked it...seems I can't write anything but sonnets anymore! |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Oh Denise, give those poor shoes a break! This was great! OK, what YOU have done, milady, is to artfully personify Love in the strictest sense -- you address "him" as a person. In addition, you have done so in a lovely sonnet, which to me is enough for an "A" in and of itself ...  There was one line over which I stumbled, however, mostly because it does not refer directly (enough) to its implied subject. In line 8, though I realize you are still in your dialogue with Love, the lack of a clear subject, in addition to an unusual arrangement in your phrasing, detaches the line from the continuity of the poem. Those magic moments, kindly, to me show. might be rearranged to include a subject and to keep the spirit of the line: Those magic scenes to me you kindly show. Just my opinion -- otherwise, I have no complaint whatsoever. It is even lovely as-is, should you prefer to keep it as such. --Kess PS: Lines 11 and 12 were my favorite ...  You cannot choose the way of your death, but the path you choose will determine its own end. |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Wow! That wasn't so bad! *wiping sweat from brow and breathing a sigh of relief* whew! I, too, was stumbling over that line, but didn't know why. Thanks so much for that wonderful suggestion, I love it and that is what it shall be! 11 and 12 were my favorite lines as well and were, in fact, the inspiration for the rest of the poem...I guess you can say I sometimes write 'backwards'...or think 'backwards'! Thanks for taking the time to critique this, Kess! And thanks for the 'A'! Denise |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Denise It deserved an 'A' from the very first line - a well written romantic sonnet though immediately goes off the top end of the scale as far as I am concerned (quit sniggering Jim !).... this is one i shall print out and take to bed with me ... ~smile~ Thank you Philip |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Thank you, Philip! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Denise |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Denise: Sorry I'm so late in getting to these. Here it is close to the end of the month and I've been neglecting my classmates. I see I am not the only one who appreciates sonnets! But you frustrate me. I always get frustrated when I can't find something wrong with a sonnet's structure.  Meter, rhyme, syllable and line count, all wonderfully executed.I am curious about two things. First, Line 2's repetition of "Come, take my hand, come share a dance with me". I think you should either take away the comma after the first "Come" or change the second "come" to "and". Second, Lines 11 & 12: "'Your memories for you I’ll safely hold And guard them well for you from time’s erase.'” This is all one sentence and I think the two uses of "for you" prevent you from using a good adjective or adverb in one of their places. Just a suggestion to show you what I mean: "'Your love born memories I’ll safely hold And guard them well for you from time’s erase.'” This is a beautiful love sonnet, Denise. I'd give you an "A". Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Thanks for your input Jim. I got rid of the first comma and one of the 'for yous'. Thanks again! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I'm sorry to be so late in getting to this. Hi, we haven't been introduced yet but I'm Pete. May I call you Denise? This was very romantic and an excellent sonnet. So many others have beat me to commenting and I don't think I can add much except to say it is quite enjoyable. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Thank you for your kind words, Pete. I'm glad you enjoyed it! Yes, you may call me Denise. Thanks again, Pete! |
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