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Passions in Poetry

Raped my Sanity (title suggs, replies needed!) thanks!!!

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ILoveSrfrs
Member
since 11-14-1999
Posts 68
California


0 posted 06-04-2000 02:53 AM       View Profile for ILoveSrfrs   Email ILoveSrfrs   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ILoveSrfrs

<font face="Courier New, Arial, Verdana" color="#000080" size="2">
I raped my sanity for you
I held it down and forced it to comply
I told it to be quiet
And not to scream too loud
Not to let anyone hear
I killed my conscience for you
I ignored its premonitions
It was getting too dominant
Now it is not a problem
I have done away with it
I stripped myself of character for you
Shaved my personality off little by little
Until i was completely innocent in my nudity
Laughing nervously and slowly shaking, shaking, shaking
With venerability pouring out my ears
I lied right in front of God for you
Blackmailing righteousness with lust
And winking at the devil, sharing our secret
My eyesight changing from rose-colored to dark red
I made friends with fire

You murdered me today
When you said you didn't sacrifice like I did
</font>

[This message has been edited by ILoveSrfrs (edited 06-04-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 ILoveSrfrs - All Rights Reserved
Jeremy Halstead
Senior Member
since 06-01-2000
Posts 572
Morris, Ill. U.S.A


1 posted 06-04-2000 05:43 AM       View Profile for Jeremy Halstead   Email Jeremy Halstead   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jeremy Halstead

Wow, that is sooooooo strong.  I'm am totally moved right now.  Almost everything that I look for in a poem was right there, in perfect style.  keep em comin and check out my stuff if ya could.

Jeremy D. Halstead

 
Lani_DarkOne
Member
since 05-28-2000
Posts 152
UK


2 posted 06-04-2000 08:42 AM       View Profile for Lani_DarkOne   Email Lani_DarkOne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lani_DarkOne

This is great!!! I agree that it's very strong, and very very powerful, especially the last lines. It shows pain perfectly.
ILoveSrfrs
Member
since 11-14-1999
Posts 68
California


3 posted 06-04-2000 02:01 PM       View Profile for ILoveSrfrs   Email ILoveSrfrs   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ILoveSrfrs

Wow thanks for the great replies.  I thought it could use a lot of work though...do you guys have any suggestions to make it better? Thanks alot, Marissa
nikki813
Junior Member
since 04-29-2000
Posts 15
PA, USA


4 posted 06-04-2000 06:06 PM       View Profile for nikki813   Email nikki813   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nikki813

Wow, this poem was incredibly powerful! I don't think it needs many changes, if any at all! Good job.
Love always: Nikki
StarPryncess17
Senior Member
since 05-31-2000
Posts 944
Colorado


5 posted 06-04-2000 07:07 PM       View Profile for StarPryncess17   Email StarPryncess17   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit StarPryncess17's Home Page   View IP for StarPryncess17

WOW!!! I am completely touched by this poem! You did a wonderful way of expressing yourself. As for changes ~ I think that when you change a poem you change your feelings. You wrote this poem from your heart and these were your feelings at the time. If you change it it changes the essence of your poem which is what I don't think it needs! Great job! I'll be looking for more of your work!! Love Always ~*~Jessica~*~
ILoveSrfrs
Member
since 11-14-1999
Posts 68
California


6 posted 06-04-2000 09:10 PM       View Profile for ILoveSrfrs   Email ILoveSrfrs   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ILoveSrfrs

Thank you guys so much for your comments and help...you are all so great
xoxo marissa
Vball Chickie1624
Member
since 05-14-2000
Posts 119
New York


7 posted 06-04-2000 09:44 PM       View Profile for Vball Chickie1624   Email Vball Chickie1624   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Vball Chickie1624's Home Page   View IP for Vball Chickie1624

Excellent poem.  Very moving...and right to the point.  It expresses your feelings really well..keep writing!!

Love ya,
Danielle  


 "Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do."

"The role of a writer is not to say what we can all say, but what we are unable to say."
- Anais Nin

"Follow your own heart, not others."


ILoveSrfrs
Member
since 11-14-1999
Posts 68
California


8 posted 06-04-2000 09:46 PM       View Profile for ILoveSrfrs   Email ILoveSrfrs   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ILoveSrfrs

wow, thanks again guys - also, please look at my newest work, called Bulemia...
Thanks alot,
Marissa
Crystalina123
Member
since 01-31-2000
Posts 229


9 posted 06-05-2000 09:09 AM       View Profile for Crystalina123   Email Crystalina123   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Crystalina123

Marrissa,
I really like this poem. It has some very powerful images in it which is what I think you were going for. I think it is wonderful the way it is but if you feel you must change it (which I don't think it needs, you could always make it more personal. That is, you mention lust . . . did you compromise you values for this guy sexually, or what? Let the reader know the situation as well as how you handled (which in this case is by "raping  your sanity") Good job and keep posting -- I love reading your work!!

Love,
Crystal

 "The worst of what people do to one another is deceive.
Because when you love someone you control their version
of reality. If you lie to them that's like making them
autistic so that what they believe is reality is in fact,
not their true situation at all."

It's not the angry words that break the heart, it's the silence.

Someone said that true love is like a ghost -- often spoke of but never seen.
I've seen both and yet in my darkest hours, tend to believe that neither exits.
ILoveSrfrs
Member
since 11-14-1999
Posts 68
California


10 posted 06-05-2000 07:21 PM       View Profile for ILoveSrfrs   Email ILoveSrfrs   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ILoveSrfrs

Thanks again for your replies
Crystalina - that is a great suggestion, I'm going to try to incorporate that and revise it. Thanks alot!
xoxo marissa
amazon_lover
Member
since 04-09-2000
Posts 491
Dublin,Ireland


11 posted 06-06-2000 05:44 PM       View Profile for amazon_lover   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for amazon_lover

Hi ILoveSrfrs
What happened and what did you sacrifice  and to whom ? It portrays some dark moments in life I guess.
Sincerely
A_L
ILoveSrfrs
Member
since 11-14-1999
Posts 68
California


12 posted 06-06-2000 07:58 PM       View Profile for ILoveSrfrs   Email ILoveSrfrs   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ILoveSrfrs

Well this poem was about how I sacraficed for this certain person (raped, killed, lied, stripped) and then in the end - I was the one who got hurt when the person told me that they didn't sacrafice, or they didn't feel the way that I did. So I gave up everything for this person to eventually get nothing and to get hurt in the end.
- hope that clarifies everything
xoxo marissa
Brom
Junior Member
since 06-06-2000
Posts 16


13 posted 06-07-2000 06:37 PM       View Profile for Brom   Email Brom   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brom

AWESOME poem. I can relate to that totally. Changing yourself so much for someone who doesnt really care. I look forward to more of your work  

 Love will be the end of us...
Jeffyf
Junior Member
since 05-28-2000
Posts 48
Muncie, IN


14 posted 06-07-2000 10:47 PM       View Profile for Jeffyf   Email Jeffyf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jeffyf

This poem is absolutely amazing!  Your voice speaks with such repose, while your heart screams with absolute anguish.  Have you shown this murderer what you have written?  I think that he should.  Your pain is felt here.  Wonderful writing.  I am anxious to hear more from you.  Again, this writing speaks powerfully to me.  Thank you for writing it.
Jeffy
Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 09-16-2007
Posts 8075
Realm of Supernatural


15 posted 11-15-2007 07:06 PM       View Profile for Artic Wind   Email Artic Wind   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Artic Wind

Enjoyed

ARCTIC WIND
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