»
Main Forums
»
Poetry Workshop
»
My View From Down Here
| Poetry Workshop |
|
My View From Down Here |
|
|
Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida 
|
Apologies Nan..Ali...I just couldn't resist  He stuck me underneath the table glass Well now my friends, isn’t this just swell? I feel like a mounted and stuffed striped bass And ewww gross I think I’m starting to smell! Well now my friends, isn’t this just swell? The rosy cheeks he loves so much will bruise And ewww gross I think I’m starting to smell! It’s good that we wore the same color rouge… The rosy cheeks he loves so much will bruise My make-up he does each day without fail It’s good that we wore the same color rouge… He pays such close attention to detail My make-up he does each day without fail Death like this would only happen to me He pays such close attention to detail Certainly something I did not foresee Death like this would only happen to me All this time I thought he was such a prince Certainly something I did not foresee He’s a few fries short, I need not convince All this time I thought he was such a prince I feel like a mounted and stuffed striped bass He’s a few fries short, I need not convince He stuck me underneath the table glass |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Nicole Williams - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Hehehehehehe.... I loves this one Satiate...it was good to see that John could be tied up, drugged and thrashed within an inch of his lumberjack flannels...I can only wonder what Emily was wearing while doing this.  The meter was kinda weird to me, but that is OK...I'm a weird guy to start with. So's I guess I must now needs to find that shade of rouge...hmmm....this place needs a stick-up. Alicat, breaking out the Windex for another glass top cleaning [This message has been edited by Alicat (edited 10-20-1999).] |
||
|
Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
LMAO!! Oh, this is hilarious ... I realize you probably did this as a joke (and a good one at that!), and are not really concerned with the details of poetic protocol, but it occurred to me as I was reading it that the line "He's a few fries short, I need not convince" could be easily replaced with "He's a few fries short, I am convinced" ... the rhyme is not perfect, but it's good enough for government work!  Nocht |
||
|
Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Ali..dear...what else do you think knocked John out? lol..thanks Nocht I'm taking that suggestion into consideration. |
||
|
Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Wow this is great Satiate. What a sense of humour there is in this place. |
||
Ladycat 
since 1999-07-05
Posts 782At the edge and a doorway,TX |
Hehehehe.. The next time that you want to make someone laugh like this make sure that they are not drinking anything at the time. I'm seeing a Jerry Springer show thing going on with you and Ali. is there something that the two of you need to tell me? I loved it. Love, Lady |
||
|
DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Excellent work Satiate! This well complements Alicat's piece in tone and humor. There is but one line I see that throws your flow off; "Well now my friends, isn’t this just swell?" That line has only 9 syllables while your other lines hold 10. Other than that nitpic of mine, I see no problems with your structure or content. The word "ewww" adds quite a unique flavor to this piece that I find refreshing, it carries a poetic pungency that you just don't see enough of. It is just ripe with possibilities. ------------------ Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
"He’s a few fries short, I need not convince" I'm too busy laughing here with this one to even care about meter and rhyme....thanks for the smile on this chilly October Morning |
||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
LOL...LOL...LOL...I love the humour here in Passions ! |
||
|
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
I'm not touching it - I can't stop laughing long enough to even start - and if I tried to change anything, you'd change it right back anyway - This class is outa control!! - I knew I shouldn't have let you both in the same room at the same time - Both of you have detention today - No - I take that back - I'm no masochist - Go Trick or Treating together or something..... *shutting the class door behind me shaking head in frustration*...  [This message has been edited by Nan (edited 10-23-1999).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||