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Ummm ... the dog ate my quatrain..?
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Ummm ... the dog ate my quatrain..? |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap 
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Sorry this is so late, oh WISE and FORGIVING (I hope) Nan ...  This summons, I am powerless to fight: It captivates my soul; I must obey. Seductive and sublime the tender night -- Enchanted moon bespells my mortal sight. [This message has been edited by Nochtdraco (edited 10-06-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Linda Anderson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Jeeze, it's becoming more and more evident I'm in class with a bunch of suck ups...guess I better bring two apples tomorrow. Meter and rhyme seem intact to me. Honestly, though, I would switch the first and fourth lines though for the overall flow of the stanza. Again, just my humble opinion. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. [This message has been edited by Michael (edited 10-06-1999).] |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Thanks for the suggestion ... I might make that change once I start to work with the rest of it ... but for now I'll just leave it as is and see how things develop. When I read it, it just seems to me that the third line juxtaposed with the last would seem ... well, open-ended ... the third isn't as strong a line, I guess. Anyone else agree with Michael? (I'm prepared to fold under an appreciable degree of peer pressure!  ) |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
HEHE...no need to fold here, I am certainly not trying to apply any pressure -- wer're all here to learn. Just speaking of things from my own vantage point (In where I would like to see this poem go) in no way means I don't appreciate what you have laid before us. No offense was meant. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
None taken ... it takes a great deal more than a friendly and well-intentioned critique to ruffle these old feathers ... As I said, the change might work ... but since I haven't started on the rest yet, I consider the whole darn thing expendable anyway. Nocht |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I would have to agree with Micheal. I like the sound of things a bit better with the first and fourth lines switched...but otherwise, it is a wonderful start. You've given yourself a challange I believe with this one. I'm anxious to see where it goes from here. ------------------ Man can not discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Ack! I misread Michael's suggestion, thought he wanted me to switch the THIRD and fourth ... Come to think of it, the QUATRAIN sounds better that way ... unfortunately, however, the line "This summons, I am powerless to fight" does not, in my opinion, lend itself to repeating ... which was my primary concern when writing this. SOOOOO ... I'll just leave it as is, and see what happens. Thanks Nocht |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
You know, I think Mihael is just jealous, all this talk about sucking up...bet he's the class narc....(psst everyone, don't tell Michael anything!) Looks good to me, (sucking up of course) and I really like the last line, it speaks volumes. |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
Leave it as it is and see what happens... yep, I'll vote for that. Nocht... this is going to be one heckuva poem. No doubt in my mind. EXCELLENT! |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Yikes! This is excellent!  I really like the theme, and how you've presented it thus far. |
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