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battle across time
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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battle across time |
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jytree Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 336omaha ark usa |
The battle wages on in our life, Everyday this is true, But we are not the onlt to suffer, No we are just the one who are seen, Killed, We have a right to live I wish people could see, What pain it brings to see people give up, Yet it happens day by day as long as I live I see death around me, Do I wimper, Yes but is it not a right to help someone in pain, I think so we have been fighting a war that we could win if people would just fight, We have battled across time, All of us to get this place, We live as free men and women, Ha I laugh we still work I my mind we still are slaves, How do we set are self free, You want to know, I will tell you then we fight, Fight we are hearts, Fight to win or freedom finally, We are still prisonors yet people don't see how this world has over powered us, We were the rulers of the land, Tis just a merory now, What do we have to show frow our progress, Nothing you show me progress, I will show you the door, The way out, Out not by drugs, No but to be finally free, Is a dream in which began we our forefathers, Do we not descrase their very name now, They did so much, Now look at us the sons of our nations, The rulers of the isuallions the we are in charge, What are we in charge work, school, anything, no not even our own lives  |
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| © Copyright 2000 Michael Jay vaughn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jytree Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 336omaha ark usa |
I am goin to tell everybody who reads this at the top the word "onlt" should be <only> I had a typo :> |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
jytree: this is a good poem, but there are multiple spelling and grammatical errors that i feel detract from the poem itself... also the punctuation (only commas) detracts from the readability of the work... on a thematic note: you might want to give the reader a little more information about just what you are charging them to fight for... i'm left with a message to fight, but not knowing how to fight or what to fight against... here is a revised version of your poem with proper punctuation and spelling: The battle wages on in our life -- Everyday this is true, But we are not the only to suffer; No, we are just the ones who are seen, Killed... We have a right to live! I wish people could see What pain it brings to see people give up! Yet it happens day by day -- as long as I live I see death around me, Do I wimper? Yes, but is it not a right to help someone in pain? I think we have been fighting a war that we could win if people would just fight, We have battled across time -- All of us -- to get this place. We live as free men and women; Ha! I laugh -- we still work -- in my mind we still are slaves, How do we set our selves free? You want to know... I will tell you then: we fight! Fight with our hearts; Fight to win our freedom... finally. We are still prisoners, yet people don't see how this world has over powered us. We were the rulers of the land, 'Tis just a memory now... What do we have to show for our progress? Nothing! you show me progress & I will show you the door -- The way out -- Out not by drugs, No but to be finally free! It is a dream in which began we our forefathers, Do we not disgrace their very name now? They did so much, Now look at us -- the sons of our nations, The rulers of the isuallions* -- the we are in charge, What are we in charge of? -- work, school, anything? No, not even our own lives... *: i can't figure out what this word is supposed to be... i've certainly never seen it before, so if it's spelled correctly, my apologies... sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain [This message has been edited by poetry_kills (edited 02-04-2000).] |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
jytree: i very much enjoyed reading this poem. I can relate to the words well, very good. And myself i like the poem without the question marks and grammatical punctuation. just fix the spelling is all i see wrong with it. very well done NEW POETRY FORUM NOW OPEN "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. NEW POETRY FORUM ADDED Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!! |
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jytree Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 336omaha ark usa |
sorry about the spelling and the grammer not my subjects really well in genral the poem was good |
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