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Raped my Sanity (title suggs, replies needed!) thanks!!!
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Raped my Sanity (title suggs, replies needed!) thanks!!! |
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ILoveSrfrs Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 69California |
<font face="Courier New, Arial, Verdana" color="#000080" size="2"> I raped my sanity for you I held it down and forced it to comply I told it to be quiet And not to scream too loud Not to let anyone hear I killed my conscience for you I ignored its premonitions It was getting too dominant Now it is not a problem I have done away with it I stripped myself of character for you Shaved my personality off little by little Until i was completely innocent in my nudity Laughing nervously and slowly shaking, shaking, shaking With venerability pouring out my ears I lied right in front of God for you Blackmailing righteousness with lust And winking at the devil, sharing our secret My eyesight changing from rose-colored to dark red I made friends with fire You murdered me today When you said you didn't sacrifice like I did </font> [This message has been edited by ILoveSrfrs (edited 06-04-2000).] |
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Jeremy Halstead Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 569Morris, Ill. U.S.A |
Wow, that is sooooooo strong. I'm am totally moved right now. Almost everything that I look for in a poem was right there, in perfect style. keep em comin and check out my stuff if ya could. Jeremy D. Halstead |
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Lani_DarkOne Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 152UK |
This is great!!! I agree that it's very strong, and very very powerful, especially the last lines. It shows pain perfectly. |
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ILoveSrfrs Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 69California |
Wow thanks for the great replies. I thought it could use a lot of work though...do you guys have any suggestions to make it better? Thanks alot, Marissa |
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nikki813 Junior Member
since 2000-04-29
Posts 15PA, USA |
Wow, this poem was incredibly powerful! I don't think it needs many changes, if any at all! Good job. Love always: Nikki |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
WOW!!! I am completely touched by this poem! You did a wonderful way of expressing yourself. As for changes ~ I think that when you change a poem you change your feelings. You wrote this poem from your heart and these were your feelings at the time. If you change it it changes the essence of your poem which is what I don't think it needs! Great job! I'll be looking for more of your work!! Love Always ~*~Jessica~*~ |
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ILoveSrfrs Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 69California |
Thank you guys so much for your comments and help...you are all so great xoxo marissa |
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Vball Chickie1624 Member
since 2000-05-14
Posts 116New York |
Excellent poem. Very moving...and right to the point. It expresses your feelings really well..keep writing!! Love ya, Danielle  "Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do." "The role of a writer is not to say what we can all say, but what we are unable to say." - Anais Nin "Follow your own heart, not others." |
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ILoveSrfrs Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 69California |
wow, thanks again guys - also, please look at my newest work, called Bulemia... Thanks alot, Marissa |
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Crystalina123 Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 228 |
Marrissa, I really like this poem. It has some very powerful images in it which is what I think you were going for. I think it is wonderful the way it is but if you feel you must change it (which I don't think it needs, you could always make it more personal. That is, you mention lust . . . did you compromise you values for this guy sexually, or what? Let the reader know the situation as well as how you handled (which in this case is by "raping your sanity") Good job and keep posting -- I love reading your work!! Love, Crystal "The worst of what people do to one another is deceive. Because when you love someone you control their version of reality. If you lie to them that's like making them autistic so that what they believe is reality is in fact, not their true situation at all." It's not the angry words that break the heart, it's the silence. Someone said that true love is like a ghost -- often spoke of but never seen. I've seen both and yet in my darkest hours, tend to believe that neither exits. |
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ILoveSrfrs Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 69California |
Thanks again for your replies Crystalina - that is a great suggestion, I'm going to try to incorporate that and revise it. Thanks alot! xoxo marissa |
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amazon_lover Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 491Dublin,Ireland |
Hi ILoveSrfrs What happened and what did you sacrifice and to whom ? It portrays some dark moments in life I guess. Sincerely A_L |
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ILoveSrfrs Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 69California |
Well this poem was about how I sacraficed for this certain person (raped, killed, lied, stripped) and then in the end - I was the one who got hurt when the person told me that they didn't sacrafice, or they didn't feel the way that I did. So I gave up everything for this person to eventually get nothing and to get hurt in the end. - hope that clarifies everything xoxo marissa |
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Brom Junior Member
since 2000-06-06
Posts 16 |
AWESOME poem. I can relate to that totally. Changing yourself so much for someone who doesnt really care. I look forward to more of your work  Love will be the end of us... |
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Jeffyf Junior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 49Muncie, IN |
This poem is absolutely amazing! Your voice speaks with such repose, while your heart screams with absolute anguish. Have you shown this murderer what you have written? I think that he should. Your pain is felt here. Wonderful writing. I am anxious to hear more from you. Again, this writing speaks powerfully to me. Thank you for writing it. Jeffy |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Enjoyed ARCTIC WIND |
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