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Angel
Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551
Pennsylvania

0 posted 1999-10-19 09:11 PM


*Help! Still have NO clue about meter!

Look there! Dancing in the bleak night!
Ghouls & Goblins of every kind
Attempting to spread lots of fright
Mischief is what they've got in mind.

Ghouls & Goblins of every kind
Big ones, little ones, blue ones and green
Mischief is what they've got in mind
Causing trouble, more than you've seen.

Big ones, little ones, blue ones and green
Luring little kids to come and play,
Causing more trouble, more than you've seen
Here, on this most magical day.

Luring little kids to come and play
Screaming & shreaking, as they pass
Here, on this most magical magical day
Yelling at each small boy & lass

Screaming & shreaking as they pass
Dancing up and down on the ground
Yelling at each small boy & lass
Spreading mischief all around

Dancing up and down on the ground
Look there! Dancing in the bleak of night
Spreading mischief all around
Attempting to spread lots of fright

© Copyright 1999 Susan Acacio - All Rights Reserved
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
1 posted 1999-10-20 11:01 AM


Angel, the meter in this is a little off, I'm going to give it a try here if you don't mind. I am only making a suggestion, it's your poem, take it with a grain of salt. Also you need to exchange your second and last line in the final quatrain.

Look there! Dancing in the night!
Ghouls & Goblins every kind
Scaring people, causing fright
Mischief's what they've got in mind.

Ghouls & Goblins every kind
Big ones, small ones, blue and green
Mischief's what they've got in mind
Trouble caused more than you've seen.

Big ones, small ones, blue and green
Luring kids to come and play,
Trouble caused more than you've seen
Here, on this most magic day.

Luring kids to come and play
Screaming, shreaking, as they pass
Here, on this most magic day
Yelling at each boy & lass

Screaming, shreaking as they pass
Dancing there upon the ground
Yelling at each boy & lass
Spreading mischief all around

Dancing there upon the ground
Scaring people, causing fright
Spreading mischief all around
Look there! Dancing in the night!

(I don't know the all technical aspects or words for different meters. What I do is tap out the words with my hands as I speak them, soft, loud....the way the words are pronounced. If I can get a fairly good beat going, I know that the meter is pretty well intact. Give it a try with my revision and see if you can see what I mean. I hope that helps)

------------------
This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends. ~Eurpides


[This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 10-20-1999).]

Angel
Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551
Pennsylvania
2 posted 1999-10-20 06:55 PM


Thanks for the help, Hoot! I think I am finally get the hang of this meter stuff. It does sound a lot better with your corrections. Thanks again .
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
3 posted 1999-10-21 09:44 AM


Angel, no problem, you did all the work, I just ironed out the wrinkles just a bit
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
4 posted 1999-10-23 07:30 AM


Hey Angel - Sorry it's taken extra time to respond to this - My work schedule has gotten the best of me for a couple of days here - I guess that's why we made these workshops two weeks long.

At any rate - Your format is in proper order, and your theme develops nicely. As far as meter goes, hoot has done a very good job of "meter-mending". I wouldn't try to improve upon it now. Do notice, though, that it deviates from strict iambic mode by adding a stressed syllable at the beginning of each line... The result is that each line looks like - LONG-short-LONG-short-LONG-short-LONG (/-/-/-/). We'll be covering meter variations in a later session, though - I just wanted to point this one out for future reference.

Nice job...


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