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Nicole
Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835
Florida

0 posted 1999-10-08 12:10 PM


Ok folks...eeeek, here goes.

The strengths I gain in life increase
A lesson learned at every turn
In such I find a sense of peace

Once married to a man caprice
For another he soon did yearn
The strengths I gain in life increase

My children two are sweet surcease
Each day they chase away concern
In such I find a sense of peace

Disease might mark my life’s decease
The morrow is the day I learn
The strengths I gain in life increase

And when collectors’ calls decrease
My life will take an upward turn
In such I find a sense of peace

Though pain and strife will never cease
And often cause my heart to burn
The strengths I gain in life increase
In such I find a sense of peace




[This message has been edited by Satiate (edited 10-08-1999).]

© Copyright 1999 Nicole Williams - All Rights Reserved
Starith
Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 176
Leesburg, FL USA
1 posted 1999-10-08 12:18 PM


This s great Satiate! I really liked this...it seemed to flow very nicely...I'm not that good at meter so I won't comment on that...LOL...I don't feel like going through and counting every syllable..it's late and I'm tired. So I'll just leave it as...looks good to me!

Star

------------------
We are only truly apperciated after we are no more!


DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396

2 posted 1999-10-08 12:20 PM


My meter bites as well, but you have done well with all the other aspects of this form.

------------------
Now and forever my heart hears ~one voice~.
DreamEvil©


Alicat
Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas
3 posted 1999-10-08 05:59 AM


Wonderful job Satiate.
Perfect iambic tetrameter, following the rhyme scheme throughout. BRAVO!!!

I'm very glad you were able to pull this one off without analyzing it to death.


Alicat
The twitterpated, satiated, kilted kitty

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
4 posted 1999-10-09 01:07 AM


I liked this...the only thing I had a problem with was this one line
"For another he soon did yearn"
to me that line inturupts the meter a bit in the rest of the poem
don't ask what I'd do with it though, because I can't tell you, no ideas here

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
5 posted 1999-10-09 11:09 AM


This certainly did develop well as a very personal overview of life... You've succeeded well at that.

Your rhyme scheme adheres well to the villanelle format, and your iambic tetrameter is fine with the exception of that one line that Ruth has pointed out...

How about "Another's muse he soon did yearn"?
...or any one syllable word you might choose in place of "muse" would work.

Nice job overall... I'm having such fun here...

Nicole
Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835
Florida
6 posted 1999-10-09 11:28 AM


Thanks all. Nan & Hoot, I appreciate you pointing that out. I've been tripping and mulling over that line, wondering if it was just me or if there was something off. Thank you for the suggestion Nan.
doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
7 posted 1999-10-09 12:55 PM


Satiate, this was probably the most well developed theme I've read during this whole workshop. Great job!

Another suggestion for that troublesome line that needs work (this, I think, works well with your theme)- Try this-

Once married to a man caprice
Another's kiss he soon did yearn
The strengths I gain in life increase

just an idea.....

thanks for the read... enjoyed it!

Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
8 posted 1999-10-10 04:00 AM


Teach me to be late to class....everyone else gets the good comments....Good job, (grumbling under breath with head hung in shame)
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