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Teen Poetry #2
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For I Am Dead!
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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For I Am Dead! |
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faith Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 89 |
The dancing wind lazily tickles my tired emotions, And the heavenly scents which are poured down on me , Are the sweet melodies of the heaven's song, Each painted colour that enters my life,is what rainbows my shattered soul, The broken pieces of my heart, caressed by those tender glittery promises of love, Each drop of rain that licks my lids, Washes away every trace of sin and pain, And I m lost in those smoky dreams, Where now soft laughter replaces my silent screams, Gladly, I have found that secret night, Won only by those whose love shines bright, Wonders so lovely , now stand by my bed, 'Cause this is not life its eternity, For I am dead! |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
faith: i like this one a lot... very vivid piece... i can nearly feel the raindrops on my face... i have to say that the last line seems a little haphazard though... might want to work on it to make it flow better with the next-to-last line... that would give the final realization more power and profundity, or so i would think... sincerely, jerome the melancholy priest Disarm you with a smile And leave you like they left me here To wither in denial The bitterness of one who's left alone --[billy corgan]-- |
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Jer Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 443USA |
Good job. Let Jerome help and everything will be a-ok! "WRITING IS EASY. ALL YOU DO IS STARE AT A BLANK SHEET OF PAPER UNTIL DROPS OF BLOOD FORM ON YOUR FOREHEAD." Gene Fowler |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Faith- You definitely have some good, vivid imagery here! Listen to Jerome and also, I think that the longer lines of your poem could be broken down to make the flow a little smoother. Other than that, great piece of work here! *Krista Knutson* "Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul...." ~*Sarah McLachlan- Do What You Have To Do*~ |
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