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Ambivalence
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Ambivalence |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California 
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AMBIVALENCE Alone in darkness, donning scorn, Shadowed beneath the rage of hate, Curse I the day sweet Love was born. For I watch my Love's eyes adorn While shine in mine doth abdicate Alone in darkness, donning scorn. As Jealousy holds me, forlorn, In pains ne'er to alleviate, Curse I the day sweet Love was born. All emotion within me shorn, I lie barren, insatiate - Alone in darkness, donning scorn. Beset in death of Hope, in mourn For none lest woe disseminate, Curse I the day sweet Love was born. Every emotion in me torn, Affliction due the hand of Fate. Alone in Darkness, donning scorn, Curse I the day sweet Love was born. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Michael Anderson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Michael, you really carried the theme of this through the entire thing and I like the way you expressed yourself very much. Your rhyme is intact and the syllable count good, but I do have a problem with your meter in several spots, it just doesn't seem to flow. (Ducks the flying pieces of fruit...sorry) These are a few lines I thought the meter wasn't quite right with: For I watch my Love's eyes adorn and All emotion within me shorn, I lie barren, insatiate - Other than that, I thought it was well done |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Yeah, Hoot Owl, I was about half way done and rushed towards the end, I realized I broke up the (short/LONG) flow up when I did this. I will probably try to smoothe it out a bit later...just wanted to show something in here so you all knew I was still around. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. [This message has been edited by Michael (edited 10-10-1999).] |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I rub my hands in silent glee At this sweet opportunity To pick your little rhyme apart With evil joy deep in my heart ... At last you've posted, and I know Some fatal flaw your work will show ... With bitterness I'll fill your cup For saying I was kissing up!  Just kidding, of course, though I was tempted to make something up just cause you picked on me ... though I must admit you kind of made amends by allowing me my revenge against desperado in the fiction workshop!! So, here it is, my honest opinion: yes, the meter stumbles here and there, but the rich use of language almost makes up for it. If you can smooth out those bumps, this will be a darn good piece of work, even compared to the rest of your great stuff. I applaud you ... Nocht ------------------ "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus" (Now as I hear this bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.") |
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Starith Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 176Leesburg, FL USA |
Well I'm not great on meter...so I'm lost as to what everyone else is seeing. Guess that makes you lucky Michael...I would love to be able to point out a mastake that someone as talented as you made...sorry that's just my evil side shining through there. This is really great from what I can tell, I had to read it twice before I could get my brain to work...I was speechless the first time I read it. Great work as always! I have a small favor to ask of you...since I know that you are the moderator of Dark Passions I would love to see what you think of my villanelle...Please! Thanks for your help (I'm so sure you will give your opinion on myposting that I'm thanking you now!). Star ------------------ We are only truly apperciated after we are no more! [This message has been edited by Starith (edited 10-10-1999).] |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Nan, Help! There hitting me and throwing things at me and laughing at me I,ur ur I, ur ur I'm gonna cry......wah, wah. Seriously Nan - this iambic stuff kills me every time - show me the bad stuff so I can attempt to fix it. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Alright, since everyone Keeps hitting me with spitwads when Nan's not looking I doned my poem all overs agane. This is what it looks like now: Ambivalence Alone in darkness, donning scorn, Shadowed beneath the rage of hate, Curse I the day sweet Love was born. Watch I as eyes of Love adorn. While shine in mine doth abdicate Alone in darkness, donning scorn. As Jealousy holds me, forlorn, In pains ne'er to alleviate, Curse I the day sweet Love was born. Emotion ravaged, I lie shorn In barren waste, insatiate, Alone in darkness, donning scorn. Beset in death of Hope, in mourn For none lest woe disseminate, Curse I the day sweet Love was born. Every emotion in me torn, Affliction due the hand of Fate. Alone in Darkness, donning scorn, Curse I the day sweet Love was born. btw, go easy on me Nan, I broght you another apple and a box of Milk duds too. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. [This message has been edited by Michael (edited 10-11-1999).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
NAAAAAANNNN! Michael stole my milk duddddddssss! Ok, (grumbling under breath and whacking Michael in the back of the head with a pencil.) You dood allright here Michael. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
There'll be no Milk Duds in my class - apples are acceptable at snack time, however. Justin Kace you need an assessment here, all of your peers have done as good a job as I could - So what do ya need me for anyway??? This is excellent now that you fixed those little meter problems.... Can I have some of those Milk Duds? They're Justin Credible!!! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
This likes me much better now Michael, well done !! |
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Starith Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 176Leesburg, FL USA |
I may not know much about meter, but I know this flows alot smoother...Great job Michael. Not that I thought the other one was that bad. Star ------------------ We are only truly apperciated after we are no more! |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Much improved. Not that the last was intolerable, or anything. Nocht |
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