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Dancing Words, Petty Thoughts (REVISED, HELP ME OUT)
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Dancing Words, Petty Thoughts (REVISED, HELP ME OUT) |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
I've redone this poem in another way and i would like some opinions on which one is better, (look for hidden phrase in the second version) touched you once loved you twice watched you more cold as ice seen you there your not here show no emotion heart stand still see your eyes they grow dim wish you wouldn't stand by him --Written by: Hoppy 2-4-00 SECOND EDITION touched you once loved you twice watched you more cold as ice seen you there your not here show no emotion heart stand still bright eye shines heart grows dim sit alone tonight your with him revised version 2-5-00 <!signature--> <font face="Arial, Verdana" size="1" color="#000080"> NEW POETRY FORUM NOW OPEN "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. NEW POETRY FORUM ADDED Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!! </font> [This message has been edited by hoppy (edited 02-05-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
I really liked it. In only three verses you have managed to capture the most obvious feelings. Very kewl. ~~!Anonymousfemale!~ |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
hoppy: for a normal poem i wouldn't like the dr. seuss approach all that much, but considering the title and the ideas you express, i think it really works here... good job  sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
give me some thoughts on this NEW POETRY FORUM NOW OPEN "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. NEW POETRY FORUM ADDED Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!! |
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